Hi All,

My name is Victoria. I'm 25 years old. It wasn't until the tail end of last year/this year that I was brought to recognize what BPD is, and how it affects my life. It all began from a heartbreak two years ago, when my ex accused me of being bipolar and having BPD and breaking up with me. He said I was exactly like his ex wife, who had BPD. That thought haunted me, and I started going to therapy mostly because of my heartbreak over my ex (I still feel it, two years later). I have seen two therapists who have brought this to my attention: I have obsessive tendancies, body dysmorphia and terrible self image, extremely high anxiety, symptoms of BPD AND possibly cyclothymia/bipolar disorder.

In the past I have suffered from anorexia (eating about 300 calories a day), and today I eat about 1200 a day, but continue to obsessively count calories/be obsessive about my weight loss. I will cycle between counting calories and having a "fuck it" mentality where I binge eat until I can't breathe, followed by shame. And I will go from wanting to control everything to completely losing control. I have also had suicidal thoughts (I was told recently that I have had a suicide in my family, which I had originally been told was a death by heart attack. I wonder perhaps if my grandfather had suffered in some of the ways that I did). I have also gravitated towards drinking (a lot), and doing various drugs, mostly cocaine, to boost my mood and numb me. I think, in terms of obsession and body dysmorphia, my face is what I "attack" most. I use makeup as a safety blanket, and to essentially transform my features. If I have a breakout and am unable to hide it with makeup, I feel afraid to leave the house, anxious, unattractive. If I have been binge eating and my skin looks terrible, I would rather stay home than interact with anyone.

I feel that I have suffered more than anything, in my interpersonal relationships. I think, perhaps, that I might have always had such problems, but they have worsened significantly since my last breakup. Long story short, I thought I would marry this man. He manipulated me A LOT in the relationship, and coming from a standpoint of someone who is CONSTANTLY uncertain about my feelings/emotions/actions/who is good and who is bad, I felt at times I was passively taken advantage of in the relationship but unable to recognize if I was "wrong" or if he was "wrong" or if he was a really good person, or if one event or situation made him a bad person. I was constantly swayed back and forth in my emotions and my trusting of him. He broke up with me, and despite all of my mixed feelings, I really loved him, and convinced myself after he told me he would marry me, that that is what would happen. Since then, I have basically lost faith in humanity, and I feel as though every anxiety, symptom of depression, BPD tendancy, etc. that I have had in my life instantly amplified.

Whereas I was more passive and able to hold in my explosions of anger before, after my breakup, I couldn't contain myself at all. If I felt a sense of abandonment by a guy I went on a date on who didn't return my call weeks later, I would text him ranting about how awful he is to kiss a girl and never talk to her again. 

I was in a recent situation where I was dating a guy (who took advantage of me by pumping me full of alchohol, who I tried to date, and later found out he slept with a married woman, who was in the same program with me at USC and who talked shit about me to everyone I knew). I sent him pages upon pages of angry texts (and her) unable to control my anger, feelings of betrayal, dismay and abandonment. I feel that my anger has constantly been feuled by thoughts of abandonment. Wondering why people can treat me, or others a certain way, and not feel any remorse at all. A huge, loss in faith in humanity. A building hatred. This hatred has just grown. And every time I sent a text trying to defend myself or "punish" someone, I IMMEDIATELY felt remorse, embarrassment and even more unhappiness, and then would want to text them or reach out to them to apologize at a later point.

I have pushed away not only negative influences in my life, but people who were good for me, who might have made a mistake or two, or might have gotten into a small argument with me. It may have felt easier, at the time, to completely let go of them and apply their one mistake or what not to the entirety of our friendship. I believe BPD defensive reactions are born out of fear...wanting to protect ourselves. It's insane to me how many friendships I have lost. How many people I have scared away. How many connections I have let go of because of how I have behaved. This is what has hurt me the most. I am constantly unable to understand who is "good" or "bad" for me, and I end up just tossing everyone into a "bad" pile, and moving onto a new friendship. I fear that I will push everyone away, and am terrified of myself.

I obsess over my past experiences and choices constantly, which only fuels more self hatred. I have been called crazy more than once, and its such a hurtful accusation to experience, knowing these were once people I loved, who loved me, who were my friends. How do I cope with my fears? How do I not push everyone away? How do I stop obsessing and hurting myself and dealing with this vicious cycle?

I believe in many ways, my breakup only accentuated what was always there. That feeling of being abandoned after being PROMISED something destroyed me completely, and made me miserable, and I couldn't crawl out. I believed everyone was against me and out to hurt me. I have been told many times, by my family in particular, who has witnessed my constant loss of friends, etc, that I "always play the victim." I hate facing that fact. I really do.

I also believe that my brother's physical abuse, rage, and emotional abuse from my mother at a young age, as well as my rape when I was 15, my first boyfriend cheating on me, the man I lost my "virginity" to (I told myself I was still a virgin in my mind despite the rape) accusing me of not being a virgin afterwards, and the first love of my life not loving me back, after a two year relationship, contributed to who I am today as well. I think I have a lot of skeletons and scars from my life, but I don't want to continue to relive these moments, and hate myself because of them.

I would appreciate any advice on this. I'm really having a tough time. Thank you,

-V