Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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offbalance 09/01/2009

Tell me, am I the only one who gets so confused about herself regarding her real emotions? Too many times I can't tell the difference between the balanced effects that my meds are having and whether I'm learning to live and becoming a better person. In other words, what's my personality. Right now I've been feeling a little numb, whereas just a few weeks ago I was so full of love. One small change in my dosages turns me around to feeling opposite of what I had been, so then I wonder if I ever even felt the way I wanted to. Aside from my controlling meds, who would I be and what thoughts and emotions are mine, given that it's a good day. Does this make sense to anyone?? how can I tell the difference between who I am and what's coming from the meds and what's coming from bipolar?? any words of advice? -offbalance

deleted_user 09/01/2009

I also have a hard time distinguishing my real emotions from the emotions that my illness inflicts so cruelly upon me. I don't know the answer to your question nor do I have any sageful words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in questioning these things. Many of us do. Hugs.

deleted_user 09/01/2009

I understand what you mean. I am feeling better right now, but is it because I am really getting better (from all my therapy/meditation, positive affirmations, etc), and therefore don't need the meds anymore, or is it the meds that are making me better, and therefore allowing me to make progress in therapy to get even better?

It's the proverbial chicken and the egg story.

And I can totally relate to your wondering what is your "real" personality and what are symptoms of the illness. Sometimes I don't feel like a person at all, just a list of symptoms. All the little quirks that I thought were just my basic personality turned out to be symptoms of mental illnesses! Argh.

Hang in there!

ReginaPhalange 09/01/2009

I suffered with a real numbness and a loss of who I was when I first started on Depakote. We altered the dose slightly and since then I have been a lot better. Have you spoke to your pdoc about possibly changing your meds?

deleted_user 09/01/2009

No - I have trouble distinguishing my emotions from my moods. I suffered a miscarriage this summer and I had to keep checking with others like my therapist, husband, and the miscarriage board to find out if the things I felt were normal grief or if I was depressed. Well now I am depressed, but at first, I was just grieving.

deleted_user 09/01/2009

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I try to tell myself it is all a matter of proportion. Anger: not right if you are planning to kill the one you are angry with. Sadness: not to the point of harming yourself or anyone else. There are limits to normal emotions. It is so hard, I have such sympathy for you. Hugs from me too.

Shelly4 09/01/2009

It takes time to learn to distinguish. I journal everything and it helped me see a pattern. I learned to "feel" who I really was and what might be enhanced by the meds or episodes. I communicated with my family alot and asked what they saw in the changes. There are still times I cant be sure or I question, but it is tremendously different now. I had to develope the person that I am by seeking out the things I loved to do and enjoyed. Good self esteem plays a huge role in discovering who you are and what your personality is truly like. Lots of therapy helped me get her and learning cognitive skills. xo

deleted_user 09/01/2009

I have the same problem. As a matter of fact, in my last manic swing, I ranted for weeks that I didn't know what was "real". It was awful. I cope by believing that the real me is the stable me and that the other people I become with I'm depressed or manic aren't really me. I look at it the same way I look at dual identity disorder. I become someone I'm not. It is still hard, but thinking of it that way is my only coping mechanism.

deleted_user 09/01/2009

Don't ever assume that you can come off meds because you are "healthy". I'm not saying never come off of them. I'm just saying that is not the right reason. Bipolar is a lifelong condition and while therapy may help you manage your disorder without meds, it will probably take a very long time.

ZanyBeeper 09/01/2009

It's all you honey. You are a mixture of these things. You have a personality; it is affected by the bipolar, but the meds try and correct that brain chemical level. Emotionally you are just how you feel with life's normal stresses and then added to the the ups and down of your disease process that makes up how you feel though it is usually a much deeper feeling than that of folks who don't have BP I hope I have said this right and that it touches your heart in some way. Hugs to you.

deleted_user 09/01/2009

But in my case, sometimes I literally hate people that I otherwise love! I take all the little things I don't like about them and roll them into one big hate filled ball! Then I do hateful things because I don't care about them one bit! I can't believe that's the real me.

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