Breaking Free Community Group
Breaking Free is about releasing you from your stronghold's...captivity...bondage; so you can find Freedom and Liberty in Christ. This is a Christ-Centered Group to help us heal...whether it be from abuse, temptations, addictions...or whatever is holding you back from experiencing a Joy-Filled Life with Christ. This is the place to find support and heal as we...
I was raised in a Christian home. I, like most kids, tried to get out of going to church on Sundays ... but always enjoyed myself once I was there.
As I grew, so did my faith. In high school, I was one of the more spiritual kids in my circle of friends. I may not have shouted it from the roof tops but I believed and prayed and loved God with every inch of my heart.
When I got to college my faith began to falter. The stress in my life became overwhelming; full time class load, 40 hour/week job and I was in a sorority too. How I managed to get through that, I'll never know. I guess youth isn't always wasted on the young. Anyway, I had to take a lot of philosophy classes for my major. Early on in my college career, I fought against my professors when I didn't agree with them. I stood up for what I believed in. I'd come from a small conservative town and now I was on a campus of 30,000 students in an urban city. One professor even stated over and over that "God is dead." At some point I figured out that it was just easier to go along with what they were saying in order to get better grades. Why fight it, right? Except, my own faith suffered. I realized that I was wandering ... wondering ... if God did exist or if we're all just here because of some cosmic accident.
Following graduation I began working in the Silicon Valley. Talk about high pressure and high stress. My perfectionism was starting to take a toll. Now, I understand that the physical pain, bad dreams, waking flashbacks and litany of other symptoms were from PTSD due to abuse I suffered as a kid... but it took me another 8 years to find that out officially. I was too "strong" to seek help (more like too dumb).
So today, I find myself in my 30s and still struggling with my faith. How do I find my way back to God? How do I accept Him back into my life when I've turned my back on Him? How do I join a church or a group when I have trouble leaving the house because of the PTSD? How could He let any of this happen in the first place? How do I get over being angry at God? I know it's wrong. I know I'm wrong to place the anger with Him, but that's just the way I feel.
I'm tired of being broken. I've asked Him for help. I've asked Him to heal me, to comfort me ... to love me. Is He?
As I grew, so did my faith. In high school, I was one of the more spiritual kids in my circle of friends. I may not have shouted it from the roof tops but I believed and prayed and loved God with every inch of my heart.
When I got to college my faith began to falter. The stress in my life became overwhelming; full time class load, 40 hour/week job and I was in a sorority too. How I managed to get through that, I'll never know. I guess youth isn't always wasted on the young. Anyway, I had to take a lot of philosophy classes for my major. Early on in my college career, I fought against my professors when I didn't agree with them. I stood up for what I believed in. I'd come from a small conservative town and now I was on a campus of 30,000 students in an urban city. One professor even stated over and over that "God is dead." At some point I figured out that it was just easier to go along with what they were saying in order to get better grades. Why fight it, right? Except, my own faith suffered. I realized that I was wandering ... wondering ... if God did exist or if we're all just here because of some cosmic accident.
Following graduation I began working in the Silicon Valley. Talk about high pressure and high stress. My perfectionism was starting to take a toll. Now, I understand that the physical pain, bad dreams, waking flashbacks and litany of other symptoms were from PTSD due to abuse I suffered as a kid... but it took me another 8 years to find that out officially. I was too "strong" to seek help (more like too dumb).
So today, I find myself in my 30s and still struggling with my faith. How do I find my way back to God? How do I accept Him back into my life when I've turned my back on Him? How do I join a church or a group when I have trouble leaving the house because of the PTSD? How could He let any of this happen in the first place? How do I get over being angry at God? I know it's wrong. I know I'm wrong to place the anger with Him, but that's just the way I feel.
I'm tired of being broken. I've asked Him for help. I've asked Him to heal me, to comfort me ... to love me. Is He?
I too have trouble leaving the house...but I find that I look forward to going to Church and to Bible Study...and that's about the only thing that I will pretty much willingly leave the house for. We joined a Contemporary Non-Denominational Church that is great, it speaks to us about life...things we are dealing with, has a live band that sings Contemporary Christian Music. All age groups attend, so we feel like we fit in well.
Here's a few scriptures I have handy that have helped me:
Matthew 18
The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
The following excerpts came from this book, 'On the Threshold of Hope' by Diane Mandt Langberg, PH.D, it's for SA Survivors.
