Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello,
I have been married for almost 24 years, and was just proudly told by my husband, two weeks before Christmas, that he has been having an affair with his ex-wife who he was married to over 24 yrs ago, for a little over a year. I was stunned. But somehow managed to give my kids a nice Christmas, while living under the same roof. Although it was a very sad, lonely time for me...
My husband and I have four children, ages of 10-23, and she has a child who is 14. So there are 5 kids involved. (She is the one who left him with no notice, after about 1.5 yrs of marriage, and ended up brieflly marring the guy my husband thought she was having an affair with at the time of their separation, had a child with him, but ended up divorced, twice now I guess.)
Within the past year, I've changed professions and am now teaching school, so am very busy with all of the demands and challenges a new teaching job present. Before that, I was working as a nanny for a year, and substitute teaching, to patch our family through difficult economic times, and have done work in the past for non-profits, while running my own successful photography business for over 14 years, until the economy took a downturn...
Because of our tight finances, we are both amazingly living under the same roof. (I have not directly asked him to move out, but have definitely wished he would. I am not sure legally how this would effect me, or push him over the edge, so am trying to basically just focus on our kids, and my work.) We only have communicated through FB messenger or text (his favored mode over the past few years), but Monday I finally had to block him, after 3 hours of non-stop beligerent texts.
His attitude is almost just as difficult to deal with as the news he so brazenly and arrogantly presented me with a month ago. I've always been a strong person, which is a good thing, because of our financial situation, and because of my kids still needing a mom at home, and the need to remain focused on my teaching job, I am basically 'biting the bullet' and doing my best to somehow co-exist with this person, who has become increasingly distant and cruel over the years. Even though he presents this mild-mannered demeanor to others. It's almost as if he is regressing emotionally. The last I heard (through my 15 yr old daughter), he has no plans to move out. Neither do I. I don't have the financial means as I am only teaching half time right now. And he can't afford to feed our kids without me living at home (although he quickly pointed out to me the other night after I made dinner, that he paid for the olive oil. I mean, seriously?? So I finished making dinner for the kids, then quietly put 50 cents down on the table for him, for 'his' contribution for his kid's dinner.)
My plan is to seek out counseling (that our insurance will cover), so that we can at least begin communicating, with a third party present. I don't have the funds right now to see a lawyer, so am looking for support through a few friends, and perhaps a local suppport group, while I get my bearings. Injust found this group tonight, and it looks like it's fairly active, so thought I'd give it a try...
Basically, I'm just looking for support, and any advice any of you may have, for someone in the beginning stages of this type of surreal situation. I don't think he's thought this through. For instance, he still can't bring himself to acknowledge the kids in any of our communications when I've mentioned them. He has absolutely no remorse, stabs me any chance he gets with anything from my past, even if it happened many years ago, and is acting like a cruel child. I'm no psychoanalyst, but I just don't get how he can be so incredibly mean spirited, when he is the one who is blatantly screwing around with his ex-wife, even with his kids knowing, acts entitled, chums around with them in 'his' house as he's so clearly reminded me over the years (my name was never added to the mortgage 23 yrs ago when I moved in, a year before we were married), acts almost as though he can just throw me out, could care less about my new job, thinks of life and our relationship as a 'competition', and of course is remaining buddy-buddy with our kids (he has always played good cop, forcing me to have to be the one to discipline our kids). One of the most difficult things I've had to endure over the past month, is the way he continues to hang out with and talk to our kids, as if nothing ever happened. (I have managed to shield our youngest child from this mess, and plan to for years if possible. He's a sweet 10 yr old boy, and I fear he would be devastated. The older kids were pretty upset and indignant, at first, but since then I think are trying not to pick sides. I told them I understand this is a very difficult situation for them, and there are no 'rule books' for how to act.) It took me weeks to articulate a thought to myself, that is so incredibly sad - our kids are getting to see, basically, that their dad is an 'empty' person, who is only thinking about himself, and who kicks people when they're down, and if they don't see it now, they will look back at this time, and see it then. That is very, very sad. He doesn't seem to get the fact this will all someday catch up with him, either through relationships, (with his kids, or others), respect, karma, spiritually, etc. In fact, he scoffed at the notion of any repercussions, the night he told me, including making fun of 'God'. Wow.
