Bisexuality Support Group
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of both their own and the opposite gender or sex. Most bisexuals are not equally attracted to men and women, and may even shift between states of finding either sex exclusively attractive over the course of time.
Okay, here's the thing. I basically went on here as a last resort. Right now, there really isn't anyone I can talk to about this problem, but I just don't know what to do.
A little backstory: I'm going to try and keep names and locations censored
I am a male 16 year old, and I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual (at least that's what I want to believe).
I go to an arts school for violin and I've been going for 3 years as a high schooler. Last year, an old middle school friend (let's call him Stephen) auditioned and got in. He started the second term. It was nice having him there but I don't really remember us two being very close. We go to the same high school and around noon we would all get on a bus that would take us downtown to our second magnet school. Most of the time, he would keep to himself, listen to music in the back of the bus and not really talk to anyone. I made a few attempts at conversation, but they never really went anywhere.
The beginning of the school year brought on a tragedy. One of the students that attended the same arts school as we both did committed suicide. I never really talked to him, but apparently him and Stephen were friends. After we found out, they had canceled classes for the day, we all just milled around the hallways not really knowing what to do.
I remember seeing Stephen slouched against the wall at the end of the hallway and it was obvious he was crying. I put a hand on his shoulder and we locked eyes. Neither of us said anything as we pulled each other into a tight hug. I can't forget the sorrow I felt for him as his body was wracked with sobs and the shoulder of my t-shirt became soaked with tears. He was in pain. At that moment did I realize all the crap he suffered through when we knew each other in middle school. How girls used to toy with his emotions and his having domestic problems at home and how he found himself taking in the comfort in the world of drugs. I can't remember how long we stood there, both of us crying for two separate reasons: him for his loss, and I for his despair. In that moment, our friendship solidified like never before.
The days followed with more tears and embraces from friends. The more we suffered through, the closer we became, me and Stephen. This was 2 months ago. Now, we maintain a very close relationship. He sits with me on the bus, he playfully messes with my hair and gives me random hugs and I do the same thing. We check in on each other if any of us are sick, we buy each other some food from the local 7-11 if one of us is having a bad day, and occasionally throw in a sexual euphemism every now and then. Herein lies the problem.
As I said before, I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I slowly found myself becoming more and more attracted to him, and God did I hate myself for it. The last thing I wanted to do was fall in love with my best friend. Its getting ridiculous. I remember when he told me that he hooked up with one of the girls at our school, I felt sorrow and even jealous, but I told him I was happy for him, which I was all the same. I find myself getting jealous every time he hugs someone that isn't me and its even gotten to the point where my day is affected if he is absent from school, like I can't live a day independently anymore. All day, all I want is to be on that bus with him, see his smiling face and have him by my side and him just being...there. He wouldn't even have to say anything, I would just take comfort in the fact that he was sitting there next to me.
What can I do? I know if I tell him how I feel, things will never be the same between us, and I'm living with the grief that I know that we love each other in a best friend kind of way and I catch myself wishing for more than just that. I feel shut up and I'm just going to have to live with the fact that all we can be is just best friends.
A little backstory: I'm going to try and keep names and locations censored
I am a male 16 year old, and I've been struggling with my sexuality for quite a long time. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual (at least that's what I want to believe).
I go to an arts school for violin and I've been going for 3 years as a high schooler. Last year, an old middle school friend (let's call him Stephen) auditioned and got in. He started the second term. It was nice having him there but I don't really remember us two being very close. We go to the same high school and around noon we would all get on a bus that would take us downtown to our second magnet school. Most of the time, he would keep to himself, listen to music in the back of the bus and not really talk to anyone. I made a few attempts at conversation, but they never really went anywhere.
The beginning of the school year brought on a tragedy. One of the students that attended the same arts school as we both did committed suicide. I never really talked to him, but apparently him and Stephen were friends. After we found out, they had canceled classes for the day, we all just milled around the hallways not really knowing what to do.
I remember seeing Stephen slouched against the wall at the end of the hallway and it was obvious he was crying. I put a hand on his shoulder and we locked eyes. Neither of us said anything as we pulled each other into a tight hug. I can't forget the sorrow I felt for him as his body was wracked with sobs and the shoulder of my t-shirt became soaked with tears. He was in pain. At that moment did I realize all the crap he suffered through when we knew each other in middle school. How girls used to toy with his emotions and his having domestic problems at home and how he found himself taking in the comfort in the world of drugs. I can't remember how long we stood there, both of us crying for two separate reasons: him for his loss, and I for his despair. In that moment, our friendship solidified like never before.
The days followed with more tears and embraces from friends. The more we suffered through, the closer we became, me and Stephen. This was 2 months ago. Now, we maintain a very close relationship. He sits with me on the bus, he playfully messes with my hair and gives me random hugs and I do the same thing. We check in on each other if any of us are sick, we buy each other some food from the local 7-11 if one of us is having a bad day, and occasionally throw in a sexual euphemism every now and then. Herein lies the problem.
As I said before, I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. I slowly found myself becoming more and more attracted to him, and God did I hate myself for it. The last thing I wanted to do was fall in love with my best friend. Its getting ridiculous. I remember when he told me that he hooked up with one of the girls at our school, I felt sorrow and even jealous, but I told him I was happy for him, which I was all the same. I find myself getting jealous every time he hugs someone that isn't me and its even gotten to the point where my day is affected if he is absent from school, like I can't live a day independently anymore. All day, all I want is to be on that bus with him, see his smiling face and have him by my side and him just being...there. He wouldn't even have to say anything, I would just take comfort in the fact that he was sitting there next to me.
What can I do? I know if I tell him how I feel, things will never be the same between us, and I'm living with the grief that I know that we love each other in a best friend kind of way and I catch myself wishing for more than just that. I feel shut up and I'm just going to have to live with the fact that all we can be is just best friends.
I understand the feelings of jealousy. The emptiness when he's not around. The only advice I have on this is to find a measure of peace within yourself. Establish personal goals. What is it you want out of this relationship *right now*? If you want him as a boyfriend and don't want to give it a waiting period, then you've gotta decide if it's a case of "love or nothing". If it is, then tell him and let the pieces fall where they may. You may lose a friend. If his friendship is more important, it can give you the strength to wait. Come up with a mantra, a bit of self-talk that reminds you what your goal is, what you've decided. Write it down if you have to. When you're having a hard time, use it to remind yourself of your resolutions, reasons, and values. Use it to focus yourself when you're feeling emotional.
I regularly use a mantra to center myself. At one point, it was so complex and important to me that I made it into a card for my wallet to be pulled out as guidance when things were particularly tough. When you're emotional, it helps to have something to remind you what you were thinking when you were thinking more clearly.
Good luck!