I had a fairly good day last Thursday, minus the extreme and unexplained exhaustion I was feeling. I must admit that I feel some amount of resentment towards my housemate mostly because I think she's been rather inconsiderate this past month. We work the same hours in the same office yet I'm responsible for all kitchen activities. This has been going on for almost a month now. I literally make two to three meals a day- before and after work and do all the dishes. From time to time she implies I'm the reason we arrive late for work when I'm usually the one waiting for her. She went as far as to leave me one morning. I'm already struggling to trust her and keep my paranoid thoughts about her at a minimum but it's so hard. Well enough ranting, on to what happened Thursday. We were walking home and I just felt so far removed from the world, like a cardboard cut out, like I didn't belong. I felt like I was glowing. I thought someone was watching me and I could have sworn I heard whispering and then I looked at her and felt this overwhelming sense of grief. I literally had tears in my eyes because I knew if I went home and I made dinner I was going to poison her. I've had thoughts of hurting her very often but this was different. I was as certain about that as I was that I was going to charge my phone and change my clothes. It was so terrifying. My first thought was to find the clinic or just go somewhere, anywhere but a part of me, the stronger part of me, felt she deserved it and wouldn't let me walk away. I knew I had to find some way to stop myself. I got home and went straight to my room and locked myself in. Eventually the feeling wore off but now I'm scared my subconscious might do something about it or that the feeling might come back and I won't be able to stop myself. Especially since she's still being inconsiderate. I'm kinda scared to tell my doc cos I don't want to be locked away though it might be for the best. Sigh. Broken and conflicted.