Is there anyone out there going through what im going through?

Hello! I can give you my two cents from the opposite side of the coin. I’m a male, married to a woman, and bi. I came out to her early in our relationship and she didn’t care but like you she’s also dead set on monogamy. I can’t say it’s not without it’s challenges and here’s why:

Personally, I struggled with accepting who I was for a long time. I’m not sure if your hubby was the same but for me my teenage years were racked with shame and guilt over these feelings I had no control over. I did work up the courage to experiment lightly but I was so insecure and awkward that they became negative experiences which just made me feel worse about myself. It wasn’t until my mid 20s when I started to accept that it was who I was and there was nothing wrong with it. Of course as fate has it, I met my wife only a month after I moved out with plans to finally explore and get some closure on my sexuality, now that I was free from family and friends and could keep it confidential.

Now, I love my wife and she’s the right partner for me in life, which has so many aspects beyond just sex. But I still can’t help feel that I don’t have closure on the topic because I never got to have that experience in a guilt free way with the mindset I have now. It makes me regret how I behaved when I was younger but also introduces new guilt in that she only sees it as a desire to not be faithful. I don’t really see it that way because for me it has nothing to do with my commitment to her as a partner in life, but rather feels like an arbitrary withholding of an experience I have now deprived myself of because society says it’s wrong to not be monogamous.

I of course will not cheat and act unfaithful but I do think about doing similar things like going to a gay bar just to see what it’s like - because I wish I had had the courage to do it earlier when I was single and feel that I have missed a key milestone in my own self fulfillment. I suspect your husband could feel the same way.

My advice would be to listen and keep an open mind but also make clear your own boundaries. Maybe you’ll come around and be okay with it and maybe you won’t - there’s no right answer, only what’s right for both of you. For us we’ve done pegging to try and imitate it, which is better than nothing but like I said still leaves some feelings I have to deal with. Don’t know what my future holds, only that I simultaneously love her unconditionally and don’t feel at peace with myself. It’s a paradox.

All I can really offer is my take on things. Please note I do not present this as THE answer or THE way to look at things. I merely provide this for perspective and consideration. Take what you find useful and toss the rest.

I am 47 and married for 17 years and just recently came out as bisexual - most notably to myself. When I look back over the course of my life I realize I always was, I just never recognized it as enough of "a thing" to explore that side of myself.

Do I feel like I missed out on an opportunity to explore that side of myself? Yes.

Do I wish I had the option to date men and see what it was like? Yes.

Am I going to push for things that would hurt my wife in order to do so? No.

The thing is, in my opinion being bisexual carries with it soooo much more than just sex, which may seem counterintuitive with "sex" right there in the word. But being bisexual simply means you have the **capacity** to experience sexual or romantic feelings for people of different sexes. (Footnote: I use "bisexual" as relatively synonymous with "pansexual" to express the capacity for attraction toward people of the opposite sex and gender, people of the same sex and gender, and everything in between.)

But, and here's the big take-away for my perspective - there is a difference between sexual **attraction** and sexual **conduct.** It's like if I met a woman besides my wife whom I found very attractive. Just because I may find myself drawn to them and even wondering what a relationship, be it sexual or romantic, would have been like does not mean I am going to ACT on that attraction. The idea that anyone "can't help themselves" because they're bisexual or male is, in my opinion, horse biscuits. A person chooses their actions and bears the responsibility of those choices. There is no, "I just couldn't help myself." That's not to say the person didn't make a mistake and can learn to not do it again, but the idea that one can't stop themselves or MUST act because they are bi or male is not absolution from the responsibility of their choices.

For myself, my wife knows I am bi and that my "alone time" will usually involve same-sex fantasies just like her private time would involve fantasies of guys other than myself. We find great delight in comparing notes on guys we find attractive and it's a very fun new facet of our marriage. I also go to a camp for gay/bi men twice a year but she knows I only go to socialize and enjoy being in "queer space" with other men. She knows I will not do anything with any of them. That's not to say there aren't men there I would were I not married. She just trusts that I won't do anything. Frustratingly enough, I have had to explain to some of the men there that the fact that I am married to a **woman** is not the reason I won't fool around when they bring that up to question whether I belong under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. I tell them it's that I am married.... period. End of story. The sex of my spouse is irrelevant to my devotion to them.

On that note, I will say this - I find it very beneficial to be able to socialize with other gay/bi men and other LGBTQ+ individuals. It generally IS considered helpful for bi individuals to have some kind of community, more so if they realize this later in life. And the bisexual community is sorely underrepresented in the LGBTQ+ community because so few come out or figure "what's the point" or are simply not accepted (bi-erasure or bi-invisibility).