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure many of you know how lonely, and surreal this time is, with lots of different emotions that crop up at various times....even when you're trying to do your best to remain balanced and strong.
Even though things weren't great over the last few years, I was holding on to hope that we were still investing something in our 'emotional piggybank', through all the ups and downs of raising and taking care of kids. It's a terrible feeling, to find out that the other partner has no respect, care, or concern about their partner, and was putting nothing into that bank account. And who doesn't understand that when you treat your kid's other parent like crap, you're basically treating them like crap as well. I guess it comes down to emotional maturity. Or immaturity. And his two sisters (one a psychoanalyst, go figure...oh, and his ex is a family therapist, go figure again), and his mother, are taking 'his side', even though I am the one who has been left, with a half time job, and four kid's emotional futures, to figure out where to go from here.
Thanks much for listening, and for any support and advice,
~MLB
I have been married for almost 24 years, and was just proudly told by my husband, two weeks before Christmas, that he has been having an affair with his ex-wife who he was married to over 24 yrs ago, for a little over a year. I was stunned. But somehow managed to give my kids a nice Christmas, while living under the same roof. Although it was a very sad, lonely time for me...
My husband and I have four children, ages of 10-23, and she has a child who is 14. So there are 5 kids involved. (She is the one who left him with no notice, after about 1.5 yrs of marriage, and ended up brieflly marring the guy my husband thought she was having an affair with at the time of their separation, had a child with him, but ended up divorced, twice now I guess.)
Within the past year, I've changed professions and am now teaching school, so am very busy with all of the demands and challenges a new teaching job present. Before that, I was working as a nanny for a year, and substitute teaching, to patch our family through difficult economic times, and have done work in the past for non-profits, while running my own successful photography business for over 14 years, until the economy took a downturn...
Because of our tight finances, we are both amazingly living under the same roof. (I have not directly asked him to move out, but have definitely wished he would. I am not sure legally how this would effect me, or push him over the edge, so am trying to basically just focus on our kids, and my work.) We only have communicated through FB messenger or text (his favored mode over the past few years), but Monday I finally had to block him, after 3 hours of non-stop beligerent texts.
His attitude is almost just as difficult to deal with as the news he so brazenly and arrogantly presented me with a month ago. I've always been a strong person, which is a good thing, because of our financial situation, and because of my kids still needing a mom at home, and the need to remain focused on my teaching job, I am basically 'biting the bullet' and doing my best to somehow co-exist with this person, who has become increasingly distant and cruel over the years. Even though he presents this mild-mannered demeanor to others. It's almost as if he is regressing emotionally. The last I heard (through my 15 yr old daughter), he has no plans to move out. Neither do I. I don't have the financial means as I am only teaching half time right now. And he can't afford to feed our kids without me living at home (although he quickly pointed out to me the other night after I made dinner, that he paid for the olive oil. I mean, seriously?? So I finished making dinner for the kids, then quietly put 50 cents down on the table for him, for 'his' contribution for his kid's dinner.)
My plan is to seek out counseling (that our insurance will cover), so that we can at least begin communicating, with a third party present. I don't have the funds right now to see a lawyer, so am looking for support through a few friends, and perhaps a local suppport group, while I get my bearings. Injust found this group tonight, and it looks like it's fairly active, so thought I'd give it a try...
