Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
so its me again, a few may remember me. ive always turned to this board in times of need because as some of you may know there are few people for me to turn to.
im on my summer break. i finished my alevels and feel they went okay, could have gone better but i was distracted and stressed and resistant.
this summer is so long and winding i feel like ive just been abandoned to sit with my mind, stale and bored.
there is not much i can do to entertain myself, any money i have goes on keeping myself alive and food is so expensive. i havent seen my friends in a month because i have been too poor to afford the bus. its okay though i have been saving to go to a music festival and this is happening in 2 weeks. then i go to university.
anyway.
my mum moved out a year and a half ago and circumstances mean she is going to have to move back.
she told me today she cannot live with me because she never knows how i am going to be towards her, and i never know how i am going to feel about her either.
i feel like ive got a huge ball of frustrated irritation and impatience knotted up inside me and it seeps out with huffs and puffs and moans and fuck sakes.
it doesnt seem to matter how i hard i try to calm myself because there is never any apparent reason for this, it just COMES .
it really gets me down because i dont want to be angry and mean.
but i cant help it everyone around me pisses me off, they say things wrong, they chat pure and utter shit, they do pointless things, they boss me around, they think they are good but they are not. if im honest, quite shamefully i feel like i am too good to be around my family. i dont want to know them i dont want to live with my mum.
i dont want to be controlled and im gasping for independence where i can be one of those daughters who only comes home at christmas and birthdays.
she screamed at me down the street as she drove away that i need to take the medication previously prescribed to me (prozac) "to help balance me out".
only it doesnt do that
it makes it worse because it only makes me feel so good that i dont need to take it anymore and then i crash and i cant see and im blinded with hatred, denial and above all stupidity.
i have been diagnosed with Borderline PD.
i am resistant to this diagnosis and i have cut off all contact with psychiatric services because they are quite frankly a fucking joke.
i dont want to go back to the people i went back to before they made me feel wrong, inherently back to front and inside out.
they made me feel like less of a human they made me feel so shit. i cant go back to that place and i utterly refuse.
i dont know what to do i am going to university soon i could see if i could get referred to a psych over in england because they may be better than the ones here in wales.
i hate this i hate this i hate this
its been so many years and every single day i have battled to avoid feeling like a person with a mental illness. i have denied it i have tried not to obsess and make it a part of my life because i dont want it to be. i dont want to put chemicals into my body that alter who i am.
my personality is disordered i find this the most offensive statement i have ever heard., i dont believe it.
besides which i dont even meet the criteria and i have only been put into the category because i am 19, i am female and i was abused.
i find it so hard to express myself when i with otheres, i feel like i cannot properly say what i want or what i mean because i worry i will offend them and make them angry because most of my family is overly sensitive.
i feel like ive detached myself away from people who love me because i am such an angry, messed up ball of confusion that i dont want them to catch it.
id rather hate them and be miserable than let them tell me what to do and what i have done wrong.
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE.
im on my summer break. i finished my alevels and feel they went okay, could have gone better but i was distracted and stressed and resistant.
this summer is so long and winding i feel like ive just been abandoned to sit with my mind, stale and bored.
there is not much i can do to entertain myself, any money i have goes on keeping myself alive and food is so expensive. i havent seen my friends in a month because i have been too poor to afford the bus. its okay though i have been saving to go to a music festival and this is happening in 2 weeks. then i go to university.
anyway.
my mum moved out a year and a half ago and circumstances mean she is going to have to move back.
she told me today she cannot live with me because she never knows how i am going to be towards her, and i never know how i am going to feel about her either.
i feel like ive got a huge ball of frustrated irritation and impatience knotted up inside me and it seeps out with huffs and puffs and moans and fuck sakes.
it doesnt seem to matter how i hard i try to calm myself because there is never any apparent reason for this, it just COMES .
it really gets me down because i dont want to be angry and mean.
but i cant help it everyone around me pisses me off, they say things wrong, they chat pure and utter shit, they do pointless things, they boss me around, they think they are good but they are not. if im honest, quite shamefully i feel like i am too good to be around my family. i dont want to know them i dont want to live with my mum.
i dont want to be controlled and im gasping for independence where i can be one of those daughters who only comes home at christmas and birthdays.
she screamed at me down the street as she drove away that i need to take the medication previously prescribed to me (prozac) "to help balance me out".
only it doesnt do that
it makes it worse because it only makes me feel so good that i dont need to take it anymore and then i crash and i cant see and im blinded with hatred, denial and above all stupidity.
i have been diagnosed with Borderline PD.
i am resistant to this diagnosis and i have cut off all contact with psychiatric services because they are quite frankly a fucking joke.
i dont want to go back to the people i went back to before they made me feel wrong, inherently back to front and inside out.
