I would be upset too if someone said something like that, "Oh. So was the drunk driver ok?

I do talk about my injury much less than I use to. I think maybe because time is passing, and some of my wounds are better healed and less visible to me. I mean, I don't notice myself that much anymore. I guess I have kinda gotten use to this new me more than anything.

The responses I get are always comforting. People are always nice and very much like, " I'm so glad you are still here today."

But, I do get the fact that they don't totally understand what it was like for me. I mean, how could they.

It's just always very personal, and the fact that we don't always interpret other peoples reactions. It can scew how I see their response anyhow.

I do think your neediness is reasonable. I mean this changed your life forever!

Have you ever heard the statement"I never understood what you were going through until it happened to me"? I noticed recently if I can't. drive due to lack of sleep....if my eye/ brain fatigue is bad....whatever symptom I'm having that limits my functioning....I will speak, I guess, in symptoms rather than say brain injury........People really don't/can't get it....especially if we now " look OK". I wish there was more understanding....I don't think you are needy....I think your feelings sound reasonable....Brain Injury is a Traumatic journey!

Not needy at all. I struggle with the line between wanting to be treated like a normal person and wanting SOME consideration for my new limitations. I often feel like a hypocrite. Oh well.

I am tired of getting: "But your fine now, right?" or "Your walking, your talking, you look good!"

Great! Thanks for belittling everything I am going through, or have gone through.

I dont think people really know what to do or what to say. B y confirming for themselves its not a big deal, they dont have to deal with figuring out what to do.

I would be upset also, but I've discovered over the years that many people just don't know how to deal with someone who's been through a traumatic experience. And some of them are thinking about how they hope something like that never happens to them, especially if you've been suffering a long time. Unfortunately, too many people (at least in the US) are very self-centered. They don't stop to think before they speak.

I also think maybe the brain injury impairs our ability to perceive when it's safe to tell others and when we'd be better off keeping quiet. And I also think we have a tendency to talk too much about ourselves and our injuries and problems. We tend to not realize that other people have problems also, but not every one talks about their problems. Lots of people are embarrassed and don't understand why anyone wants to tell the things we say.

Something that just occurred to me: the ones who ask about the drunk driver might be people who drink and drive and they're actually identifying with the drunk driver and worried about what if they cause a wreck while driving drunk--very self centered thinking, but I've known people who would think that way.

For whatever reasons people respond the way they do, the best way to protect yourself from being hurt is to wait longer until you know people better before you tell them, and talk about your tbi and other problems less.

Im actually emberssed about it because people think I look normal till I speak or they know from someone else telling them. I just hate that people know!! It makes me so wish I was back to normal! Im bad about people even knowing or you can tell because they treat you like youre special or have to help me with stuff!! Its annoying to look ok but mentally not be!!!

I agree totally with oneid said about the, "you look fine, you walk fine, you must be fine", Right!
The part I agree most with is the part about having been belittled. It's a harsh reality!

I think it's true most people don't know how to deal with it themselves, so they just go with the easier response or either they can't possibly understand, if you know what I mean. I understand that too. So it seems like they are belittling, but I think it's more they don't know how to fix it.

Well, at least they aren't treating you like your mentally retarded or like your crazy or like your making it up? Are they? Do you get that reaction? Because I get that reaction! I don't tell everybody! But I do chose to tell some, & they just get that LOOK on their face & in their eyes! They just suddenly start treating me very different!!! Like they have to talk to me differently!? They start talking to me like they are talking to a child!

Even my own son talks to me like a child! And, he beat me up several times & then left! And, the other day I saw him on the hwy when I went to this place of business! And, when I tried to speak to him & have some kind of contact with him, he just started attacking me!!!!

Okay!!! I had my wreck in Oct..... of 85!!! And, he was'nt born until July 13th, in 1989! So as you can see that is many years apart!!! And, he accuses me & tells me that I just did all this shit or make all this shit up to manipulate him & to use him & to suck money out of him!!!!!!!!!!!!! He thinks that I have made up all these problems from my TBI & all of my MS problems & that I conjured all this up or that I made all of this shit happen to me just so I can manipulate him and others!

I can NEVER EVER TALK TO MY OWN SON, ABOUT ANYTHING! HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME!!!!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!! HE CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL THIS SHIT!!!!! AND, HE BLAMES ME!!!!! NOT THE WRECK!!!! NOT THE DISEASES OR THE DISORDERS--LIKE PCS, MS, PTSD!!!! AND, HE TELLS ME THAT IF I'D JUST GET OFF MY BLANKING ASS & GET A BLANKING JOB THAT I WOULD BE FINE!!!! HE SAYS THAT IF I'D GET A JOB THAT I WOULD GET WELL & BE HEALED!!! THAT ALL OF THIS SHIT WOULD GO AWAY!!!!

