Bisexuality Support Group
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of both their own and the opposite gender or sex. Most bisexuals are not equally attracted to men and women, and may even shift between states of finding either sex exclusively attractive over the course of time.
I wrote this a couple of months ago and wanted to see if I could get anymore helpful responses:
Okay, here's the thing. I basically went on here as a last resort. Right now, there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this problem, but I just don't know what to do.
A little backstory: I'm going to try and keep names and locations censored
I am a male 16 year old, and I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual (at least that's what I want to believe).
I go to an arts school for violin and I've been going for 3 years as a high schooler. Last year, an old middle school friend (let's call him Stephen) auditioned and got in. He started the second term. It was nice having him there but I don't really remember us two being very close. We go to the same high school and around noon we would all get on a bus that would take us downtown to our second magnet school. Most of the time, he would keep to himself, listen to music in the back of the bus and not really talk to anyone. I made a few attempts at conversation, but they never really went anywhere.
The beginning of the school year brought on a tragedy. One of the students that attended the same arts school as we both did committed suicide. I never really talked to him, but apparently him and Stephen were friends. After we found out, they had canceled classes for the day, we all just milled around the hallways not really knowing what to do.
I remember seeing Stephen slouched against the wall at the end of the hallway and it was obvious he was crying. I put a hand on his shoulder and we locked eyes. Neither of us said anything as we pulled each other into a tight hug. I can't forget the sorrow I felt for him as his body was wracked with sobs and the shoulder of my t-shirt became soaked with tears. He was in pain. At that moment did I realize all the crap he suffered through when we knew each other in middle school. How girls used to toy with his emotions and his having domestic problems at home and how he found himself taking in the comfort in the world of drugs. I can't remember how long we stood there, both of us crying for two separate reasons: him for his loss, and I for his despair. In that moment, our friendship solidified like never before.
The days followed with more tears and embraces from friends. The more we suffered through, the closer we became, me and Stephen. This was 2 months ago. Now, we maintain a very close relationship. He sits with me on the bus, he playfully messes with my hair and gives me random hugs and I do the same thing. We check in on each other if any of us are sick, we buy each other some food from the local 7-11 if one of us is having a bad day, and occasionally throw in a sexual euphemism every now and then. Herein lies the problem.
As I said before, I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I slowly found myself becoming more and more attracted to him, and God did I hate myself for it. The last thing I wanted to do was fall in love with my best friend. Its getting ridiculous. I remember when he told me that he hooked up with one of the girls at our school, I felt sorrow and even jealous, but I told him I was happy for him, which I was all the same. I find myself getting jealous every time he hugs someone that isn't me and its even gotten to the point where my day is affected if he is absent from school, like I can't live a day independently anymore. All day, all I want is to be on that bus with him, see his smiling face and have him by my side and him just being...there. He wouldn't even have to say anything, I would just take comfort in the fact that he was sitting there next to me.
Every time I see him with his girlfriend, kissing, hugging, laughing, I feel my heart just ache. I'm happy that he's found someone that's made him so happy, but I know we can never have something like that. What can I do? I know if I tell him how I feel, things will never be the same between us, and I'm living with the grief that I know that we love each other in a best friend kind of way and I catch myself wishing for more than just that. I feel shut up and I'm just going to have to live with the fact that all we can be is just best friends. I love him, I care about him, he's like my brother, but this pain is too much..
Okay, here's the thing. I basically went on here as a last resort. Right now, there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this problem, but I just don't know what to do.
A little backstory: I'm going to try and keep names and locations censored
I am a male 16 year old, and I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual (at least that's what I want to believe).
I go to an arts school for violin and I've been going for 3 years as a high schooler. Last year, an old middle school friend (let's call him Stephen) auditioned and got in. He started the second term. It was nice having him there but I don't really remember us two being very close. We go to the same high school and around noon we would all get on a bus that would take us downtown to our second magnet school. Most of the time, he would keep to himself, listen to music in the back of the bus and not really talk to anyone. I made a few attempts at conversation, but they never really went anywhere.
The beginning of the school year brought on a tragedy. One of the students that attended the same arts school as we both did committed suicide. I never really talked to him, but apparently him and Stephen were friends. After we found out, they had canceled classes for the day, we all just milled around the hallways not really knowing what to do.
