Not sure if it will copy-paste correctly or truncate, but this is one of several verbose ramblings from my blog I made while I was fresh out of a failed rehab attempt (long story short I came home early but remained sober for another month afterwards). (pretty lengthy) My blog was opiumferbreakfast, but that's not really important. Just in case anyone wanted a source.

Aaaanyhow, for anyone who'd argue that stone-cold sobriety is the best thing for a mentally-ill person, I give you this (I was about 1 and 1/2 months sober by this point, this was written sometime this May or June):

'Doubt is my curse- It's in my blood, the human Seed
Doubt ultimately leads me to truth
But we take the longest fucking road, of course
Truth is the only Master humble enough to accept that I will not once ever blindly follow him
Truth is the only evidence-based religion.

In order to achieve perfection, one must aim for death and miss by chance
To cheat Life with Death, and Death with Luck
Run to higher powers until you're drowning six feet under crimson tides of debt
And to the higher power that will save you, then
We're all just blindly following higher powers of sorts until they no longer serve us
Then we turn to a higher power than him/her/it and plead for help and mercy
Still dragging with us the debt to our ex gods and ex masters, ex vices and ex virtues
Blindly signing another contract

Such is the way of Life
Life is the one thing I never chose for myself
Or did I?

Each day I have to choose how I suffer
But my higher power at the time decides
My vanity, my insecurity, my over-thinking, laziness
My sin decides my day
And sin is just a compromise
That's all it is
A part of Truth's grander plan
Paradox; I play into this ignorantly, willingly
I run in circles for the sake of ascending above them
That isn't faith or folklore, that is evidence
It's all I've ever done and all anyone ever does
In this life I can never accept that, and so
I accept for a while until doing so no longer serves me
I then reject
"Instantaneous gratification seeking" my ass
If I were unconditionally accepting I wouldn't see the fruits of my labor until death
Even then maybe not, because what do I know?
Nuns, monks, those who have "risen above" mundane life
Are not weak or blindly complicit
You see it's just, they have a higher power that doesn't betray them yet isn't Truth
It's not something I understand, but there are a lot of things I don't understand
I have to throw myself into the fire
Underneath the world's shit
To know something more
My philosophy comes from the gutters
I have faith in Paradox because of Evidence
I can't explain it to you
Get to know him yourself
Or don't
A true believer doesn't waste time or feelings or life trying to be a convert
Except when we cry and scream and make a scene
So someone might believe me, you, us
I only do that when I know I'm fading, dying
Right on cue, no one gives a second glance, a first fuck, a half fuck, a used fuck
It is as if They know I have to be the One to not succumb to mortal wounds
They express it with glaring ignorance because I'm the One who refuses to believe
Typical, typical
Fuck this, I'm not dying for you lot
So that maybe someone will see where I was going and go all the way
But humans only ever fully believe Evidence
The only way for me to be a martyr is to live to show the tale
Show the tale, not tell the tell
What the fuck kind of higher power would I be living for if I died for him/her/it and it proved nothing to anyone?
Think about that. This is why religion doesn't work.
Everyone suffers and everyone dies and nobody learns and we're none the wiser for this.
We're beings of Truth trying to live for god and for lottery tickets and cigarettes and condoms
And so I refuse
But I'm the worst hypocrite of them all
I have to live like a tyrant and a victim and a sheep and a master to know Truth
But wait where is choice in all this? I'm sounding crazy. Maybe this is my crazy.
Crazy masquerades as Truth quite a lot
It feeds on the same Doubt as any other higher power masquerading as Truth, the one to rule them all
My Choice is my Sin, my Sin is my Compromise, my Compromise is my Half, my Truth is my Whole-
Why am I doing this again? Not because of Choice. Being born into this is the one thing I didn't choose.
Or did I?
This makes all the goddamn sense in the world, yet it makes none.
This could be a Bible except that it doesn't make practical sense.
All of this absolutely true, but is absolutely useless to everyone
I don't have to tell you fucks to follow this because you already are.
Half of you will feel uncomfortable reading that, the other half will feel deep solace
Or maybe both because quantum physics says so, says the world's not so black-and-white
And paying attention to your feelings won't tell you anything other than what stage you're at in what cycle currently
Which is useless information so don't dwell, don't bother.
All of this is useless information. It feels like a revelation but is actually blatantly obvious.
Fuck idle time and fuck coffee.'

This was probably the last time I ever tried complete catharsis, just trying to dig my way to the bottom of my thoughts and beliefs to try to find some 'center' I could forge a solid identity out of.

If I don't do something to mute my brain, this happens. ...and I am considering psych meds again despite my extreme reluctance, as I said in the last thread of mine, I'm just awaitin' on the SSI to come through.