they made me feel like less of a human they made me feel so shit. i cant go back to that place and i utterly refuse.
i dont know what to do i am going to university soon i could see if i could get referred to a psych over in england because they may be better than the ones here in wales.
i hate this i hate this i hate this
its been so many years and every single day i have battled to avoid feeling like a person with a mental illness. i have denied it i have tried not to obsess and make it a part of my life because i dont want it to be. i dont want to put chemicals into my body that alter who i am.
my personality is disordered i find this the most offensive statement i have ever heard., i dont believe it.
besides which i dont even meet the criteria and i have only been put into the category because i am 19, i am female and i was abused.
i find it so hard to express myself when i with otheres, i feel like i cannot properly say what i want or what i mean because i worry i will offend them and make them angry because most of my family is overly sensitive.
i feel like ive detached myself away from people who love me because i am such an angry, messed up ball of confusion that i dont want them to catch it.
id rather hate them and be miserable than let them tell me what to do and what i have done wrong.
I DONT KNOW ANYMORE.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
Is there some other living arrangement that you can get? Is there a way to build an apartment on the property or somehow at least have a place to go during the day?
For now, don't worry so much about whether or not you are predictable. You are in a place of extreme pain. Make goals for you and your therapist first thing. These goals are imperative for your survival.
Try to remember that you are young. This means that what people throw at you verbally will weigh heavily upon your mind and will seem to carry more significance. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are a bad person or that you are messed up.
At this juncture, your young age means that older folks might not understand your level of maturity and they might be insensitive to your own ideas and such. My daughter goes through this and I went through this. My daughter tries to be iron tough because and no nonsense because she knows that people often disrespect young ones. I have learned NOT to disrespect young ones because of my experiences and because Millenials are so bright.
After the long periods of pain and suffering, you hit bottom. When you do so, ideas will come bubbling up out of the mess. These ideas should be constructive in nature. The feelings you get you need to write down.
Contrary to popular belief, it is MY OPINION and I consider myself somewhat of an experienced person in this that indeed, the smarter and more aware of the folks of the borderline category DO INDEED have an inner core. This core is highly important to your well being. This core will tell you what to do in a constructive and positive manner.
It is okay to be away from folks for awhile. IT is important to learn assertiveness skills and boundaries and to clearly state what you need.
I will make a pact with you that I will not give up if you will not give up. Try to remember that you are you and that is okay.
Lastly, may I suggest that we look at Cat for a moment, my daughter. Cat went through boyfriend after boyfriend and tried out lifestyles and denominations as if she were trying on hats. What I learned from this was that she was trying to find herself. She finally settled for the Navy.
The point is not that you are a loser. The point is that you need to learn to live with who you are and accept you for you. The WORLD and relatives might tell you that you have this fault or that fault. These faults will fall by the wayside as you figure your way through the world.
Eventually, you will find a direction.
I have progressed to a state where I have a basic idea of who I am politically, in religion and in terms of ability and calling. Now, I have the arduous task of learning how to deal with mean-spiritedness, hardship and work conflicts.
Living will at some point become very important to you and you will figure out that it is not entirely you that exhibits bad behaviors. As you develop, certain views and ideas will change. You will have one view and then you will test the view and then you will find something that rests between your opinion and reality.
Sometimes, you might find a subject too difficult to know what to do with. Some questions may not have answers. And life is a journey as well.
We cannot give up as much as we want to. We must press forward. The solution will appear somewhere.
Indeed, mental health services can be a joke. I don't have ANY idea why ALSO we find that young ones go through b.s. at the mental health office, but they do. Lunkheads whether in the US or Britain don't seem to understand that hey--these folks are GROWN to a certain extent--young, but grown. You KNOW what is happening to you and you KNOW how to handle it but idiots won't listen.
Make sure that you know your rights as a person and don't let the mental health system run all over you. It's good to have meds. It is good to have a doctor. All of that is great. What is not good is to have doctors running all over you and making you miserable. Stand up for your rights.
And indeed, I apologize if I got too sterotypical. I don't know what to say about the borderline thing. In your case, it may just be post traumatic stress disorder. There is a body of people who say that borderline is a modern psychiatric way of discriminating against the nature of women. It might be possibly that in some ways this is a throwback to the old days when women were said to be "hysterical."
As society gets more complex, issues of gender and identity also get more complex. This is when, indeed, the Gita comes in handy. Just like a sculptor knows that in the tree or in the stone, a scultpure will come out, so with all of us the form is within us. We know that form but are asleep as to its ways and its feel. The world, society, family and roles all keep us from that identity.
Whatever something is or whatever the mental health professionals say, it is imperative that you not take too much stock (as I have) in pathologies. It is important to form your habits, your limitations, your achievements, your lifestyle and your being around your karmic make up--as you are who you are who you are, and try to say
"I'm Mushroom (whatever your name might be) and not x, y or z."
