I can't find the right place to type this. I can't find the right group to share my story. I suppose, seeing as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which some doctors have claimed could be bipolar disorder, I could say it here. I just hope someone can understand.

I don't know what to do. I have noone else to talk to.

5 years ago I had a college professor that really seemed to take an interest in me. He was kind and interesting. I would see him with a slew of girls in his office all the time so I didn't think my hanging around would be strange. But it became more than just friendly advice on writing or the classwork. He would email me. Text me. Call me. We would get lunch. We would start shutting ourselves into his office alone and he would hold me and kiss my head. I felt like I found one person I could trust and depend on. I had such a miserable home life and he became everything to me. I tried to ignore what was happening between us until he confessed he was in love with me. We soon began a strained relationship that involved an emotional dependency that was so strong that when his wife found out about us and I was no longer allowed to see him, it destroyed my whole world. He told me he was going to check himself into a mental health hospital because he wanted to kill himself. I became so devastated that i dropped out ofclass. Friends wouldn't talk to me anymore. They all spread rumors about how I slept with him even though it didn't happen. He was my confidant. He was my sun. And I was a young naive girl. He called me everyday for months. Voicemails pleading for me speak to him. Had people asking me to come see him. Another professor found out about this and told the dean he was harassing me and there was some sort of disciplinary hearing which I never found out the result. Soon after this i dropped out of college completely and I never talked to him again. I think of him so often that my heart still feels broken after all this time. I feel guilty and responsible and all I want to do is walk up to him and tell him I'm sorry. Years later I learned that I may have bipolar disorder and certain aspects of my dependency on him became clear. I was in an extremely manic state during our relationship. He was my drug and the end of it crushed me, which led to a severe and suicidal depression. Being more stable now than I have been in years has me thinking it over with some clarity.

My mind is unwell. I hate myself for this.