The raving madness of a being conversing between walls and computer screens.

Its been a long time since I have been on here. It seems that I only come on here when I am feeling off. I apologize for my incessant bitching. I apologize to my ds friends for abandoning them for months at a time. I just need to get some words out of my head. It seems like the fog is looming around me once again. I wish I could just sleep forever. My goals in life seem false , and my facade is wearing thin. People always think of me as the "happy go lucky "person in the crowd without knowing what really lies beneath. I feel shallow and cold. Crass and sometimes callow. I don't know what I am supposed to do , it just doesn't seem like it will ever get better. Like this is all my life has to offer. Nothingness. Sometimes I wish I could make it my reality , to sleep forever but I work very hard every day to push through. Its so hard to pretend. Its so hard to act like everything will get better when it doesn't , it never does. To think we are all just dirt in progress , walking dust to be and I want out. I want out so badly but I can't do it. I can't abandon the people who care for me. I know that some of them would never heal and it makes me feel ungrateful and selfish for all the gifts I have. I just wish that it would end sooner than later.