Hi Hannah. I'm sorry you're feeling so much shame and guilt. I have never been manic, but I have been hypomanic. I have done and said things I regret during some past episodes of hypomania. Usually, hypomania doesn't cause me any problems.

Nevertheless, the times when it has led to unfortunate behaviour or unfortunate words, I feel regret but I don't blame myself anymore because I understand it was the illness. By learning more about bipolar, being in this group, and by reading and applying the DBT principles in my workbook, I am better able to stay in the present moment so I do not get sucked into regrets of the past that we cannot change.

So my main suggestions are to work on staying in the present moment and to use principles like radical acceptance discussed in the DBT manual. These are also principles of Buddhism.

I'm not Buddhist, but I like many of their principles and practices. I have a little Buddha statue by my bed to remind myself to be mindful and to use radical acceptance and the other principles I have learned.

There is a saying – if you think of the past you will be depressed; if you think of the future you will be anxious; if you live in the present you will be peaceful because every day is a gift

Welcome Hannah and a huge hug for you sweetie... I know that a lot of us have done things that we don't feel good about when stable

Don't lose track of this is a disorder and you were ill at the time... Once Covid is over RL peer support might be a great help for you along with therapy if you aren't in any now

This is a good board... I'm glad that you've found us.... Another hug.....xo

When my thoughts go to regrets I remind myself that I was sick when I did those things and it does help bring some relief. I also do everything I can to get rid of my depression which causes me to thing these things too. This winter I got a therapy light to help with my depression and it helped so much I rarely think of those thing now.

Welcome to the group.

It’s easy to get sucked into memories as many of us have been through hard times with this illness. I try to think of the future more often, and all the lived experiences enabling awareness and success in the future. Also remembering that stability is possible, and requires lifelong maintenance. Stay strong.

Please don't hate yourself. Unfortunately it's part of mania that we look back and ask ourselves why did I do that but maybe reach out to the people you love and reconcile things with them. Maybe it will get some of those burdens off your chest. Hugs

Funny, I was just feeling bad about things that happened to me when I was hypomanic and manic 45 years ago! My bipolar is well controlled, now. But I regret all the stupid things I did, and never getting a proper diagnosis in those days. And some meds would have helped.

I know God forgives me, so I need to hang onto that.

Sorry you are going through this. I agree some RL therapy might help. But if not, this group is a good place to get some support.

Do you see a therapist? They can help you help yourself. Do you take meds?

Hannah, it sounds like many of us can relate to your feelings. You mustn't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. Bipolar Illness is one of the most difficult things to treat. And if you ever decide to take medication and find one or more that work don't let ANYONE convince you to go off them. This can happen if psychiatrists disagree on a diagnosis.

I believe better days are ahead for you, Hannah.

Rumina

I know those feelings all too well! I find myself feeling guilty too sometimes and I feel like I don't even deserve to live. However, I have learned to forgive myself and know that back then I wasn't myself when I did the things I did when manic. I'm getting regular treatment now and on meds and am the most stable I've ever been. I've come along way and it's been a long hard road. So don't be too hard on yourself. learn to forgive yourself, and if you feel so inclined, try to make amends with people you may have done wrong. That's what I have done over the years as part of my recovery process is to make amends with the people I have hurt. Some forgave me, others didn't, and that's ok. I have made peace with my past. All we can do is try to be better people than we were yesterday. Every day and every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around and begin anew!