I HADDDDD A JOB!!!!! WHEN ALL THIS HAPPENED TO ME I HAD A JOB!!!!! I HAD THE BEST DOG-GONE JOB THAT I'VE EVER HAD!!!!! EVER!!!!! I HAD MOWED YARDS & BABY SIT & SAVED UP MONEY TO BUY MY FIRST LITTLE CAR! WHICH WAS A CREAM PUFF OF CREAM PUFFS!!! IT ONLY HAD 33,000 MILES ON IT, WAS LADY OWNED, A RICH LADY AT THAT! AND, HE KEPT IT IN THE GARAGE! SHE WANTED TO BUY A MERCEDES LIKE HER HUSBAND HAD & WANTED THIS CAR GONE SO SHE COULD HAVE ROOM FOR HER NEW MERC...... IN HER GARAGE! I GOT THE CAR FOR 3500-3800 & IT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD JUST ROLLED OFF OF THE SHOWROOM FLOOR!

It was a beautiful shade of blue with all white interior!!! It was a sport coupe! And, it had bucked seats with the gear shift in the floor! I LOVED THAT CAR SOOOO MUCH!!!! And, I used that car to then land my vet jobs! I lived at the end of the street from my work place! And, a fantastic appartment for a fantastic price! And, they let my Dobbie live there with me! And, I walked to work every day that it was pretty! I had no other bills! I didn't owe on my car! I HAD A GREAT LIFE!!!!! I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO HAVE THAT GREAT LIFE!!!!! AND, THEN GOD TOOK IT ALL FROM ME!!!! OR THE UNIVERSE!? OR THAT WRECK OR SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE!!!! AND, MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME!!!!! IT TOTALLY WENT IN THE TOILET AFTER THAT!

And, I've had nothing but problems since then! I can't handle strong emotions! I can't handle FRUSTRATION AT ALL!!!!! NOT AT ALL! AND, I HAVE ALL KINDS OF MEMORY PROBLEMS! I HAVE PROBLEMS WHEN I TYPE! I CAN'T KEEP TRACK IN WHAT I SAY OR WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE SAYING UNLESS IT'S REAL SLOW! AND, WHEN PEOPLE SPOUT STUFF OFF REAL FAST I CAN'T GET IT!!! I DON'T HAVE THE ABILITY TO GET IT! THERE ARE THINGS THAT I JUST CAN'T GET OR JUST COMPREHEND!!! YES!!!! I KNOW QUOTE "NORMAL" PEOPLE GET IT & IF I DON'T THAT I MUST NOT BE NORMAL & MUST THEREFORE BE TREATED LIKE I'M LESS THAN NORMAL BY THE WORLD--INCLUDING MY OWN SON!!!! AND, I MAY NOT BE NORMAL!!!!! BUT I AM KIND! I AM COMPASSIONATE!!! I DO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE!!!!! AND, ANIMALS!!!! AND, THE PLANET!

BUT PEOPLE JUST IMMEDIATELY WORM OUT OF THE CONVERSATION & AWAY FROM ME!!!! THEY ACT LIKE THEIR GOING TO FREAKING GET OR CATCH MY BRAIN INJURY OR LIKE THEY WILL SUDDENLY BECOME STUPID OR RETARDED OR CRAZY JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE AROUND ME!!!!

AND THIS BS FROM MY SON IS SUCH AN ATTACK ON ME!!!!! HE TOTALLY INVALIDATES MY WRECK!!!! MY INJURIES!!!! AND, MY RECOVERY! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! ALL OF THE PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE ALL DAY EVERYDAY!!!!

HE INVALIDATES MY MS SHIT! AND, ACTS LIKE I'M JUST MAKING IT UP OR CONJURING UP ALL THIS SHIT SO I DON'T HAVE TO WORK, & SO I CAN USE ALL OF THIS TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!!! WELL WERE ARE THOSE PEOPLE???? I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYBODY THAT FEELS SORRY FOR ME YET OR THAT HAS ANY COMPASSION FOR M OR WHAT I GO THROUGH EXCEPT MY BEST FRIEND WHO IS & TEACHES PT!!! AND, EXCEPT FOR OTHER DISABLED INDIVUALS!

WHO THE BLANK?????--WOULD MAKE THIS SHIT UP???? SO I TOLD HIM!!!!??? SO LET ME GET THIS SHIT STRAIGHT HERE THAT YOU ARE ACCUSING ME OF!!!??? YOU ARE SAYING THAT I HAD THIS WRECK THIS MANY YEARS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN JUST SO I COULD HAVE YOU ALL THESE YEARS LATER JUST SO I COULD USE THIS TO CONTROL & MANIPULATE YOU!!!!??? JUST SO I COULD RAISE YOU SINGLE HANDEDLY, KEEP YOU, LOVE YOU, ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU JUST SO I COULD WAIT UNTIL YOU GOT GROWN & THEN USE YOU & MANIPULATE YOU!!!!!

