You are eccentric! That's one of the reasons we love you! I'm flat out batty some days - I don't fit in with normal people, never have never will. But I really wouldn't want to anyway. And I hear you about your childhood - I also don't know what's real and what's not -- for example, I don't remember my mother BEING a mother until after I was 5. She simply didn't exist. I mean, she WAS there but I have no memory of her. I suffer from PTSD from events that I'm not even sure happened or if I hallucinated them. That's terribly nerve-wracking I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now!

But please PLEASE care for yourself! We all care for you! Why bother? Because it DOES make a difference. Can you remember the last time you felt GOOD? Or even kind of good? Those are the memories that we keep, those are the times that we should remember - like keeping a video diary in our brains and keeping track of our moods to see from an outside perspective that it DOES matter - WE matter. Most importantly, YOU matter.

Not knowing whether your memories are real or fake can be so disturbing. These meds and life's trauma has made it difficult for us to tell the difference re: events in our past. I think everyone - BP'ers, goes through this - it's a form of dissociation.

I'm sending you light and love and hoping you're now sleeping quietly. Sometimes there isn't an instant remedy to our biggest problems, so we need to remember the GOOD and hold on to it. But that doesn't help much in the here and now when you're stuck. I'm pulling you out, iam, and holding on tight! There is light to be seen. I'm sending you out the longest safety rope there is so hold on tight and come on back! Take one moment at a time. Think of the good and hold on tight! Remember that you are so loved!

((((HUGS))))

And never ever feel selfish for venting! It's sometimes what gets us through and it WORKS! Vent away!! I wish there were more I could say -- just hold on tight and you'll come out of the other end of the tunnel - I see ya there!

Iam, I wish I could say something as good as spacekat, but I'm just not that good. I can say though, that I HEAR YOU! I understand where you are coming from, and I have felt the same resigned feeling (read my journal lately?). But I would hate it if you weren't here any more...I look forward to your posts, and our occasional pm's. I love your eccentricity and weirdness :) You have such a personality, and are so fun and bubbly. And I love you when you're down because you're REAL - you're always honest. I hope that you can stop hurting yourself. Lots of ((((hugs))))

*emotional* Ohh, I couldn't say anything that hasn't already been said....just, we're Here. And we Get it. And they're Right. And they Mean every word, iam, just like I do - can you feel it?

Iam, I have felt like the outsider my whole life! I'm eccentric, a weirdo, all that. I think the hardest part about that is people like us are loved and even respected by others but it's not always apparent. It can be confusing. Just continue to Be Yourself, and don't fret about the diagnostic labels trying to define us.

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. Please please know that you are not alone in what you're feeling. I too have memories that I don't know if they are real or not. Mine revolve around people or hallucinations of people that I may or may not have had in my life. Talk about confusing! I have learned to focus on what's in from of me, the Here and Now as they say.

((((((Hugs)))))))

I'm sorry your hurting so much. Don't give up there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to get there, Hang in we all know how you feel.

This is just a thought. Every time you have an urge tell yourself "I love being a non-cutter' and think of what that means, the freedom you enjoy.