My wife found out about my bisexual tendencies several years ago. We had many conversations and I was completely honest with her about what I had done prior to our getting married. What I can tell you is honesty is the best policy to get through this. We had many uncomfortable conversations on the subject at least for me. She asked me some pretty graphic questions which I openly and honestly answered. The toughest question was why did I do it because to her I couldn’t possibly like it. I told her that I did in fact enjoy satisfying men. I admitted what I found appealing with the men I had been with and what I preferred in a man from race and physical attributes. One night when my wife and I were watching porn together she asked me if I could do something when I was performing the act. I did not quite know how to take it but since I had started out with being totally honest about what I had done with men I answered her question. I told her in great detail how you could do that act on a man. She did try it so she knows that what I told her was true.

When I was single I performed the act that I prefer on many married men so I would say it is quite common for married men to hook up with other men. On the hook up site I had frequented married men were quite specific in what they want in the hook up. Some were only interested in giving and others were only interested in receiving. Most were specific as to oral or anal and which role they preferred. Very few of the married men were not specific.

I have not had sex with another man since I have been married to my wife. I still have fantasies about satisfying men. I can tell you that I do not fantasize about being with a man when I am with my wife. I do not believe I could have a relationship with a man as they do not satisfy me from a relationship perspective. For me it was always just sex and satisfying myself by satisfying the man I was with.

Your question of is he in denial. That is quite a complicated question. After the first time I performed the act on a man I swore I was done and I wasn’t going to do it anymore. It was a couple of months and I tried it again. From that point on I kept telling myself that was the last time but the times in between kept getting shorter and shorter. I even got physically sick after a couple of hook ups. I finally admitted to myself that I really enjoyed satisfying a man. Once I did that I found my self doing it more frequently and exploring what I liked specifically with the men I was performing the act. Up until my wife caught me I considered myself straight and just like satisfying a man. Before that and even after that I spent much time trying to figure out what I really was associated with my sexuality. After a great deal of soul searching and researching I finally saw something that made sense to me and it was a u-tube video and the simple fact was it said if I got arroused while performing the act then I was bisexual. That made a lot of sense to me but it still took some time before I could accept to myself that I was bisexual. The only person that I have admitted this to is my wife.

I am happy with my wife.

Will you truly stay with him even if he is bisexual? Being bisexual does not make you unfaithful any more than being straight or gay makes you unfaithful. The only thing I can tell you is to continue talking. If the talking is always confrontational though he will be defensive. My wife learned far more by talking in situations for which were less confrontational and said she just wanted to understand. I can also tell you that each time it was extremely difficult for me to admit to her the things I had done with a man. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

I hope this helps.

I am also on here to answer some of my own questions.

Thank you so much for trying to help me understand. I agree that complete transparency is so important to heal and earn trust back. My husband admits nothing other than being bisexual and that killed him to admit that to me. Understanding that is the easy part for me however I need to know the truth about any involvements he may have had so I can deal with it and let it go. Leaving it like this makes me never trust him, doubt where he's going or what he's doing. I hate living like that and it's not going to help us heal and move on.

I found stuff going back to 2008, confronted him, got counseling and believed him when he said it was a pure fantasy thing. He exchanged photos with this guy and set up meeting points that never happened. I really thought this was over and moved on. Then I had a feeling something wasn't right in the summer of 2017 and started digging. Thats when I found he saved all his conversations with the guy in 2008 and it was dated to after we finished therapy. SO he lied to me and continued conversations with this guy for several months. Very, very graphic stuff, was very hard to read. Then I found all his Craig list searches in all the different states he traveled since then. Conversations with all the men and again very graphic. I have a hard time believing that nothing ever happened. Why would you go through all that but never connect? He's searched out a gay bar in Chicago when there on business too and got directions to it. How am I supposed to believe this is just fantasy? Why not just watch porn if thats all it is just fantasy........which he does. (Usually women with women or 2 men and a woman.) What is your take on this? Do you think he's had encounters? Would a man go through all this and never connect?