I remember seeing Stephen slouched against the wall at the end of the hallway and it was obvious he was crying. I put a hand on his shoulder and we locked eyes. Neither of us said anything as we pulled each other into a tight hug. I can't forget the sorrow I felt for him as his body was wracked with sobs and the shoulder of my t-shirt became soaked with tears. He was in pain. At that moment did I realize all the crap he suffered through when we knew each other in middle school. How girls used to toy with his emotions and his having domestic problems at home and how he found himself taking in the comfort in the world of drugs. I can't remember how long we stood there, both of us crying for two separate reasons: him for his loss, and I for his despair. In that moment, our friendship solidified like never before.
The days followed with more tears and embraces from friends. The more we suffered through, the closer we became, me and Stephen. This was 2 months ago. Now, we maintain a very close relationship. He sits with me on the bus, he playfully messes with my hair and gives me random hugs and I do the same thing. We check in on each other if any of us are sick, we buy each other some food from the local 7-11 if one of us is having a bad day, and occasionally throw in a sexual euphemism every now and then. Herein lies the problem.
As I said before, I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I slowly found myself becoming more and more attracted to him, and God did I hate myself for it. The last thing I wanted to do was fall in love with my best friend. Its getting ridiculous. I remember when he told me that he hooked up with one of the girls at our school, I felt sorrow and even jealous, but I told him I was happy for him, which I was all the same. I find myself getting jealous every time he hugs someone that isn't me and its even gotten to the point where my day is affected if he is absent from school, like I can't live a day independently anymore. All day, all I want is to be on that bus with him, see his smiling face and have him by my side and him just being...there. He wouldn't even have to say anything, I would just take comfort in the fact that he was sitting there next to me.
Every time I see him with his girlfriend, kissing, hugging, laughing, I feel my heart just ache. I'm happy that he's found someone that's made him so happy, but I know we can never have something like that. What can I do? I know if I tell him how I feel, things will never be the same between us, and I'm living with the grief that I know that we love each other in a best friend kind of way and I catch myself wishing for more than just that. I feel shut up and I'm just going to have to live with the fact that all we can be is just best friends. I love him, I care about him, he's like my brother, but this pain is too much..
Regardless of your sexual orientation it is not unusual for friends who have been through trauma together to feel strong feelings for each other - although that attraction may be emotional/platonic, not necessarily sexual.
I hope that your friend's situation with drugs was situational/temporary - unless they are legitimate (e.g. prescribed by a doctor) the only thing that drugs seem to do is mask reality - the issue that caused the pain is still there, and it is best to deal with the underlying issue - for example by knowing that all people struggle in life, that if you fail you are actually doing it right, as long as you keep that compassionate heart and try to learn from your mistakes. Of course it is nice to work hard and succeed, but even if you fail, there is still value in that fact that you tried in the first place. I think most people are a part of creation that is worthy of love and respect.
If either one of you ever find yourself in that situation where you are in serious pain or it is hard to cope, maybe talking to a school counselor would be a good idea.
In high school I think -everybody- was just trying to figure out what they were feeling, how they fit in, how they were different.. Some of my friends were not as inhibited and so I actually had two boys hold my hand under the desk, one of them up and kissed me in the locker room. I just sat there stunned because honestly at that time I was still trying to figure out just -what- I was feeling.. I don't know what I was putting out there but apparently a few of the boys were picking up on it.
I mean I guess I've always sort of liked men, but I was still trying to figure out how I should react, how that kiss made me feel - especially since it was in public.
For a long time I thought being bisexual was cruel punishment because I was literally afraid to tell half of the people that I loved, that I loved them - I was afraid either they would hate me for it, or they would be incapable of returning those feelings.
I don't know you, but unless you have a reason to believe that your friend would try to hurt you for saying it. I would probably eventually admit that you like him. I mean, you've cried in each other's arms - I don't know that you can get more vulnerable that that.
Bear in mind that "Love" and "Sexual attraction" are two different things..and you may find that other people are willing to love you, but that they simply don't have feelings of being attracted physically. He may not know what to do if he is already dating a girlfriend.
