my father has major surgery tomorrow. He has a small tumor/nodule in his lung. They are going to remove it and biopsy it. If it is cancer, they will have to remove the lobe of the lung affected. I am feeling very sad and anxious tonight because I can’t be there. It is a 4 hour trip one way. My care is 18 years old and I have no money because (the pos LOSER that I am) I am unemployed (neither of my parents know that I lost my job—AGAIN). I feel very triggered because I have had cancer twice and I know what he is going through. Surgery is SO scary!!!!  And my father was there for both of my major surgeries and now I can’t be there for him. Also, my sister is driving 4 hours to be there. SHE has a job making great money and is able to be there. I feel kind of resentful of her because SHE is his favorite. Has been since she went to school and MADE something of herself. I am the bahbah black sheep. It is probably just as well that we are not both going to be there because we do NOT get along. All of this is just so hard. And not being able to tell my own family that I’m struggling is AWFUL. I feel SO alone.