So... it's sort of difficult for me to talk about this, but... I literally made this account today just so I could get this out there and then be done with the whole mess. I don't know. I think... I just want to see if there's anyone else like me out there going through a similar issue...

I lived in the South for 18 years of my life (I'm 21 years old, now), and now that I've had some time away from my hometown I've slowly come to realize that though I was openly bisexual in highschool, then and now I harbor a LOT of internalized homophobia that I've yet to fully... deal with. To clarify: I'm totally cool with and actively support other people being part of the LGBTQ+ community, but nowadays I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I'm attracted to other women and I feel like I don't quite "fit in" per se with most LGBTQ+ young adults my age because of this.

For a bit of background... I lived in the South (specifically semi-rural Oklahoma) for a little over 18 years of my life, but moved up to Illinois in 2016 (shortly after I graduated High School) so I could get a better education than what was available within 100 miles of where I used to live. While I lived in Oklahoma, many people I knew (including friends and immediate relatives) would regularly use gay slurs against other LGBTQ+ people and treat them as if they were demons or otherwise disgusting perverts. Even my own father and grandmother would talk about these people with mingled disgust and condescension even though they knew that I was bisexual. Even though they'd never address me in such terms, they always talked about other gays this way and... I don't know... I'm starting to realize that hearing those things when I was growing up negatively impacted my ability to love and accept myself because when I think of being in love with or someday marrying or dating another woman, all I can think about is coming home to my parents or grandparents and them condemning me for it.

Sure, three years is a long time and people can grow and change for the better in such a length of time, but... even though they've slowly started to accept my sexuality and be more tolerant of LGBTQ+ people around them, I'm worried that it's all an act and someday they'll turn on me again. In particular, my grandmother worries me the most because I recall her telling me repeatedly growing up that "Gay people are going to Hell if they don't pray to God and change their ways," but when I came out to her and told her to her face one day that I was bisexual in an act of open rebellion to her misguided doctrine of Christianity, she suddenly changed her tune like "Oh, they're going to Hell but you're not because I love you," or some stupid shit like that. Even today, she continually misgenders my transgender brother, too, calling him by female pronouns instead of male pronouns. So I know she hasn't really changed her ways, despite her claims to the contrary.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... How on Earth can I start to love and accept myself now that I'm finally out of that toxic environment?