I believe in honesty, and I think there may be a good chance he will understand or empathize with what you are going through but I don't actually know your friend. As an adult please understand that I cannot advocate for you to get involved with this boy. I would caution you anyway that feelings of intimacy can be very strong, powerful feelings - even older people have to think very carefully about whether it is better to have a best friend who you genuinely love and care for on a platonic level vs. getting physically involved. For example, if you try something physical, and it doesn't work out it could be very awkward if you both have to see each other at school.
I was at least glad to hear that you were able to comfort each other when it sounds like you both really needed support.
Hopefully not, but only you can judge that. If you know that you will be friends for a long time, it may be better to wait until you are both older and can understand relationships better.
With a lot of thought I now know that by having to question my sexuality I was actually given the gift of having an open mind, it is not always easy - but it is worth it. Now that I am older I don't think I would give it up even if I could.
Being human isn't always easy - I will guarantee you that there are other people in your life who love you very much - but they may be distracted, they may not be feeling well or they just don't know how to show you how they feel.
If people knew just what went into getting us all here, at this one moment in time, how much love and effort was literally poured into us and tempered through the ages. .they would be a lot less quick to judge. You and I were born out of love, at one point in time (and hopefully more) our parents loved each other, and they loved us enough to devote their lives to raising us.
I won't lie to you, sex feels good - but it is one physical, fleeting moment in time - love is eternal - it transcends you or I, even your friend - and the friend that you both lost makes my heart ache - for someone to not know that they are loved, regardless of however they are feeling in that one moment in time is a terrible thing.
Love that comes from the divine is the strongest of all, it is unconditional, and much more than any one of us could ever show you with our physical bodies.
Being bisexual to me means that I am capable of forming deep loving connections with people..a whole person. You are loved, and you always will be - regardless of what is between your legs, regardless of whether you succeed or fail..if you remember nothing else - remember that, and use that as your guide toward caring for other people.
I'm going to repost this video that I posted in the other thread, for some reason there are so many hurting people out there who seem like they could use this message..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3rr4CEHjOk
..if that is true than maybe being "bisexual" is worth it, even if unrequited love sucks.
Given what you've both been through together I will guarantee you at on some level your friend cares for you, but he may or may not be actually physically attracted to you. If that is true, you must love him for who he is, not who you would like him to be.
If you look on here, you will see that many people have the same question depending on the degree of attraction they feel. "If I tell my friends, will they still love/accept me?" or "If I tell my friend I am attracted to him/her, will our friendship change?"
In my case, none of the people I was honest with rejected me, it did cause them to think about what they were feeling within their own selves. By the same token, none of them took me up on the offer either. So in reality the only thing it meant is that I got to be honest with myself and understand that even if people love you, they may not be "in love" with you.
It seems hard if you are bisexual but this can happen to two straight people as well...one just doesn't not have "feelings" for the other.
I think I understand what you are feeling, but every situation is different, the people involved are different. Often times there is not an easy answer.
If you feel brotherly love for each other, and you both know it, does anything else really need to be said?
If you feel romantic or physical attraction toward him - are you close in age? If you are much older than he is or you dominate the relationship then you should think twice.
I was taken advantage of at a very young age, men pushed boundaries with me that they should not have. I'm now 39 years old and I still have issues with self esteem and the boundary between love and sex.
If you truly love your friend and there is a large age difference then respect those boundaries; when you get older, if you are still friends then it might be more appropriate.
When we want to love another person, are we not also wanting to feel loved and accepted ourselves?
If you came out and people accepted you for it, would that be enough?
I know you may feel a lot of pressure right now but as an adult, part of me wants to tell you that if you can help it please don't worry about "sex" right now, you will have the entire rest of your adult life where sex is going to play a part.
When I said these are powerful feelings I meant it. Because of what happened to me, sex has almost always been a part of my life - there are a lot of times I wish it was not. No one should have to feel guilty because they wanted to be loved and accepted.
I know it's not perfect but at least in your generation people seem to be more tolerant of someone who is questioning their sexuality.
I am sorry buddy, beyond what I already said about knowing that you are worthy and loved I don't have a better answer.
None of us is perfect, we all struggle with something, but we take turns helping each other when we can. You helped that boy when he needed it most - don't be ashamed of that and don't beat yourself up over it.