**VERY HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING**

(also not going in Crisis Center because I'm not a danger to myself right now)

**also disclaimer that I rapid-cycle and go from being a happy-ass to wanting to end it all and that while this is basically my everyday personality and everyday lifestyle, I haven't actually seriously tried in I'm not certain how long**

**last trigger-warning for somewhat graphic descriptions described nonchalantly because I'm the world's worst judge of what sounds fucked-up and what doesn't

*and a disclaimer that if you are anybody but me and suicidal I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU GET HELP

This is the "ok cool dude I get it" skip-ahead point. Anyways.

Earlier today I tried to hang myself in my closet with one of those little stud belts from Hot Topic. I can't explain what pushed me to do it this time, I've strung it up, put my head into the noose section, and just stood there testing the waters for a while before talking it down many, many times before this.

My mother and I were arguing about I can't remember exactly what. It's probably a good time to mention that I started my menstrual cycle today and so my hormones are probably way stronger than normal, and making me act erratic

I had a feeling of "This (physical/mental pain) will never end. Okay. This is it."

And that I needed to go ahead and do it without putting much thought into it before I backed out yet AGAIN,

So I think of an excuse to go into my room, shut my door, knock all my clothes hangers off the closet shelf bar thing to make room, convert said belt into a noose and string it up (I won't detail this because I don't want to give anybody bad ideas), scrawl "Why? Why not." on the closet wall in pencil because I don't feel like writing out one've my usual explanation manifestos in my notebook but felt kind of stupid doing this 20 minutes after texting some friends in my usual absurdist humor joking manner,

Text 2 out of my 4 best friends, "I love you, thank you for being a great friend to me for all these years, take care." Get on facebook and tell my crush (who is turning into a much closer friend) that I love her, but in retrospect it didn't startle her *thank god* because we say "I love you" to each other all the time anyway, sometimes randomly.

And that was it. I stepped into my contraption, had a brief moment of, "Am I really gonna do this?" decided that yes, now or never, jumped, didn't die but felt the blood vessels in my eyes, head, and neck swell, which hurt, and I made this yelp sound I've never heard myself or anybody else make out of shock and pain,

I hear footsteps of my mother coming to see what that was all about,

Decide I have one last chance, try again, and this time my belt actually snaps and breaks. (fucking really? that's not just a movie plot thing?)

It all happened so fast. I was on the closet floor with a broken belt around my neck and my mother staring at me, kind of knowing what I just did but visually confirming it, which was a very long 2 seconds for me to witness,

She says she's locking me away and says, "Selfish, selfish, selfish."

And I just thought, "I just did that because I want a peaceful life and my home life sucks, and you continue to insult me and call me selfish? Don't you think I just tried playing judge, jury, and executioner of myself just now???" (not spoken aloud)

And something inside of me broke and I just wailed for the next maybe 45 minutes about how people successfully commit suicide all the time who could've gone on to live a happy, successful life, and I will never have that and I failed

I was just grieving about how I fucked up my one-way ticket out

And going all Bright Eyes/Hawthorne Heights/Sunny Day Real Estate-esque about how all the good ones die and my stupid ass is still here

(It sounds disgustingly melodramatic as I recount it now, I'm sure some of you are understandably rolling your eyes, but I felt at the time what I can only describe as genuine grief over what a fucking tragedy that is to me, and if not about me, that so many of the good ones DO die)

And (let's remember that I float between agnostic and atheist, but definitely never abrahamic religion) I started wailing about how god hates me and my mother (who's quietly Christian) said, "He loves you, that's why you're still here."

And I took a whole bunch of (non-lethal doses) of medicine because I just wanted to go to sleep, I was so embarrassed that that'd just failed

And I felt like shit anyways and deeply craved a sense of peaceful normalcy more than ever, and over-medicating (Which I only seriously do when I'm under serious duress) was the only thing I could think of.

But I got uncomfortably sedated, so i forced myself to wake up and eat something, which made me to where I could comfortably sleep.

And I just woke back up. And my mother and I started fighting again over my bad mental health the second I walked into her bedroom to get my "morning meds" (omeprazole for acid reflux, tylenol and some other shit for unusually bad menstrual cramps, just random stuff, shouldn't have been a big deal).

And regret sunk back in so I took a little bit of valium and I'm alright now,

But yesterday I had to argue with my mother for about an hour to get her to not call the police on me because in the States (and Georgia in particular recently) police literally shoot mentally ill people dead on-site, and even if they safely apprehended me, they'd just drag me to Georgia Regional which everybody knows is a hellhole.

So (I guess let me wrap it up and get to the point) my compromise with her yesterday was for me to get some sleep and go to my local Crisis Stabilization Unit TODAY.

Today. (Thursday) I don't want to and they're not usually helpful so I dunno if I should. I guess I should do it. I'm not partial.

So it'll probably either be that or I'll just- I'm not sure what else I'll do. I'd like to sweep it under the rug, but I know I need help.

I hope I didn't piss any of you off with my attitude. if I could have any other disposition, I would. It's just how my brain handles these things.

I haven't told a whole bunch of people. My one friend freaked out, but he knows I'm okay now. I messaged m'lady and said "Hey you might want to smoke a blunt or something first but I gotta tell you something, please don't panic" because she's highly intelligent, I mean, way smarter than me, and was in a long-term facility for 2 years and she'll know what to do. The last person I told is my friend Evan because he's a level-headed calm dude and I just kind of felt comfortable enough with him to randomly spill the beans.

I don't want attention, but I want to know how to fix myself without doing anything super drastic, because drastic measures often fail.

So yea. I guess that's that on that. Pardon my outlook on all of this, please.