Basically, I'm just looking for support, and any advice any of you may have, for someone in the beginning stages of this type of surreal situation. I don't think he's thought this through. For instance, he still can't bring himself to acknowledge the kids in any of our communications when I've mentioned them. He has absolutely no remorse, stabs me any chance he gets with anything from my past, even if it happened many years ago, and is acting like a cruel child. I'm no psychoanalyst, but I just don't get how he can be so incredibly mean spirited, when he is the one who is blatantly screwing around with his ex-wife, even with his kids knowing, acts entitled, chums around with them in 'his' house as he's so clearly reminded me over the years (my name was never added to the mortgage 23 yrs ago when I moved in, a year before we were married), acts almost as though he can just throw me out, could care less about my new job, thinks of life and our relationship as a 'competition', and of course is remaining buddy-buddy with our kids (he has always played good cop, forcing me to have to be the one to discipline our kids). One of the most difficult things I've had to endure over the past month, is the way he continues to hang out with and talk to our kids, as if nothing ever happened. (I have managed to shield our youngest child from this mess, and plan to for years if possible. He's a sweet 10 yr old boy, and I fear he would be devastated. The older kids were pretty upset and indignant, at first, but since then I think are trying not to pick sides. I told them I understand this is a very difficult situation for them, and there are no 'rule books' for how to act.) It took me weeks to articulate a thought to myself, that is so incredibly sad - our kids are getting to see, basically, that their dad is an 'empty' person, who is only thinking about himself, and who kicks people when they're down, and if they don't see it now, they will look back at this time, and see it then. That is very, very sad. He doesn't seem to get the fact this will all someday catch up with him, either through relationships, (with his kids, or others), respect, karma, spiritually, etc. In fact, he scoffed at the notion of any repercussions, the night he told me, including making fun of 'God'. Wow.
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure many of you know how lonely, and surreal this time is, with lots of different emotions that crop up at various times....even when you're trying to do your best to remain balanced and strong.
Even though things weren't great over the last few years, I was holding on to hope that we were still investing something in our 'emotional piggybank', through all the ups and downs of raising and taking care of kids. It's a terrible feeling, to find out that the other partner has no respect, care, or concern about their partner, and was putting nothing into that bank account. And who doesn't understand that when you treat your kid's other parent like crap, you're basically treating them like crap as well. I guess it comes down to emotional maturity. Or immaturity. And his two sisters (one a psychoanalyst, go figure...oh, and his ex is a family therapist, go figure again), and his mother, are taking 'his side', even though I am the one who has been left, with a half time job, and four kid's emotional futures, to figure out where to go from here.
Thanks much for listening, and for any support and advice,
~MLB
First, kudos for putting your kids first. I know this is difficult for them.
I'm glad you are seeking counseling; it really will help.
Second, even though you can't afford an attorney right now, there are some things you should begin to do to prepare: make copies of tax statements, paycheck stubs (his), retirement account numbers and values, etc. Take pictures of items in the home, especially ones of value. Since you aren't on the mortgage,find out if you are on the deed title to the house. if so, make a copy. In addition, copy any checks where you helped pay the house payment, paid taxes on the place, etc. Keep all this stuff in a safe place--not at home. I always took my stuff to my sister's. Start socking away extra cash if you can.
I know you are focused on your kids, but you need to do these things for your protection. If he is mean now, he will get meaner and do things you couldn't dream of him doing. also, if you can't afford an attorney, go to divorcesource.com and read up on divorce laws in your state. Also, many attorneys will give a free consultation--definitely do this and see as many as you can. this does two things: allows you to find the best attorney, and also put your H in bind because he won't be able to use those attorneys since you talked to them first.
You must do all of this quietly. Don't tell your kids what you are doing and don't tell your H. Let your ex think that he's in control right now. Then when the time comes, you will be ready and he'll be standing there looking like an idiot.
Finally, check out the Divorce After Twenty Years group on DS. That is also a good place for advice and support.
I have always worked at least 1 job, so I am thankful for that, always felt I was a strong independent person...but can't even count the times I've spent the last almost year crying in a closet. Trying to find my attitude from decades ago that if I'm not good enough enough, then don't let me hold you back...just not as easy when there are children.
Stay strong and know you aren't alone.