Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I have a hard time answering some of the questions that doctors ask me. My doctors have asked me so many questions and so have the SSDI doctors and I don't even know how confused I am right now over how I have answered them in the past. Depending on my mental state at the time, I could say that I have no problems with something ever....an hour after having a problem with it. I don't mean that I would lie about it but rather see it from a different or weird perspective at the time that I answer.
I'm in a weird way right now and I'm a bit confusing and paranoid about what I can/should tell my pdoc
Okay, maybe it will be easier if I just use examples.
pdoc asked if I have issues with paranoia. answer: "nope...wait...you mean like people out to get me, right? yeah, I don't have that." But I had spent the entire previous day paranoid about seeing the pdoc in the first place. Not in a "she was sent by government to keep tabs on me" kind of paranoia but rather paranoid about what would happen if I didn't answer questions "right" and fear that I would describe my symptoms wrong and then get the wrong meds prescribed. Or that I should share too much about being suicidal and she would have me institutionalized. I often have conversations with people in my head before I have them with the real person as many as 10 times trying to figure out the right way to have the conversation because I'm paranoid that I will word, describe, or imply something incorrectly.
But do I have a problem with paranoia? Nope! Muhahaha!
serisously though, do they mean my general every day paranoia about dozens of things and how they would and probably will go wrong? Or are they just referring to grander things like global conspiracies that somehow target me?
I have a pdoc that handles my meds and a therapist that I actually talk to about how things are going and what I can use for coping mechanisms. Both of them asked me if I hear voices or have hallucinations. The answer I wanted to give was "Not that I know of!' because I thought it was funny but I thought it might not be appropriate which normally wouldn't bother me but I'm still very uneasy about actually talking about my problems. I don't hear voices telling me what do to but rather I talk to "myself" and in my head, that is often manifested as the voice of someone I know or as another "copy" of me that is talking with me in my head. I used to use this as my own version of therapy sessions. I would see myself in my head talking to the only therapist/counselor that made me feel 100% comfortable. I would tell him about what was bothering me or what I was struggling with. He would give me advice (sometimes actual advice he had given me before) about what was going on or just ask me more questions about why *I* thought that was happening. Sometimes when I really wanted to talk to a certain friend about something but felt uneasy doing so, I would see them in my head and we would talk and sometimes it would go badly and I would get upset but other times it would go well and then I didn't need to talk to them anyway because I already did. I know they aren't real though. That's different, right? I don't see them physically manifested next to me but rather in a day dream of sorts in my head that I can see while still also seeing the regular world. That's not hallucinating, right? I know it's just in my head and not confusing it with reality.
I usually tell them that I'm not suicidal but I've at least been able to mention that I've have thoughts of death and dying and even suicide in the past.....okay that one might be a lie because not a single week goes by that I don't fantasize about it. BUT I've never attempted it!
I don't want to mislead them because then they can't help me but I'm also a bit scared to tell them....well, anything. After avoiding them and avoiding talking to anyone about my issues for years, it's incredibly hard for me to open up to any of them. I've even emailed myself notes about things that I should tell them because I was in a rarely lucid sharing moment where I knew just how to express how I felt and what I was thinking...but then I show up for my next visit and don't tell them.
I know it is their job to help me but I'm not used to trusting people and even though I don't really "know" these people and don't care about what they think of me....I kinda do care and I don't know why.
I don't want them to think I'm a crazy person and lock me up!
Last question. It's about my meds. I am taking one that I'm supposed to take up to three times a day for anxiety attacks or manic episodes. The doctor started me on the minimum dose. I tried it a few times but it didn't work. I started trying to take two instead of one and it actually seemed to help a little. Is the doctor going to get mad that I didn't take it as prescribed?? I was afraid that if I didn't try a high dose on my own that the doctor might just say "oh well, didn't work, let's try a different one" when I just needed to take more of it.
Is it acceptable to just say "I'd like to try a higher dose"?
Wow, I really rambled on there, I guess.
I'm in a weird way right now and I'm a bit confusing and paranoid about what I can/should tell my pdoc
Okay, maybe it will be easier if I just use examples.
pdoc asked if I have issues with paranoia. answer: "nope...wait...you mean like people out to get me, right? yeah, I don't have that." But I had spent the entire previous day paranoid about seeing the pdoc in the first place. Not in a "she was sent by government to keep tabs on me" kind of paranoia but rather paranoid about what would happen if I didn't answer questions "right" and fear that I would describe my symptoms wrong and then get the wrong meds prescribed. Or that I should share too much about being suicidal and she would have me institutionalized. I often have conversations with people in my head before I have them with the real person as many as 10 times trying to figure out the right way to have the conversation because I'm paranoid that I will word, describe, or imply something incorrectly.
But do I have a problem with paranoia? Nope! Muhahaha!
serisously though, do they mean my general every day paranoia about dozens of things and how they would and probably will go wrong? Or are they just referring to grander things like global conspiracies that somehow target me?
I have a pdoc that handles my meds and a therapist that I actually talk to about how things are going and what I can use for coping mechanisms. Both of them asked me if I hear voices or have hallucinations. The answer I wanted to give was "Not that I know of!' because I thought it was funny but I thought it might not be appropriate which normally wouldn't bother me but I'm still very uneasy about actually talking about my problems. I don't hear voices telling me what do to but rather I talk to "myself" and in my head, that is often manifested as the voice of someone I know or as another "copy" of me that is talking with me in my head. I used to use this as my own version of therapy sessions. I would see myself in my head talking to the only therapist/counselor that made me feel 100% comfortable. I would tell him about what was bothering me or what I was struggling with. He would give me advice (sometimes actual advice he had given me before) about what was going on or just ask me more questions about why *I* thought that was happening. Sometimes when I really wanted to talk to a certain friend about something but felt uneasy doing so, I would see them in my head and we would talk and sometimes it would go badly and I would get upset but other times it would go well and then I didn't need to talk to them anyway because I already did. I know they aren't real though. That's different, right? I don't see them physically manifested next to me but rather in a day dream of sorts in my head that I can see while still also seeing the regular world. That's not hallucinating, right? I know it's just in my head and not confusing it with reality.
