Well, I hope you find that program helpful

very difficult when lose sight of help, I sympathise. Sometimes it's like having to make leap of faith, to hold on & not give in to despair & trust that things can & will change, with perseverance.

If you were drinking during the duration of your meds treatments,that could account for many of the meds not working.

Now that you are clean and sober(?) and stay that way,you may have better luck re-trying the meds again.

Good for you ,in stopping the drinking,it's never a good idea to drink while on meds in anyway shape or form.....I suggest you go through a reevaluation with your Pdoc,and start fresh

Were you drinking last time you went through the program hon? I have felt as if there was any hope for my life before. I had to find something to hold on for. In my case, it was my kids and the rest of my immediate family. Find something to hold on for and hold onto it for dear life because that may be what it hinges on before it gets better for you honey. It will get better though!! Big hugs!!

"What if" is a very dangerous game to play. We have to keep at it and expect successes and failures. Sometimes we get as far as we can go then have to decide if that's good enough.
But don't lose hope. Hope makes everything possible.

I understand your last question very well.

I turn to my faith or look at my children. Maybe you don't have either of those particular two, but it is good to find something as an anchor when we feel we have no hope.

When I was at my university, I didn't have either of the two I just mentioned.

Do you know what did it for me one time?

I made an A on a Language Arts paper. Honestly, I figured if that was possible-I ought to stick around for awhile.

An anchor can be anything. I guess you could even make one. For example, I want to read the bible before I die. That should keep me busy.

Maybe even start a craft or hobby.

I started with plants, shrubs, and trees a few years ago. Now I'm also into seeds. It may sound silly, but when those little green anything pops out of the pot it's a special moment.

There are all kinds of seeds for sale now. You could have vegetable, flowers or herbs. I'm doing a little of all three. I'm doing herbs as presents to people who have been kind to me and vegetables for my family.

Good luck dear!
T

No, the last time I was in the program I was in for dual diagnosis, and was not drinking. This was back in September.
I am so scared, that I might just be "broken," and that this is as good as it gets. I have about a month that I can take off of work, and I feel so much pressure to get better. I need to be in top form for work, I need to be able to concentrate, and think, and remember...none of which I can do right now. I need to not require 12+ hours a sleep at night in order to function, and naps all day. The racing thoughts need to stop. I feel like someone is screaming in my ear all day long, words and songs repeating incessantly. My ears are ringing. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, going down a hill at breakneck speed...My mind is a blur and a blank all at once. I'm so scared.

oh 'broken' - relate to that..think that's just negative voice of this illness? such corrosive, insistent & defeating ideas?

I understand that your work is important to you. Please try not to think about all the things you need to be able to do and just focus on one day at a time.

You said you had some time off from work. Please try to not think about how much or where you think you need to be.

Please try one day at a time. Obviously we have to think of the future sometimes. For this moment and time try one day at a time.

Hugs,
T

Thank you for your responses and encouragement. I am trying to fight the negative voice. I'm just not feeling very strong today.
Lately, I stay alive for my cats. They are all I have.

Cats are a perfect anchor!

Hugs,
T

I have had this illness my self for some 20plus years, and I know what your going through. I am amazed that you have been able to do all that you was doing. So first of all, I would say give yourself some credit and go easy on yourself. You did not ask for this illness yourself. I know how you feel though, I was scared to death for my kids, you see, my brother did take his life and that was before we knew about bipolar disorder. Or that it ran in my family a long way back. We knew that suicide ran way back, we had a lot of them but did not know why. At least w me going to college, we found out why, there was so many suicides and that bipolar has been in our family for years, I was just the first one diagnosed w it. So, I am grateful, that I was smart enough to raise my kids knowing what it is and what they should look out for. There is a really good book that is real easy to read, called THE BIPOLAR HANDBOOK by Wes Burguess MD PHD, and it addresses every question asked by his patients for over a ten year period with short paragrhphs to answer them. And it is only 15dollars at books a million and you can also order it over the internet. I love it. Because it reminded me of things that I had forgotten. Another good one is "An Unquite Mind" by Kay Redifield Janison who not only is the author but is bipolar herself. I hope some of this helps you. Good luck and God Bless. Kase@DS

If you can still work now, you are doing a LOT better than I am. I haven't been able to work for almost 3 years now.........NONE of my doctors or therapists even HINT that I try and work. I know your struggles are tough, but even I have to look at the fact that it COULD be MUCH worse than it is now. Do everything you can to survive and maybe some day we all will see the cure that eludes us. Good luck, and keep up the good fight.

I hope I don't seem like I am just feeling sorry for myself. I just feel like my whole life is just slipping through my fingers. In my worst nightmare, I never thought I would be experiencing this...this strongly, still.