I too cannot tell a lie. The best I can do is not say anything. Yes, it is painful for those who I tell the truth to. I used to be great with words more like I sugar-coated the truth. Now...sometimes it hurts...deal with it. Unlike you explained I can't tell an innocent white lie either to save my soul.

I belong to a rather jokey family too. I was full of jokes and pranks. I joked with the hospital staff and was confused when they didn't "get it" until one nurse asked me if I was teasing her.

It wasn't until I heard myself try to laugh that I realized how "off" I was. It sounded more like a humph than a laugh. I have facial apathy...lack of facial expression. I look like a blank slate most of the time. Most people take it as I'm angry when I'm not.

I wanted my sense of humor back badly!! One of my first posts here was how do I encourage that to come back. I practiced laughing when I was alone. I always felt it inside but without the physical cues to others...my kidding or jokes were mistaken. It devastated me. I knew laughter was what I needed most. The best medicine for what ailed me at the time.

I have felt the feeling you described when I finally tried again to joke with people again. I think it's because it's not the "truth" but not a lie either. Our bodies try to give us away but not quite sure how to peg it ;-) That's the nerves you're talking about.

Keep practicing....one of these days it'll come out right and you'll get everyone around within ear shot!

I can't lie without getting this bad "gut feeling" that stays with me until I set it right. For me, I can soften the words so as not to come off as too harsh, but I don't like "people-pleasing". I see life more and more in shades of grey, rather than black and white, so I seem to find more perspective than I ever had pre-BI, but I can also over-analyze things, confusing myself in the process. I'm a solitary person, I socialize a little, but I wonder if I avoid people to avoid confusion, and to avoid those gut feelings that go along with truth. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. Could it be a form of "self protection"?....Maybe so.

P.S ....forgot to say I have developed a very dry sense of humor, so instead of a belly laugh, for want of a better word, it's a one word sound like a high-pitched "Haah" so people know I'm not serious. I hate to say this but I'm in the over 50 crowd, and gravity is not my friend.....Haah!! My face is falling so in pictures I look angry, when I'm not, so I have to smile big:-) :-)

I grew up extremely impaired in a world I wpould not make it in. It is the scariest feeling to grow up knowing. I am extrely intellegent yet damaged at the same time to the point I can barely function. But we all know the drill. I get it. So at a very young age, even though I am sickeningly honest at most everything; this is the real world so I discovered a skillset made me ready for dishonesty in the professional world and learned to seperate it from the personal. Because they are different. Political beauratic bullshit means nothing to me, but people do. So, I can seperate politics religeon business and friendships. I have to.

Now with the emotional aspect out of the way, I must say that I am so very greatful that I did not loose my sense of humor or the rediculous and my expressions are ok on the side without poaralysis so I feel lucky. I remember when it was gone briefly thiugh. I didnt miss it because I forgot I had it. The time I remembered it. i cried my eyes out and that was when i knew my brain was healing but what I had been missing. Now, I cant tell a joke well at all like before but i write it down and tell it. Everyone i care about knows my tbi so who cares? i dont bother unless we're very close.