Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I'm too tired to write or really talk but I felt this was important. I guess.
[My] Bipolar's taking a turn for the morbid. I think I'll just provide an example as insight rather than a description and you can take from it what you want or will anyways.
I was in the hospital a couple days back, emergency room for pain that just wouldn't give up or give into any remedy. I'll skip the mundane bits and pieces, but keep in mind I go in with a positive attitude. Not a desperate sense of nave hope in an unpredictable system, but more of a neutral pleasantness and open-ness. A short while after being triage'd and taken back I see the doctor, and he goes to me "All your tests are coming back negative time and time again, I don't think I can help you. There's nothing I can do for you." And something about the "I can't help you, no one [in the emergency medical community] can help you at this point" struck a nerve and I had a mental breakdown. I just sobbed uncontrollably for roughly what felt like an hour, I threw up. Thoughts of doom infiltrated my brain and I felt seriously sentenced to a worthless life, or death.
I cried until my throat was too scratchy and my saliva glands were too dried up to proper breathe, and I went back for my ultrasound [which came up empty, no fibroids or cysts], exhaustion overtook my brain during the process, and the moment that happened the pain was gone. I was cracking jokes again, relating to people, living. I was normal, stable, capable of rational thought and communication. And this isn't my first ER mental break that freaked out nurses.
I... Can only describe this as "tunnel vision depression" and I've only been able to ride out the waves and try to phase out to dissipate the insanity. I was put on Lamictal fifty milligrams today, perhaps there will be some improvement. Maybe this is beyond my control, finally.
Friend-wise, Marnie is helping to keep me alive and sane and safe. She expresses love and kindness towards me even when I am a loose cannon of hate towards myself and the universe. Her spirit is strong and she doesn't show any signs of growing tired of my bullshit, in spirit. It is my inspiration. I've said recently " Evil will not cease until we can learn and grow spiritually and mentally to care about and vulnerably love the insufferables, the unloveables, the unthinkables." If I could apply this internally I believe I would be healed to the point of lifelong being able to deal with the struggle. It is so difficult, but I'm trying, and I don't have the confidence to ask of anyone to pardon my social deficits or depressing episodes, but with Marnie I don't have to.
You have to crowd out the dark with the light. Depression is a fortress and it only takes a couple of cracks with a force behind them to break the wall. "Feed one [light and truth], starve the other [depression]."
But it's hard to apply my philosophical insight to a tunnel-vision, self destruction-motivated mindset.
[My] Bipolar's taking a turn for the morbid. I think I'll just provide an example as insight rather than a description and you can take from it what you want or will anyways.
I was in the hospital a couple days back, emergency room for pain that just wouldn't give up or give into any remedy. I'll skip the mundane bits and pieces, but keep in mind I go in with a positive attitude. Not a desperate sense of nave hope in an unpredictable system, but more of a neutral pleasantness and open-ness. A short while after being triage'd and taken back I see the doctor, and he goes to me "All your tests are coming back negative time and time again, I don't think I can help you. There's nothing I can do for you." And something about the "I can't help you, no one [in the emergency medical community] can help you at this point" struck a nerve and I had a mental breakdown. I just sobbed uncontrollably for roughly what felt like an hour, I threw up. Thoughts of doom infiltrated my brain and I felt seriously sentenced to a worthless life, or death.
I cried until my throat was too scratchy and my saliva glands were too dried up to proper breathe, and I went back for my ultrasound [which came up empty, no fibroids or cysts], exhaustion overtook my brain during the process, and the moment that happened the pain was gone. I was cracking jokes again, relating to people, living. I was normal, stable, capable of rational thought and communication. And this isn't my first ER mental break that freaked out nurses.
I... Can only describe this as "tunnel vision depression" and I've only been able to ride out the waves and try to phase out to dissipate the insanity. I was put on Lamictal fifty milligrams today, perhaps there will be some improvement. Maybe this is beyond my control, finally.
Friend-wise, Marnie is helping to keep me alive and sane and safe. She expresses love and kindness towards me even when I am a loose cannon of hate towards myself and the universe. Her spirit is strong and she doesn't show any signs of growing tired of my bullshit, in spirit. It is my inspiration. I've said recently " Evil will not cease until we can learn and grow spiritually and mentally to care about and vulnerably love the insufferables, the unloveables, the unthinkables." If I could apply this internally I believe I would be healed to the point of lifelong being able to deal with the struggle. It is so difficult, but I'm trying, and I don't have the confidence to ask of anyone to pardon my social deficits or depressing episodes, but with Marnie I don't have to.
You have to crowd out the dark with the light. Depression is a fortress and it only takes a couple of cracks with a force behind them to break the wall. "Feed one [light and truth], starve the other [depression]."
But it's hard to apply my philosophical insight to a tunnel-vision, self destruction-motivated mindset.
I can't stand myself right now, I hate the way I'm thinking and I know there are things to do about it but I just don't have the willpower. Exhausted all the time. Cranky. Ugh.
Hope you feel better soon!
But realize it's not you. It's you under a veil of brain chemical lows and stress and it's affecting you. Hoping you're getting plenty of support. You 'ave my regards and I'm here if ye need me.