i feel the same way at times. you arnt alone at all! being diagnosed was a scary thing for me too. i followed some bpd pages on facebook (not gonna lie....a couple were meme pages bc i handle a lot with humor) and i did my own research on what it means and symptoms. its important to remember that BPD is a trauma response disorder and it gets better! its not easy but it can be after healing and coping skills.


please dont be afraid and remember that people love you! stay strong friend!

Hi, sorry to hear of your struggles. Sigh. by the time i was diagnosed, (i was 36) i had lived with full blown bpd and ocd among other issues for 32 years. Cant really say i knew there was any other way or that it wasnt "normal". I mean, I knew others werent like me. My family always called me too. I was too serious, i was too silly I was too tired all the time i was too full of energy, you name it, i was excessive. What i learned, was that it wasnt ok to be me. So i hid who i was as best i could and withdrew. My first suicide attempt i was 12. Some how i survived four more attempts, (being declared dead more than once)

The first medication i got on was celexa. The best way i can describe what celexa does to my brain is... its like trying to run under water. so much resistance to slow all my thinking down. It was really the first time i had any glimpse of normalcy in my life. meds arent a cure all though.

not only can i relate to feeling like an imposter. I often still do. I also often feel like i am bothering ppl, even when they have told me over and over that they appreciate me. I can know what they say, i can know what the truth is, but my emotions ... well they are often died up with the abuse i endured and often still telling me about my abuse rather than having anything to do with the day to day reality i live it.

I can still tell when i am manic, (thats the rough times for me really) and sometimes the depression is still bad enough, (i dont really think or feel like its depression? oddly enough) that I have no interest in getting out of bed, or eating or speaking or living. Just ... stare stupidly into blackness trying to be one with it. its sort of like someone drained all my blood out, nearly impossible to even move. ya. and to be honest, My meds are making me alot better.

I am no longer terrified of my mania, i can sometimes even sleep when i am manic, and i never do anything dangerous or reckless putting my life or others lives at risk. Trouble is, almost all the meds that effectively treat bipolar have some nasty sexual side effects. There is nothing easy about being on meds, and it takes time to find ones that work well.

It gets better. Its not easy but it gets better. I appreciate you sharing and please take the best care of yourself that you can. Often bipolar is directly connected to early childhood trauma, and it iusually comes along with what they call, "comorbid" diagnosis. Meaning, most ppl with bipolar also have at least one and sometimes more personality disorders. Lucky me i have three. Diagnosis can be scary, and it can sometimes even be wrong but... if you often have very wide emotional swings with no good reason why, then your diagnosis is likely correct. Think of it as a step on the way to living a better life. And keep coming back ppl here have been where you are, it helps to talk with ppl who have been through it.