WELL, I MAY BE BRAIN INJURED!!!! I MAY PCS, MS, DENERATIVE ARTHRITIS, & PTSD!!!!! BUT I HAVENT' GOT PSYCHOTIC YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOR AM I A FREAKING SOCIALPATH EITHER!!!!!!!! I MEAN, MY GOD!!!!! I'D HAVE TO ONE OF THOSE TO PLAN SOMETHING SOOO DIABOLICAL THAT MANY YEARS IN ADVANCE!!!!! AND, TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH SUCH A CATASTROPHIC EVENT!!!!! AND, TO CONTINUE TO GO THROUGH SUCH HELL EVERY FREAKING DAY!!!!!!

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT!!!!??? I HAVE ALL THESE MEMORY PROBLEMS, BALANCE ISSUES, FALLING & HURTING MYSELF CONSTANTLY, DROPPING SHIT ALL DAY EVERYDAY, FLASHING LIGHTS, BLURRY VISION, EAR & HEARING PROBLEMS, & ON & ON!!!!!! I HAVE & SUFFER ALL OF THIS & CAN BARELY WALK & AM GETTING A CANE & FIXING TO TRY TO GET A SCOOTER BECAUSE OF LEG & BALANCE ISSUES, ETC...... JUST SO I CAN CONTROL & MANIPULATE MY SON & OTHERS!!!???

MY SON DOESN'T EVEN LIVE WITH ME!!!! HE HASN'T BEEN AROUND ME, OR CALLED ME, OR CAME OVER IN A YEAR & A HALF!!!! I HAVE MADE IT ALL BY MYSELF DURING THAT TIME! I HAVE NOT ASK HIM FOR SHIT SINCE HE LEFT!!!! AND, ALL I ASK FOR THEN WAS FOR HIM TO HELP ME! I NEEDED HIS PHYSICAL HELP MORE THAN I NEEDED ANY MONATARY HELP!!!! I NEEDED HIM TO PHYSICALLY HELP ME WITH THINGS BECAUSE I WAS HAVING A PROBLEM DOING THEM MYSELF!!!!

AND, HE REFUSED ME!!!! HE LIVED OFF OF ME & DIDN'T PAY A DIME!!!!! HE WOULDN'T PAY ON THE UTILITY BILL EVEN THOUGH HE WAS RUNNING THE BILL UP TO 450-500 A MONTH! HE MADE BILLS ALL OVER THE PLACE, NOT ONLY IN HIS NAME BUT IN MY NAME ALSO! I HAVE A HUGE LOAN AGAINST MY ONLY VEHICLE BECAUSE OF HIM! I HAVE PAID 6000 ALMOST INTO THIS 2600 DOLLAR LOAN FOR SEVERAL YEARS NOW & STILL DON'T HAVE IT PAID OFF OR DOWN! ALL I DO IS PAY INTEREST EVERY MONTH & I NEVER EVER GET ANYWHERE!!!! AND, HIS NAME IS ON THE LOAN & HE HAS REFUSED TO PAY EVEN ONE DIME ON IT!!!

HE POISENED MY DOGS, & THEN LEFT ME WITH THE BILL!!!! AND, THEN I HAD SOME DOGS TO DIE BECAUSE THE VET WOULD NOT SEE THEM, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T LIKE BEING SCREWED OVER!!!!

AND, I'M USING HIM??? MANIPULATING HIM!!!??? TRYING TO SUCK MONEY OUT OF HIM!!! I JUST WANT HIM TO PAY THE VET! PAY THE VAN LOAN! PAY ALL THE BILLS THAT HE LEFT ME WITH!

I'm only making 490 a month! He's working full time making 10 bucks an hour & then making 75 an hour working on computers! And, he is letting me sit here & struggle & pawn & sell off everything I own to pay bills while he has the money to pay them & I don't!

SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just trying to say here that I can totally relate to people treating you like crap!!!!! Because of your injuries or because of being disabled!!!! Sorry i talked so much here!!!! AND, I AM SOOOO VERY SORRY THAT PEOPLE ANYWHERE GET TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!! IT IS SOOOO HURTFUL!!!!! AND, SO INSULTING!!!!!

Quite frankly, I'm worried about the reaction of other people when I even get to a place when I can take my husband outside some day.

Today, for example, I've been thinking about taking him to the zoo. His disability is so extreme as a result of his injury that even people in the hospital don't speak to him "normally" and I have to take them aside and give them what for! What would "normal" people at the zoo think of him?