It says in that book, how we Survivors can be so NUMBED OUT, that we might KNOW that Jesus loves us...but we can't FEEL it.
It also says that SA/Trauma "...throws the character of God into question, kills hope, erodes trust and makes it seem impossible to know the love and security of God."
The author believes "God can stand up in the light of abuse that was done to you." And, "The problem of suffering has remained mysterious in many minds far better than mine."
It was interesting to me, that even in the Bible...there was incest abuse that happened in there. The brother of Tamar enticed her into his room by bringing him some food when he was sick, and he raped her. Tamar suffered just like we do...It's in 2 Samuel 13.
Here is the link to that passage on Bible Gateway:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Samuel%2013;&version=31;
This website goes into greater depth, line by line of the Isaiah 61:1-3 scripture in the other post, it explains it better on a layman's level:
http://www.spiritualsurvival.org/index.php?p=1_103_Receive-Healing-from-the-Wounds-of-Abuse
God is always there waiting with open arms to welcome you back...sometimes when we are in our deepest pit...that is when we fall to our knees and Ask for 'HELP!' That's how it worked for me...though I did not grow up in a Churchy Family...I believed in God, but didn't know much about him.
I'm sure there are some others here that will be able to help you too!
BIG HUGS, Stacy
As far as answered/unanswered prayer goes, EVERY prayer is answered. Sometimes we just don't get the answer we want. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no, and other times the answer is "yes, but it is not going to be in the form or fashion that you expect." (kinda reminds me of the lyrics to a song that goes, "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayer - but I digress) As an example, while I was being verbally and emotionally abused by my ex-husband, I constantly prayed for God to "fix" my husband, because I didn't have the strength to leave him and fight the battles that would inevitably ensue, deal with any problems my daughter had with it, as she was a very strong-willed child, and keep up my job, figure out how to be the best single parent I could and still make sure my daughter's needs were met on all levels. All that it would take for us to have a happy and healthy home, was for the abusive ways to just disappear from my ex-h. God answered my prayer, but not the specific prayer I was praying and not in the manner I was praying it. God gave me a happy and healthy home (my "REAL" prayer) by giving me the strength to leave him, by answering the needs of my daughter because she was horribly afraid of him (because she had been horribly abused by him in ways I'm just beginning to understand). Yes, God answered my prayer, and the answer was YES, but it didn't look anything like I expected.
God doesn't just "let" things happen to us. OK - maybe in a way He does, but when God created us, he wanted us to choose to love Him. God wanted us to be able to choose to follow the path laid out for us or not. That was the only way God could be assured that our love was genuine. Every person has the freedom (ordained by God) to choose to believe in God, believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that God exists with us in the world today in the form of the SPirit. Sometimes we fall victim to our own sin, denial and turning our backs on God. There are other times when even though we believe and are trying our best to follow the example of Christ and do the things we ought to do to make our actions pleasing to God, that we fall victim to OTHER PEOPLE's sin. Then there are other times when we fall victim to being in the wrong place at the wrong time, when part of God's creation begins to change - when bedrock shifts and earthquakes or tsunamis happen, when storms that destroy countless areas of inhabited land, etc. Whether or not we "feel" the presence of God during these times, God is there with us, to help pull us through, help us survive. As we struggle with PTSD symptoms because God's mechanism for helping us to survive the initial trauma was to bury it/dissociate from it/deny it/etc., God will constantly be there to comfort us. Even if you try to hide from God, God will find you. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths [of hell], you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:7-10.
So in answer to the specific question, and a question that wasn't specifically asked but implied: Where was God, and can anything I do anger God enough to abandon me: "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-38.
For anyone asking about what scriptures help answer questions about suffering and bring comfort, I always have them read those that I excerpted here. They are Romans 8:26-38 and Psalm 139.
" For you [oh God] created my inmost being;
you knit[ted] me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
One of the things that I remember saying as a kid, and I still hear from time to time is, "I am a child of God. I was made by God. I am something wonderful, because 'God don't make no junk' " Psalm 139 totally acknowledges that concept in a most elloquent way. Even though you feel broken, know that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made," made by God, maintained by God, healed by God, and even in your brokenness, you are a wonderful human being, BECAUSE all of God's works are wonderful.