I usually tell them that I'm not suicidal but I've at least been able to mention that I've have thoughts of death and dying and even suicide in the past.....okay that one might be a lie because not a single week goes by that I don't fantasize about it. BUT I've never attempted it!
I don't want to mislead them because then they can't help me but I'm also a bit scared to tell them....well, anything. After avoiding them and avoiding talking to anyone about my issues for years, it's incredibly hard for me to open up to any of them. I've even emailed myself notes about things that I should tell them because I was in a rarely lucid sharing moment where I knew just how to express how I felt and what I was thinking...but then I show up for my next visit and don't tell them.
I know it is their job to help me but I'm not used to trusting people and even though I don't really "know" these people and don't care about what they think of me....I kinda do care and I don't know why.
I don't want them to think I'm a crazy person and lock me up!
Last question. It's about my meds. I am taking one that I'm supposed to take up to three times a day for anxiety attacks or manic episodes. The doctor started me on the minimum dose. I tried it a few times but it didn't work. I started trying to take two instead of one and it actually seemed to help a little. Is the doctor going to get mad that I didn't take it as prescribed?? I was afraid that if I didn't try a high dose on my own that the doctor might just say "oh well, didn't work, let's try a different one" when I just needed to take more of it.
Is it acceptable to just say "I'd like to try a higher dose"?
Wow, I really rambled on there, I guess.
Good morning. Your "paranoia" sounds more to me like anxiety. You are anxious and worried about a bunch of different things. That's anxiety in my book.
The voices in the head thing...I don't personally see that as a problem. I would at least tell your therapist and let them decide if it's healthy or not. I often tell my kidds when they catch me talking to myself (outloud sometimes) that "I'm doing it because I need to carry on an intelligent conversation at least once a day." Then I laugh and they know I'm kidding. Again, I don't see anything wrong with trying to work it out by yourself.
Taking more than the prescribed dose for meds can sometimes piss your pdoc off but explain that u just wanted to try taking one more to see if it would work. he/she may be okay with it or they be pissed. My doc would just shake his head.
You are your biggest, and sometimes only, advocate. Just because a doctor recommends something, it doesn't mean it is gospel. If you want to stay on those meds then tell your pdoc that ypu'd prefer to try for another month and see. Mine usually goes along with that. The next month, assuming you do well, tell him how great you feel and that should be the end of it for a bit.
Did that make sense? Anyway, great post and I hope you work out all these issues.
Laura
I never though of myself as "hearing voices" but like you said and what I've heard a couple people say, "of course, I talk to myself. I needed an expert opinion" Hehe. It just happens that 'myself' is represented in my mind as other people.
Sometimes it is next to impossible to break down into words exactly what's going on with us. For me, I get tangled up when I try to predict what others will do or say. So I try to turn my attention to my responsibility -- being as accurate and articulate as I can.
When you're asked a question that you're a bit confused about, take the time to ask clarifying questions yourself so you know exactly what they're driving at.
I think it's perfectly all right to ask for a higher dose of a medication. What's the worst that can happen? Your pdoc may decline .... and there may be a good physiological reason for it.
Your desire to get better is clear. Just relax and answer as accurately as possible.
(((Big Hug)))
Print this out and take it with you and give it to your Pdoc and to your therapist to read.
I think most of the stuff you've listed here is quite common and not an indication that something is seriously wrong.
The kind of worrying you describe -- not saying the 'right' thing and ending up on the wrong meds doesn't qualify as paranoia.
When they ask that, I think they really DO mean more along the lines of 'they're out to get me' kind of stuff.
Or the milder types of paranoia. Thinking that people are talking about you behind your back, when there's really no reason to form that opinion.
A lot of the stuff you're describing sounds to me like anxiety.
Excessive worrying, but not paranoia.
No, those conversations you have in your head are almost certainly not hallucinations.
I think almost everybody imagines how things might go or how they would like them to go.
I'm not a doctor, but I'll play one here on the board and tell you that you might have Social Anxiety Disorder.
(There! Now give me $150!!!!)
You do seem to have a lot of anxiety and most of it revolves around interacting with others.
You're a long way from paranoid and delusional, though.
I wouldn't be surprised if your therapist can even put a positive spin on how you 'practice' conversations in your head.
That's something that 'experts' recommend doing to help you better prepare for whatever it is you're thinking about.
When people are going to give speeches, they often practice it over and over again. It makes the real thing easier.
The sticking point for you might be where you don't take that final step and transition what you imagine into reality.
Instead, you may be using those imagined conversations as an avoidance technique.
(That would be in keeping with social anxiety.)
Well, it's almost a given that your Pdoc is not going to be thrilled about you taking your meds in a different way than he prescribed.
With some meds, doing that can be downright dangerous and the doctor may be a lot more cautious about prescribing what are the best meds for you if he thinks you are going to abuse them.
You really should 'fess up about it, though.
The Pdoc can't help you if he doesn't know what's really going on.
Honest. I've done a LOT of the things you do and almost all of it was anxiety-induced.
I don't think you're in any danger of being locked up because of any of the things you have listed here.
Good luck!!
I hope you talk to your healthcare professionals about your concerns.
I think you'll feel a lot better, after you do it.
You are not by any means the first patient to have these very same worries!!
(((((Hugs)))))