Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I don't know what happened... The lithium suddenly doesn't work at all.
My family's getting together for Thanksgiving. I have such extreme hatred towards them and I know it's just my dissociation because it is literally a small percentage of my overall perception of them magnified and isolated to "all" or "nothing" status. I'm not sure which "me" my family is going to get for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go.
I feel complete emotional detachment where there should be an at-ease, natural connection. (this isn't all the time, just sometimes) What even is this?????
I'm just... trying to lose "sight" of my creepy sociopath alter-ego. And I usually accomplish this by just kind of... Mentally making an effort to actively IGNORE the thoughts going on in my head and not project them into my demeanor (because my affect falls flat), while I use the sensory intake of things my family says and does minus the bias of my dissociation to sort of form a more "normal" interactive demeanor, and if I can do this for several minutes I "forget" about the voice in my head (figuratively speaking) that tells me I hate them.
Is this maybe the beginning stages of some kind of Schizoid disorder, or again, BPD? It's like... Starting to be less of something I feel that's a part of my personality, and more of a voice that tells me what to think and say and blocks my normal reasoning. But not an actual audio-hallucination voice.
I'm starting to become scared of it and fight back with logic and medicine... Why my lithium's suddenly ineffective, I do not know.
I just told my mother (as I have so many times before, before going inpatient 2 weeks ago and the detox and lithium) that I hate my family and really don't want to go to Thanksgiving... Like, she got upset, but I didn't feel guilty. I got defensive, spiteful.
And now I feel guilty but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO APOLOGIZE because I don't know why I just blurted that out, and it's not completely a lie. It's just not as bluntly, blankly, unequivocally true as I just made it seem. I'm reverting back now and feeling guilty and confused and this is usually the part where I mentally collapse and tear up my legs/arms/whatever with some blades I've stashed.
But I... I told John when I got back from viewpoint that I felt as if I never wanted to cut again, and never have wanted to in the first place- a perfectly functional, normal person, and how I was so happy to be free of cutting and suicidal thoughts. And he was so happy for me... SO HAPPY and emotional and he's not an emotional person.
There are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't cut, but that's a big one right now. I need to go back to "recovered me" before "sick me" takes over again.
God, how do I even explain this to anyone, friend, family member, or doctor? I'm such a mess...
What should I do?
I think maybe... go back inpatient to prevent a relapse and avoid my family at the same time. But the mundaneness of inpatient almost numbs my brain into not acting up, so I feel like I'm better, when really I'm just not around any of my usual triggers.
And I'm getting very tired because I'm thinking way too much and I took a couple Vistaril for my anxiety... I might nap and anyway thanks if you've made it this far.
My family's getting together for Thanksgiving. I have such extreme hatred towards them and I know it's just my dissociation because it is literally a small percentage of my overall perception of them magnified and isolated to "all" or "nothing" status. I'm not sure which "me" my family is going to get for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go.
I feel complete emotional detachment where there should be an at-ease, natural connection. (this isn't all the time, just sometimes) What even is this?????
I'm just... trying to lose "sight" of my creepy sociopath alter-ego. And I usually accomplish this by just kind of... Mentally making an effort to actively IGNORE the thoughts going on in my head and not project them into my demeanor (because my affect falls flat), while I use the sensory intake of things my family says and does minus the bias of my dissociation to sort of form a more "normal" interactive demeanor, and if I can do this for several minutes I "forget" about the voice in my head (figuratively speaking) that tells me I hate them.
Is this maybe the beginning stages of some kind of Schizoid disorder, or again, BPD? It's like... Starting to be less of something I feel that's a part of my personality, and more of a voice that tells me what to think and say and blocks my normal reasoning. But not an actual audio-hallucination voice.
I'm starting to become scared of it and fight back with logic and medicine... Why my lithium's suddenly ineffective, I do not know.
I just told my mother (as I have so many times before, before going inpatient 2 weeks ago and the detox and lithium) that I hate my family and really don't want to go to Thanksgiving... Like, she got upset, but I didn't feel guilty. I got defensive, spiteful.
And now I feel guilty but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO APOLOGIZE because I don't know why I just blurted that out, and it's not completely a lie. It's just not as bluntly, blankly, unequivocally true as I just made it seem. I'm reverting back now and feeling guilty and confused and this is usually the part where I mentally collapse and tear up my legs/arms/whatever with some blades I've stashed.
But I... I told John when I got back from viewpoint that I felt as if I never wanted to cut again, and never have wanted to in the first place- a perfectly functional, normal person, and how I was so happy to be free of cutting and suicidal thoughts. And he was so happy for me... SO HAPPY and emotional and he's not an emotional person.
There are a lot of reasons why I shouldn't cut, but that's a big one right now. I need to go back to "recovered me" before "sick me" takes over again.
God, how do I even explain this to anyone, friend, family member, or doctor? I'm such a mess...
What should I do?
I think maybe... go back inpatient to prevent a relapse and avoid my family at the same time. But the mundaneness of inpatient almost numbs my brain into not acting up, so I feel like I'm better, when really I'm just not around any of my usual triggers.
And I'm getting very tired because I'm thinking way too much and I took a couple Vistaril for my anxiety... I might nap and anyway thanks if you've made it this far.
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Which explains the mysterious fevers and my extra fatigue. I'm so glad I pushed for answers.
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Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is.
I think maybe I should talk to a doctor about my meds. Has it ever happened to (any of) you that a low med dose worked great at first, but quickly lost its effect?
I'm on 300 of Lithium twice a day. The nurse practitioner said it's not usually a therapeutic dose, but for a select few it is, and because of the initial results achieved with me, she wouldn't up my dose.
And 100 of Vistaril at night (plus whatever else it takes but shh. usually just an extra tablet or a Benadryl or something) and PRN for anxiety/panic attacks.
I'm scared to death of overdosing on Lithium because it's a nasty business and is irreversible, and can happen on accident pretty easily.
My theory is that if I stay at a safe dose (even if it's not very therapeutic) I'll have more "wiggle room" in case something happens that elevates my blood-lithium levels without me being aware of it.
But see it's not working, so I'll probably need to go up to about what you take, Tommy.
The main thing that raises blood-lithium levels is dehydration. I drink like a 6-pack of water every day (if not more) and don't exert myself too much, plus temperatures right now are bone-chilling cold. I shouldn't be worried, but I am. But Tommy you've been on it for years and haven't accidentally OD'd once, so that gives me some reassurance.
YES. Story of my life with meds! It's such a pain!