Bless you, and praise God that you have found this site of wonderful friends who can help you and support you as you heal.
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=64387&event=1025SBF|12082|1025
"Free Will" is another hot topic for me. Why is it that the bible is full of miracles and interventions performed by or through the hands of God and yet I'm supposed to believe he has no control of what "choices" were made by the hands of the men who hurt me? Why was my life not worthy of intervention? How could a "loving God" allow a child to be born to such a violent man is strike one, allowing that may to brutally abuse his wife and children, and then take the life of his wife the only real protector of the children? If that wasn't worth of intervention I don't know what is! Then to allow the children (I have a brother) to be continuously abused throughout the remainder fo their childhood is simply unthinkable! Yet... still not worthy of intervention. He has the power to create heaven and earth and HAS preformed miracles, and I'm supposed to believe that he loves me? We call him "Father" -- As parents we watch over and protect our children. We don't stand by and watch our children play in the middle of the highway- we intervene! This "Father" watched his beloved "child" be tortured/abandoned/physically abused/ sexually abused/emotionally abused and did NOTHING! Then people tell me all I have to do is ask him to help me. Well... I devoted my high school and college years to being a youth minister/ involved in traveling retreats, and giving witnesses all over! I begged for healing... begged... daily! Then out of no where I was raped. Well... thanks for that answer to prayer! What the hell?
After that I pulled out of everything, quit praying and asking for any kind of peace or healing. I just try to live each day the best I can. I try to put one foot in front of the other. I try to be kind to everyone I meet, and I try to breathe my way the horrible effects of PTSD.
Do I believe there is a God? YES. Do I believe in his goodness? NO! Do I trust in him? NO! I actually have him placed on the same shelve as those that betrayed my trust and hurt me. Would I like things to be different? Hell ya! But they aren't.
As TLC many of use struggle with the concept of faith. When i was struggling as you are now, and i too have a similar story, I struggled constantly with faith. I came to realize that i didn't totally understand what faith is. So after struggling with what faith really is, in this case belief in god. I realized it wasn't my faith that was having a problem, it was my relationship with god that was lacking. I concluded my faith was not in question, becasue there was no doubt that i believed. I realized i was confusing my faith with activily feeling god and being in a real relationship with god.
I also became aware that i had isolated myself from everyone i loved, as affect of the abuse, and i realized i was doing the same thing with god. after i realized these two things i approached my faith issues with new committment to activily develope a relationship with god.
My abuse had taken everything, why not my faith( relationship with god).
so i pray, and meditate spiritually. As i meditate i ask god to guide me and some times god does guide me.
i guess i got over my writers block.
good luck
Do you think you'd be interested in reading the book with us? Maybe that will help you find some answers...
I don't know why we were lead down the path that lead us towards abuse...but I am sure the Devil had a lot to do with it. I can't answer why God didn't intervene...but He is here for us now.
Hugs!
He was there, now I believe he was there, but did not choose sides and answered as many prayers as he could. I cannot nor do I quote scriptures, I only say what is in my heart and how I felt and feel. I feel God knows what he is doing and will put us through many test to test our worthiness. We are human and we are bound for disappointment in the human race, but because we are human, can think, feel and show emotions we can some day find peace and solice in the fact that God does exist and will be there for us in our real time of need. Only my opinion.
She goes through and shows some areas that can lead to captivity...and helps us to find our way to unlock those chains around our souls.
There are questions at the back of the book that one can do, to make it a more personal experience.
I spent many years "feeling" I believed but wondering if it was all an illusion I was succombing to.
I dropped out of religion (for various reasons, mainly because where I tried wasn't spiritual or was even not ok - this is people stuff though, not God "stuff", I see that now), but it didn't drop out of my thoughts. Finally I started going back to church, but uncommitted, just to see if I could get further. That started quite a journey.
I never did find "head" reasons to believe. I know the "proofs" given though. I spent many a tormented time trying to get convinced by them. It was as if God's actions became evident in my life, in various ways through various experiences I had. Many people don't talk of such things, but they are what convinced me. And now I can feel God is close and not think I might be deluded. And I am becoming steadily more aware of this.
I think we have to look in the right way and "place" and then it adds up. But it has to add up for us personally.
Man makes the events of the day happen and it is man that I question for those decisions. My faith in God is in tact, it my faith in man that is in quesiton.