He also has a 3 ball butt plug he uses when he travels or at home when Im out of town. He had one before too and when I ask him about it he got rid of it. He doesn't know that I know he has another one. I don't know much about them and if it's somehow substitute being with a man? Is this satisfying that desire? I have no idea but its a big secret and he's hiding it from me. Why is he ashamed if he's using it for prostate stimulations? (read that on line) Maybe he's using it more like a dildo and thats why he doesn't want me to know, I have no idea.

Been married 30 years and I tell you he really blindsided me with all this. I haven't left and do not plan on it but its hard. I am religious and very much need to know the truth about past indiscretions so I can forgive and move forward with healing our marriage. Its been so hard having a healthy sex life again because Im always wondering. I have read all the dirty details in all his letters and its so hard to put out of my mind when we are intimate. Not knowing if he's back out engaging with anyone since going back to work. I hate living like this and I have hit a brick wall because of his denials. He says he didn't and I don't believe him, end of story. Not sure how I am going to get passed this.

I so appreciate your letter and honesty. I felt the only way I could possibly understand is by talking with another man that has the same desires as my husband. Thank you for helping me understand him through your experiences. Your wife must be very strong and love you very much, your a lucky guy. Most woman would have split than deal with this. I do love him and committed to my marriage. I was so looking forward to this final chapter of our lives, empty nesters and freedom to be us. He ruined that and part of me is still angry at him for jeopardizing everything. I wish he could be like you and just be honest and open even though its painful. Was hoping our marriage and I was worth it.

Thank you again............

So my husband went out of town yesterday and I saw that he went to a gay bar where he is staying. I just don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts on what I wrote back to you above or now this?

Help!

The fact that he is going to gay bars seems a little strange to me. The fact that he went to therapy and said he had given it all up and then continues to do what he said he gave up seems dishonest to me.

I agree with you about the transparancy. I also think he needs to have some boundaries that he should not cross. One of those is not to lie to you.

I will be open. I watch gay and straight porn. Yes I still fantasize about performing oral sex on men which is the act that I described above. We have discussed and I admit to her that I still fantasize about it but have not acted on it. You are correct there are plenty of options without pursuing other men.

I can also tell you that before I met a man many times I flirted with them on line and never met them. So you could say for a long time I was a tease.

A little background for you to better understand. I had to cut my response short because of a dying battery.

I used to get on line with men and set up meetings and never met up with them. The first time I met up with a man I set it up on line. I had gone this far many times before and never met anybody. I was totally shocked when I was standing in front of if his door ringing the doorbell. I wondered if I would run until he opened the door. I constantly thought I would chicken out. I thought this right up until the time we were watching porn and getting naked. When I saw him with no pants on I knew I was going to do what I had fantasized about many times before.

When I left his house I told myself I was not going to do this again. I took me many months but eventually I was back on line arranging another meeting and after each meeting it was the last time. The difference was it a shorter time in between performing oral sex. It took me many months to admit to myself that I actually enjoyed what I was doing with men. It took me many years to admit that I was bisexual which was extremely difficult to admit to myself.

I did not act on my desires with another man until I was in my late thirties. As I mentioned at best I was a tease with many men. I arranged to hook up with them and never showed up. In some respects it took a lot of courage for me to go through with the act. I am currently 55.

My wife knows I have performed oral sex on men and she has stayed with me knowing that. She also knows that I still fantasize about performing oral sex on men. She stays because I have not had sex with another man since we met and that I am committed to her.

I am being totally open to you in hopes that it will help you understand. I will also tell you it is not easy even though I don’t know you to admit these things to a person.

I hope this helps you understand a little more. If you have questions for me please let me know.

Yes it is possible to talk about it and never actually meet up. I did this for years which ended in me masturbating and not meeting them. As I mentioned I also would start driving to meet a man and would chicken out. I was shocked the first time I actually hooked up with a man. I can tell you I did not believe I would go through with hooking up with him right up until the time we were both standing there naked.