I have problems just saying "I'm just Cate" but I am getting there. I draw less diagrams these days as I come to know more fully who I am in basic terms.
I know how it is to struggle with being different. I see this with my son who is so precious. I cry over his situation daily. Somehow, though, my HUSBAND and my mother in law have found themselves--have carved out for themselves a place in the world.
For some, the strong and independent spirit is the way to go. It leads. My daughter and a friend of mine, Sue are that type. They go forward strongly. They have had to struggle over negligence, over abuse and over the darkest nights of the soul to get to where they are.
I'm not as lucky as they are but slowly I am becoming more capable of independent thought.
Take your place, as a Millenial amongst one of the brightest and most sophisticated generations in history--a generation that is aware, that is engaged, that is caring of the world and who is technically saavy and do not go gently into that good night.
Second...If you can't deal with it now, it will be there later.I had borderline when I was 16, 22 and now again at middle age. A PD is stubborn. It is deeply ingrained....change is not only difficult, but terrifying and feels life threatening.
It is the life threatening part of BPD that disturbs me. It can be for some. Like you said, Paxil makes it worse.
last, most important, having a pd is not your fault. It is beyond your control....except for learning new techniques with help...like mindfulness, meditation,DBT, etc. Talk therapy can help, but you have to be willing to talk.
I hope you find some decent people you can connect with. Therapy for many of us is a process of re,-parenting and learning to self parent...be the parent we lacked earlyvon.
((hugs)) & welcome back...home? :-)
only i dont have a bpd.
that is the problem.
the problem is there is no answer, for anyone really.
the problem is i dont not want to pathologicalise myself. i think
ordinary human experiences and emotions are so readily pushed into boxes and categories that health care "professionals" too often lack the humanity to treat their patients like humans.
my old pdoc telling me that i had a textbook case of bpd after reading notes from when i was hospitalised for 18months from the ages of 14-16. i spent 30 minutes with this woman. that is not enough time to get to know somebody, not nearly enough time to evaluate somebodies psychological health.
not even taking into account my CURRENT situation.
without even explaining what it was. total disregard for the penetrating insulting label she had just so readily attached to my name, like a black mark against my identity.
i know who i am. i have found myself i am quite aware. i dont have an identity disturbance the only disturbance i have with my identity has been caused through the diagnosis.
i dont have unstable relationships i have a group of strong friends, of which i find i am the one offering more support than they ever need to offer me.
i am a person who is intelligent and analytical. i can seem withdrawn in the comfort of my own home however when i am socializing i come alive with the other side of me that is genuine and real. i am confident. i make friends easily and i enjoy meeting new people.
i have huge dreams and aspirations and i am achieving them.
i have achieved so much despite my situation i have never sat back and wallowed in self despair.
these strengths that i have fully grown into, tell me that i am categorically i young woman with a personality disorder rather a person who has been squeezed into this because it is easy.
i feel that the way i am currently feeling is due to this huge frustration.
the frustration of being told who you are and what you are about when infact i am quite the contrary.
I am charming, analytical and quite capable in many respects.
Getting any MI diagnosis is disturbing. People with MI also Deny that anything is wrong with their minds. It impeeds their treatment
cheers to you, m'mush.
if your alone, in misery, questioning your existence and struggling with your feelings, perhaps,
maybe,
there is pathology.
nobody here is into trying to be a pathologized piece of shite and dissecting it forall to admire.
your reply hurts. but I'm borderline...so that is expected, lol.
we want to get better just like you.
you have a choice to make.
Maybe your not Borderline.
There is even a set of PeD that occur before Parkinson's disease starts.
It is brain chemistry and early, early conditioning...it is complicated because it is so all encompassing. It pissed me off....totally.
Try getting treatment and therapy for symptoms and problems. Table diagnosis for a later time. I refused to discuss it fo a while. Tell them you don't want to discuss diagnosis but might later.
Just get help. xo
only it doesnt do that it makes it worse because it only makes me feel so good that i dont need to take it anymore and then i crash"
That's certainly an indicator of bipolar
"i dont know what to do i am going to university soon i could see if i could get referred to a psych over in england because they may be better than the ones here in wales. "
I think I suggested that maybe a year ago - you are now just a few months away from being able to do that. Try and hold on as best you can. You may be able to get a referal from the university, I don't know how they do things these days.
Do you know where you are going? as in which town?
anyway, nearly there now, nearly at the point where you can get away from your family and get somewhere where people may listen better.
nothing i said was aimed at anyone.
curiousssssssssss
it is not long now ! i went today to visit the city - BATH,
so pretty. so lovely. i am so excited and looking forward to the future now hoping that these dismal days can be put behind me, forever.
thanks for the support again
I think you will get better mental healthcare there.