I would just like him to see the animals. He always loved animals.

My point is, why tell people about your injury? I know that you must feel compelled to, sometimes, but if the end result isn't desirable.... why bother?

Sadly, people are clueless. I don't think that they are on purpose. It's, I dunno, maybe because such thinking doesn't fit into their lives because if it did it would threaten the foundation of their existence and rock their world in a way that's more than they could handle. "There but for the grace of God...." kind of stuff.

You don't owe excuses or explainations to ANYBODY for who or what you are. Ever.

You're perfect. ;-)

KIki is right donttell only when you must.
My aunt has been a survivor for42 yrs. she has beenlabel stup, lazy liar, drunk on drugs etc and put in a mentalinstitute and used and abused by those who are supposodly normal.
she sustaine etremly severe truama and was in a coma for 14 days.

I fear my son will be loked down on like that too, he walks a little differentspeaks a little differentand reactcts sometimeinapropeately.

the world has to changeits view of others who seem a little different.
Because really NOT DIFFERENT ATALL everyone has weaknesses jsut some are not seen I wear glasses fat and have a slight hearing loss so I make weird comments because I hear diffeerentthansaid

Stand firm and strong

I've noticed a lot since my daughter was injured that it is RARE when another person is speechless or saying "Oh that is awful, I'm sorry that happened, and I hope she recovers completely!" I am like you Elanie, if someone tells me a story of something bad like that happening to them I make a fuss over it, because I am really compassionate.

I think most people are like cheesecake88 said where unless it happens in their life, they just don't react with understanding emotion. I remember when I was younger and if someone I knew told me their parent passed away I would ask how old they were. If they said something like 70 or so, I thought well they were pretty old anyway. I realized when my dad died at 69, that wasnt the case ! Just an example of not understanding until it happens to us. My daughter is a bit the opposite where she would rather not tell people what happened to her. She got this little job nearby (bless her heart) organizing this woman's closets. She's been doing it a couple days now and I asked her if she told the woman about how she was injured and Michelle said "no, I'm not saying anything unless she asks something." I'm sure the woman is wondering about Michelle's trach scar though. The woman did ask Michelle about college and Michelle told her she used to be a full time college student. I would think the woman wonders why she isnt any longer. Here is something random to add. It is coincidental that you wrote about this topic yesterday because I had something really rare happen. I was taking a walk on this country road near my house going up a hill when a woman passed me on a bicycle. I said wow, thats pretty good, I know I couldnt make it up this hill on a bike. And she said well I was just about to get off and walk it because Im outta breath. Anyway, we get to talking about exercise and I told her Ive gained weight the past year because of what happened to my daughter. Elanie, she put her hands to her chest and her mouth fell open. I thought she was going to cry! We talked about everything and the progress Michelle's made but how she is different. This lady (Bea), she felt so bad. She said something special will come to my daughter one day. She asked my daughters name and said she will pray for her forever and me too! I just couldnt believe I met this lady like that on a country road who gave so much compassion to me when I REALLY NEEDED it. Darn, she lives in Oklahoma (Im in Virginia). She was there visiting her daughter. I hope you have a positive encounter with someone soon too !

Elanie, read my journal "through no fault of her own" if you have a chance. Like you having someone ask "so was the drunk driver ok?", a co-worker asked me "so who's fault was it" after he asked me one day how my daughter was doing.

I live in an apt. complex that is for elderly/disabled people.....it looks like a regular complex.....rents are so high in the N.E......I'm very thankful to have it.....but I have had to advocate for myself....explain what my needs are and why. They try to understand but brain injury and looking ok don't compute often in people's mind.I've been here 7 years now and they know me well enough and understand I'm not making things. up. I guess my point is if we, who have a brain injury don't talk about it, how will there be. any understanding? There will always be insensitive people/my hope is in the future there will also be more understanding ones because of brain injury being discussed. Just MHO.

I can see your point cheesecake. I think as my daughter gets older (she's only 22) and more out of the recovery stages (it's only been a year and 1/2 since she was injured) she will end up having to talk about it more. But I think for now, she's already had to talk about it so much to doctors, lawyers and family that she got tired of it. Talking about it with strangers is probably more intimidating for precisely the reason Elanie wrote on here.

I see your point as well.....it's all about where we are at in the journey......I withdrew for awhile after so many doctors....exhausted....tired of repeating myself....tired of explaining...now I'm at the opposite end, tired of being quiet....frustrated at how B.I. people are often treated....I should have explained myself better because I can relate to where your daughter is at klassact. Take care

you want to knowsomething asmy sonscaregiver people ask how he is my busness partner actually said that she doesnt wnt to hear. she use to be my dear friend whom I helped but not now. If my best friend doesnt want to share the burden or the joy when he makes progress who does??