Trigger warning on this. If hearing others discuss self injury makes you squeamish or "empowered" to try it for yourself, then leave. I don't want to be responsible for putting horrible thoughts into the mind of someone who didn't already have them (unless absolute objectivity can be managed, i.e. if you're in a strong place and not impressionable right at this moment).

Can I just write some things? But I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. I sort of miss cutting. [I guess I'm not "there" yet to where it seems unthinkable] Like, the climactic finale of an evening of self-destructive thoughts.

What I don't miss [most of it]
-the precursor
-the attention
-covering up
-cleaning up
-explanations
-doctors seeing my scars when I was amidst a dysphoric episode, and if psych-eval wasn't called already, they were now
-I did a worse job than I'd set out to
-on the contrary it wasn't enough
-mildly annoying pains the following day after I did not need them

But I miss the adrenaline rush and the being able to sort of "end" the depression episode, the emotional exhaustion and endorphin rush that lead to me passing out on the floor afterwards. The musing over different techniques.

I don't have a weird scar fetish thing, please don't misunderstand... I don't have any justification for this at all actually. I find myself thinking of it often even though I'm not depressed, but without the impulsivity only a manically depressed person can muster, I don't feel justified in carrying it out. If I have time to think, then I know better. Plus I have no idea whether I'd be able to tolerate the shocking graphic nature of it all or the pain if I just felt... Normal.

I haven't though and probably won't. I'm just carrying around this awfully strange obsessive compulsion.

"The reasons all have gone away, but the feelings never did. It's not something I'd recommend, but it is one way to live." -Conor Oberst