Not a lot to say. Title speaks for itself. I was going to kill myself last night and fell asleep listening to Alice in Chains instead, trying to 'psych' myself up for it, I guess. Well it had the opposite effect, Layne Staley's voice soothed my soul a bit, I guess. But I remember feeling like something inside me was already dead, and all I had to do now was make my body... the same. And I just kind of stood in the doorway of my closet for a while before hopping in bed and listening to Alice because it was cold.

Come to think of it, every time I've seriously planned a suicide (my last serious attempt was 4 years ago, about, 2011) I haven't gone through with it for some completely fucking stupid reason, usually being immobilized by depression, heaviness in my limbs, and I wind up too exhausted to even get out of bed to do anything at all.

This morning though I'm sort of... Detached from the close call, I guess. I feel pretty much fine. It discourages me from really doing anything because I feel like I don't need help, now.

Though this is probably the most extreme rapid-cycling depression I've ever had.

On an off note I went to pick up a prescription and there were.... a bunch of other tablets mixed in that weren't mine? I looked them up and they were Estrogen pills????? Someone's returning them for me right now but for a second I thought about keeping them. Sounds pretty stupid (probably not unlike the rest of this) but I thought maybe they'd make my face more feminine, and tweaking my appearance with either estrogen or testosterone are both things I've considered to combat some of my gender discomfort. Because it's not strong or persistent enough to call 'dysphoria' really, though it has been, and I've considered various forms of elective surgery and body modifications beyond just tattoos and piercings since I was maybe 13.

Anyways I'm not sure I'm rambling about this with no bottom-line. Guess I'm just a ramblin' man without a plan, heh.