Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Struggling

marieds
marieds
Hey everyone-I'm new here. Married in 2000 to someone from my small hometown. Together since 1994, just after HS graduation. History of physical and verbal abuse. He had an affair in 2007. I was so blindsided and wrapped up in not losing and getting him back that I didn't truly give myself time. I filed in 2007 but dismissed the action. The affair was with my friend and babysitter for our three children. It lasted about 7-12 months. I never truly got over it. There have been a lot of things in our marriage that have pushed me away from him. Emotionally and physically. We have been unhappy for a long time. I cringe when he touches me and I have no romantic feelings toward him. Both of us are staying for the kids, I know it. Even though he claims that he loves me and wants me in his life, I don't buy it. Our children are 13, 11, and 9. Our middle son is autistic, but very high functioning. We have talked about divorce. It makes me sick to my stomach to hurt my kids and have their safety and security be ripped from them. I cannot bring myself to do it because of these precious kids. He said he will not allow me to live in the house without him and that he will fight for the kids. He makes more money than I do and would probably try to destroy me as much as he could. I am one sad comment away from breaking down and I seem to not be able to keep it together. We haven't been intimate in months and we don't even talk. I know it's best that we part for us, but not for the kids. I need help, support, advice, kindness, direction...whatever. Thank you.
melissa87
melissa87
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If there is physical and verbal abuse in the relationship, it's not necessarily better for the kids to stay together. Children who live with domestic violence are at greater risk of being in an abusive relationship later in life - either as the perpetrator or as the victim. Living with DV also puts kids at great risk of being physically and sexually abused, engaging in risky behaviors (sex at an early age, substance abuse, etc.) along with putting them at higher risk of being involved with the judicial system.
I would recommend consulting a lawyer. As for him destroying you, that depends greatly on your state's divorce laws. Some states are "no-fault" which is supposed to make both parties equal but a lot depends on the judge, too. I would also reach out to domestic violence resources in your state. You can find them online. If you need help locating resources, send me a message and I'll be happy to help you.
Good luck!
gem111
gem111
I have heard a few kids who have come from loveless marriages that they really wish their parents had divorced;..
If you stay in this relationship, your kids will think the normal will be to not communicate and a loveless marriage is the normal.
If there is no future for you and your hubby------Please separate
FOR the kids.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
I agree with gem and melissa. Children are very smart, and they are sponges that soak up the behaviors they see - not so much the words. They know things are not right, and you are only modeling that it is okay to be abused and it is okay to be loveless to each other. That will become their idea of "normal" over time. Don't do that to them. Show them what radical self-respect looks like now, be leaving and not tolerating abusive behavior, and maybe later down the road, what a loving relationship looks like. Just my two cents.
neverceases
neverceases
It's always better for kids to be from a broken home than to be smack dab in the middle of one.

Your kids need to see you stand up for yourself; that will make them more secure. You have endured physical abuse and infidelity which is emotional abuse. I don't think there's anything to save here. This isn't the run of the mill-we grew apart; we were always fighting story.

Your kids are seeing some horrible behaviors modeled that they will pick up like sponges. I know you think it's best to stay together but based on what you've said, you should split because of that.

lemaym1.wordpress.com
kobieta34
kobieta34
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my husband he is abusive physically and emotionally. i do not have children with him but i know that when i leave him he will make my life miserable and difficult.
I am working on myself to find strength to leave. I have been on this site for few days now and i am extremely happy that i joined. I have met a lady who has been very understanding and supportive. Its sad to say but she is the only friend i have or at least the only person i can be open and honest with my feelings. You see over the years i allowed and became isolated from people that loved and cared for me and now i am all alone in a marriage that is destroying me piece by piece. This site is allowing me to share my sorrows and write them. It helps me process my feelings. This site is helping me in many ways so my advise to u is nothing can be fixed over night but this site is very helpfu l when you are lost share your sorrow people are very supportive with great input and hopefully you will find the right path to your happinesssoon.
marieds
marieds
Thank you to everyone who responded! I am so glad I found this site! I think I've been bringing my friends down with all of my questions and comments and such...my kids have never seen my husband physically abuse me, and it hasn't happened in a couple of years. They also are not aware of the infidelity. It does hurt that they see kissing on tv and think it's "gross." Even when I told my daughter that is what people who are in love and married do, and it's ok, she said "you and daddy don't do that." That stings. Right now he and I are just living and going through the motions. I never called the police about the DV's. Another spin is when he was having the affair I was not in a good place and actually hit him in public and was arrested for DV back in 2007. It was deferred and not on my record now but I believe that he could use that against me. He said that he would fight for the kids and I couldn't be without primary custody of my kids, that would devastate me. I am there for them most of the time, have a flexible work schedule, make their appts., etc. I live in Michigan where it's a "no fault' state.