(((Hugs Stony)))

Yes you do carry a lot on your shoulders. I don't know what to write because your situation is something I've never experienced. My only thought would be can you get away and study at the library? One needs oxygen to breathe...I'm thinking you've not given yourself oxygen for a very long time....ya know the first thing on a plane, 'give yourself oxygen first, cause you can't help your kid if you are passed out'....so I'd offer, write out what your needs and priorities are...self care, work and college.....I do hope cps is giving therapy and respite for the children, if not I'd look into that!!! Take Good Care!

My thought is your depression is more circumstantial. Because anyone in your place would feel like they are cracking.

Are you in therapy? You sound like you have low self esteem, and it really might help learning to love yourself. I'm sure you are a beautiful woman, so I hope one day you can see that. I felt the same most of my life. I put on a 60th wedding anniversary for my parents in 2008. I was 55. I got my parents wedding picture and put them on display, My mom, I realized, was genuinely beautiful. Well, I look like her. I've been told that all my life, because I do! So if she was beautiful, what did that make me? It sure didn't make me ugly. So, it's still hard to believe it, and I am older, so not as pretty. But, it helped me give up the self loathing.

Finally, I've been in school doing graduate work since 2005 or picking up prerequisites for my PhD. End of semester is always so brutal. Your tired and burned out, and all the final papers and studying are just killers. Given your circumstances, I think it is quite normal to hate the end of semester, with your home life being so bad, with these totally undisciplined kids around disturbing your peace of mind.

I also think that you and your mother should not be under obligation to raise up 4 children, even if they are family. They might be better off in a foster home, where they can get extra support and counselling. I understand there are bad homes, but there are also good ones. My daughter is a social worker in child protective services, and she will only use good homes.

It really isn't fair to you to never get enough sleep, which can also trigger bipolar, and destroys your life, by causing you to miss work and school. You need to talk to a counselor about that, too.

Gentle hug Stony.... I agree that you're in a depression due to circumstances..... This would be really hard..
Can you rent a room somewhere else??… Are you in therapy?
I agree that it might be better to get them into a good foster home if you're this unhappy they'll know it and I don't blame you at the same time this wouldn't help them you being miserable...... I couldn't take on four children... That's an awful lot for anyone
I would consider trying to get some help to move even if it's welfare for a while and if your mom wants to raise the children that's up to her
Another hug and a blessing.....xo

Kids are stressful. IO get my three middle nieces and nephew one weekend a month while their mother, my sister, works 12 hour shifts as a nurse. I cannot handle them all weekend so the fact that you are dealing with yours 24/7 is excruciating. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am 28 and I live at home too. Remember that your journey is not the same as any one else's. When you get dont on yourself, just remember you are doing your best. I admire you for being in school. I had to drop out cause it was too stressful.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. You have an awful lot on your plate.
Are your nieces and nephews in therapy? Studying at the library is a good idea.
Big hugs.

Thank you, mlr0853, MarleneJ, SunCloudJD, kisses2016, and Jenniferswe. Thank you for the hugs and support, you all remind me of the good that can come of this website. It’s funny, before I read your comments it never occurred to me that my circumstances were making me depressed. No matter how hard life gets for me, I always brush it off and beat my self up for not being stronger. I always tell myself “I’m fine, I should be over this, this isn’t a big deal” I don’t allow myself to be sad and feel my feelings. I always try to ignore, push down, focus on work, on school ect, no time to deal with the feelings. I learned that from my family. My family has gone through such extreme, intense, sad situations, and its like “be strong, you still have to go to work, you still have to live”. Being strong is good, but not at the expense of being healthy and having healthy coping mechanisms. It’s something I have to learn. I take on too much because of guilt and shame and I break down under the pressure. I didn’t even realize my circumstances were one that would warrant feeling depressed. I was asking myself “Why am I depressed? Maybe it’s a BiPolar thing? Maybe my medication has to be adjusted? But you guys are right, my circumstances are breaking me down emotionally.


So much of what you guys said make a lot of sense. I talked to mom about respite for the kids, she said she would look into it. I definitely want to move out, but I am only working part time right now. No way I can afford to move out until I’m working full time.


I am holding on to school. The semester is almost over. I am not quitting. I am just burnt out.


My self esteem is very low. So is my self confidence and my sense of self-worth. I have so many goals and I beat myself up for not accomplishing them, but the truth is many times on a subconscious level, I don’t feel like I am worth the effort. Why eat healthy? Why make efforts to make friends? Why go after my goals and dreams? I am not worth the effort. Given what I’ve been through, childhood issues, and lack of fundamental support ect, it’s no surprise I feel this way today.


I do see a therapist and a psychiatrist. Because I have been so busy with work and school, I have missed a lot of appointments with my therapist. I always feel worst when I miss appointments with her, so it’s no wonder I feel so bad. I made an appointment with her on the 17th of December. The semester will be over, and I don’t have a final on that day, so I shouldn’t have a problem getting to my appointment on time.


I definitely need to work on my elf care. Not sure where to start.


I stay late at school sometimes, it helps. Especially if I get home late at night and the kids are asleep. I don’t do it all the time because I am travelling 1 hr. 30 min on public transportation one way to get to school, and I am exhausted before class even starts. I can’t leave school super late because it takes me forever to get home. I plan on transferring to a school closer to home soon.


The kids will probably be better off in a healthy foster home, but I don’t know how realistic that is. My mother, myself, my younger sister, we are not emotionally healthy. We are not doing well individually or as a unit. I have had suicidal thoughts at least twice in the last 6 months. I am having physical problems that I have not had a chance to address. I have had my period since October. It has not stopped. I am exhausted and burnt out. On the weekends when I don’t have school or work, I just want to lay in bed. I barely have the energy to shower. Sometimes I don’t. My younger sister is massively depressed, I can’t remember the last time she left the house, she lays in bed all day. My mother is exhausted and stressed out and barely hanging on. We have no business being responsible for four young, fragile lives. We are in no position to be foster parents. But no way is my mother going to give the kids up, even as bad as things are. Even if she could be guaranteed that will be put in a good home. Its never going to happen. She already applied for adoption.



I think that is everything. Basically, I’m fucked and I don’t know where to start to get unfucked