I had been curious about it since I was a teenager. I would say the better part of 25 years. There were many times that I went to the edge and never had been with a man before that evening in my late thirties.

I am not sure I ever would have ever had sex with a man had it not been for me dating a woman who encouraged me to explore that side of me. Even with the encouragement and knowing that she was supportive of me doing this. it was still difficult for me to actually acting on my desires even with her encouragement. Up to that evening I did much of what your husband has done with exception of deception.

I came out to my wife after 47 years of marriage. My wife and I were virgins when we got married and after marriage I soon learned she did not have much sex drive. It seemed like for her that sex was a her marital duty not something she looked forward to or got excited about. About 20 years into our marriage I started looking for men. It was sexual release not any real attraction to men.. I desperately wanted better sex with my wife but trying to talk to her she simply changed the subject. She even ordered a set of 3 sex therapy tapes for married couples to improve a sex life but after the first tape didn't even want to watch the other 2. After years of frustration I found that meeting a man was quick and easy and there were LOTS of married men looking for the same thing. I still want a great sex life with my wife but we have gone to 2 1/2 years of therapy and nothing changes. The woman we see even tells my wife that she has deep seeded sexual hang-ups but my wife doesn't seem interested in working on it. I love her and want only her sex for her seems like a marital commitment not something she really wants.

It seem when a married woman discovers after years of marriage that she is bi or lesbian everyone is happy for her that she found her true being. When a man finds out he is a pervert.
I had no idea when I got married decades ago I was bi. I think I have apologized enough since telling my wife 3 years ago.

It is difficult and every situation is unique. I consider myself pansexual because I find people of any gender including transgender attractive. I have been married for almost 30 years. She is my partner in life and I help her with her sexual desires at times as she does for me. The bottom line for me is that we are in a committed relationship so I do not stray. If I was single I would pursue a relationship with someone I found to love of any gender. Sexual orientation should not relate in a negative way to commitment. Just like if I was straight and I found another woman attractive I would not stray, when I meet a man or transgender/transitioning person attractive, I do not stray.

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I posted a similar struggle in another group here. I've been struggling with my S.O.'s bisexuality because he continues to lie and hide and keep secrets when trying to meet men for massages with happy endings. He's admitted to me that he is bisexual and I've accepted it. I did tell him that it does not give him license to lie and cheat and go behind my back. We've separated 3 times because of his lying. We got back together because he promised to get counseling, SAA, couple's therapy. But, today he did it, or tried to do it again -- hook up with a man, behind my back, for a sexual massage.

I don't know what to do! I know he loves me and wants to have a relationship with me but he can't stop this need to be with a man and he also can't stop his need to keep secrets and go behind my back.

Right now, we're stuck. I'm stuck trying to figure out my next move....stay or leave??

It has been difficult for me as well. You trust that things will change, start to trust and then bam something else surfaces. It’s seems like it never ends and has caused a lot of damage in my marriage. Never thought to check into these massages sites. Guess I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing that too. I’m not shocked at anything anymore and feel numb at this point.

You do need to let go, find someone that is honest and committed to you, no secrets. It was shocking to me finding out how many married men stray with other men behind there wives back. Was a real wake up call. I guess I’m just old fashion and believed our love and commitment was truly valued by both of us. So many lies, over and over, exhausting. Good luck to you! Get tested, I did and was ok thank God. Put yourself first and believe that the right man is out there for you.

Are you still with your husband? If he's still keeping secrets he's not going to change and you need to either accept that he's going to keep doing what he's doing or find the strength to leave. I left my guy. We went to therapy and through our discussions there, I found out more lies. No matter what he says, his actions speak louder. He's a consummate liar because he can't admit to anyone, especially himself, that he's attracted to other men. I fear your guy may be just like mine as our stories are so similar. Take care of yourself. Take care of your heart.