Hello, my name is Jessica and I have Borderline-Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed at 17 and am now 21 years old. For those of you who don't know what Borderline is, I would check out this link http://gettinbetter.com/anatomy.html

but, as a short version, Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder is which one does not know how to trust. 

This goes all the way back from the moment you're born. 

You look up to your parents as kids and you learn from them. Kids are sponges definitely. All kids have to learn who they can trust and right now all you know is these are my parents and this is the world. 

If you can't trust your parents or the world, you have to protect yourself and you have to do what you have to do in order to have some semblance of control in an out-of- control world. 

For example: at the age of 3 I walked in on my dad hitting my mom. She fell to the ground and from that moment I knew I had to protect her. 

By age 5 I was following her around and trying desperately to make her happy, to try to fix something that wasn't my fault. She didn't realize what I was doing and she labeled me as clingy. 

By age 7 I wanted love from a older women, I wasn't getting it from my mom. She didn't want hugs. She rarely liked physical contact. So I would go to school and play "teachers pet" just so I knew I was making someone, anyone happy. Also at age 7 I was molested and that added to the out of control feeling. I tried to tell my mom, but I didn't want to add anymore stress to her life. She was already so unhappy. 

By age 10 I craved attention so much that I faked illnesses all the time. I even tricked my body into giving me hives (the brain is a very powerful thing). I just wanted her to pay attention to me. Maybe if I'm sick she'll take care of me. 

At age 13 I was being bullied. They called me fat and ugly and I was molested again by two boys this time. But it was my fault, I shouldn't have "dressed like a whore" or at least that's what my mom said. I felt the shame and anger and overwhelming sadness and I took it out on myself. I cut myself and I stopped eating. I excersised and I threw up all for the control. I needed something stable. Something I could grab onto. 

At age 15 I was already forming unhealthy relationships. I showed off my body just so I could feel pretty. I made sure that everyone saw me as beautiful because that's all I've wanted. I had sex with older men. I was drinking and doing drugs. And all of these things were damaging, but I needed them. I needed to feel this way because it's all I've ever known. I deserved this. 

Ages 16-18 I had had 3 suicide attempts under my belt, 4 men rape me and use me, but at that time I had a one up, I learned how to manipulate people into getting what I want. I wanted drugs and alcohol and so I used the promise of my body to get them. I learned how to read a person in under 5 minutes and now all their flaws. Because I'm going to make sure I hurt them before they hurt me. Always. And it worked. I got what I wanted and I broke their hearts in the process. Oh well, it was done to me so it's okay. Breaking someone's heart was my biggest accomplishment. It was my ultimate goal. And I craved to do it, just like it was done to me over and over. 

All my romantic relationships were horrible. I fell in love with boys who I knew couldn't love me back, but that's why I loved them because they are just like my mom. If you've ever felt heartbreak than you know that that is the worst feeling, but for someone with Borderline it's not just the worst feeling  it feels like your heart stopped beating and like the feeling you're feeling right now won't ever go away.

Borderlines do not handle rejection or pain very well. It's like having 3rd degree burns all over your body. Just one touch and you wanna die.

and remember throughout all of this it's all leading back to how my mom treated me. Don't be clingy. Stop crying. Stop bringing people into our life. No wonder no one will stay with you, you're crazy. But the worst one was "okay get off me, I'm done hugging now." 

You grow up to be what you are taught. Borderline symptoms are what we have learned to best protect ourselves because we can't get our hearts broken again. Never ever again. It hurts so much. And we would do anything not to feel it. 

And if you click on the link and read through everything (it's very long) you'll have a better understanding of you or someone you know with Borderline

It's a scary disorder and most people are afraid to treat it. Yes, afraid. I've been to at least 4 therapist where I was amazed they didn't start shaking with fear and peeing on the floor. 

This disorder is also a fairly new discovery. People still to this day are trying to understand it more.

It's a hard pill to swallow and for you and everyone involved it gets harder and then easier and harder again.

but us Borderlines have the power. We are not incapable of learning, we are just scared.

All Borderlines are different and some may not do the things that I do or that someone else has done.

Everything is on a spectrum.

We are called abusers and manipulators and horrible people, while we act this way, we all have one thing in common. WE CANT TRUST ANYBODY. Which doesn't make any of our actions okay. We need to be held responsible, just like anyone else.

Borderline goes back way before you were born. It goes back generations and generations of abuse and just remember that once you know about this disorder you can stop the cycle. I know I will.

I'm now 21 years old and I have come to terms with my Borderline and I cope everyday with the things that have happened. I'm married and I have a job. I have hope and I've always had this fire in me that wouldn't go out. I'm so lucky to be where I am right now. I struggle and I fall but I get back up. I go to therapy and I take my medicine and I push through everyday.

Thank you for reading.

-Jessica