Now, that is not to sound insensitive to those who feel like they are somehow incomplete because of those curiosities. I, too, sometimes feel a very strong desire to know what it is like. But we much each assess our priorities individually. Which does a person consider greater - the desire to experience same-sex intimacy or the desire to honor the commitments between them and their spouse?

To the feedback you have gotten, MrsTinkyT, I would say you need to search your feelings and assess your boundaries. No one can dictate how you should feel and act in this situation. From what you describe, you have been very open and understanding and your husband is lucky to have someone that would even consider having discussions on how to help them honor this side of themselves. But only you know your personal feelings and boundaries. If possible, I would suggest finding a therapist that can help you navigate these - especially one versed in positive psychology and solution-focused therapy as they will focus on helping you find the answers you already have within yourself. Or perhaps couples counseling to help you and your husband figure out how to navigate this tricky topic in ways that you both find mutually agreeable.

Finally, I would like to touch on what I said before - being bisexual means SO MUCH MORE than who you want to have sex with and it's possible to honor that side of the self in ways that don't involve sex. For example, before I took on the mantle of being bisexual I was already a strong ally of the LGBTQ+ community. Now that I see myself as PART of that community, I am that much more committed to advocacy. I am relatively open about being bi and have no trouble partaking in conversations about "hot guys." My wife and I will likely march in this year's local Pride Week parade and I will be part of some of the events.

For myself, it also has meant I don't have to edit myself. I was always described as a "sensitive kid" when I was young and can be a liiiiiittle queer at times in my speech and mannerisms. I'm a very fluid and animated talker but I would often tone that down because it "seemed gay." But now I don't and I can tell you I'm not only more internally relaxed but also physically relaxed. I no longer judge myself by arbitrary and sexist notions of "what it means to be a man." I've even started wearing nail polish on my ring fingers because I find it fun and a great middle-finger to the pointless concepts of gender norms. (For the record, I'm pretty masculine looking with a shaved head, goatee, and regular gym work so not a "pretty man" so the paradox of wearing nail polish is that much more delicious in how it defies pointless societal concepts of normalcy.)

Heck, for Christmas my wife got me a bunch of stuff with rainbow unicorns as a fun way to honor my personal revelation. (Unicorns are sometimes a symbol for bisexual people to play on the idea that many think we don't actually exist.)

All of this is to highlight that being bisexual is one part of who a person who identifies as such. It is much more than who a person finds sexually or romantically attractive. It can help you feel more attuned to your values, your social outlook, your political sensibilities, and even how you express yourself as a human being. It can be a vibrant and wonderful part of exploring who you are from a holistic perspective and the evolution of who you are as a being undergoing the human experience. And you don't have to touch a single penis to do that.

Good luck on your journey to you both.

I feel like I'm in a similar boat. My wife and I came out to each other as bi three days ago. I feel as though I should be free and liberated, but now the thought of my wife leaving me for another woman because I can't satisfy her curiosity, compounded by the fact that I am her first sexual partner has been painful to say the least. I have constant heart pangs of jealousy and paranoia. I don't know how to stop this feeling...I just want my wife to be happy...but we have a child and cannot think of the possibility of another person destroying us. I'm cool with her fantasies, but she's mentioned throwing another into the mix and that freaks me out. Especially since she's become quite close with a new girl friend who is a exotic dancer and a swinger. I've told her that if we ever invited anyone else it could not be a friend or anyone we know as that could destroy us. She said that she never would but once again I can't stop the paranoia...

I am a married bi man and I have admitted to my wife my sexuality. I have been faithful to her through our 10 years of marriage. I have had the experiences with men that I desired prior to meeting my wife so I am not curious as I know what it feels like.

I am a different from your husband in that I am not interested in a man joining us in our bedroom for my pleasure. I am not comfortable with her seeing me pleasure another man. I however would be open to idea of a woman joining us in the bedroom if it pleased her.

When I came out to my wife we had some brutally honest conversations which were very uncomfortable for me. It was hard for me to admit that I enjoyed performing this act on men and that it really did enjoy it. Now there were also times when we watched some porn and she wanted to know how to perform a certain act and asked me if I had done that before. I answered her honestly and told her how to do that. I also admitted that every time I was with a man I did that to please him. Later she tried it when were together and she was surprised that it worked.

I don’t have a great solution to your problem but talking about how you feel is the only thing I know to do.