Your words are eloquent but your spirit sounds broken. You havent tried hard enough to find the peace you deserve or you would realize your life has no close by your direction. It moves forward where you direct it and that power has to come from within you. Its there, the peace you crave. Try harder. Hugs

Hi, you sound about like me a couple years back. I noticed we are about the same age. I have done a lot of bad things in my life as well. Lots of sex,drugs you name it. You can only blame yourself to a certain extent. You have to think about how you was raised situations and of course our illness. I think it has a lot to do with the illness we have. Since I have known about it I have been aware of my actions and seem to be striving to be a better person, and when something is not right I have a consious. something I use to lack. Shelly is right you right eloquent so I am sure your a smart person. Hang in there man. If you wanna talk about shit/stuff send me a message. Hope things pick up..

Peace
Nick

No , you are both right. My spirit is broken and I am giving up. I just wish soemtimes I had the guts to do something about it other than killing myself in small amounts.

I am sorry you are experiencing this; these feelings, this state of mind.

I dunno..the 'logic' may seem irrefutable to you & a bit seductive...but sometimes I think it's a terrible part of being severely depressed...it suddenly all seems to crystal clear, so obvious..'I am doomed' etc

I guess a lot of us have tasted this kind of thing in one form or another..I sure have..I had a bit of a 'walking ghost' (delusion or feeling, I dunno what you call it)..a sense of forboding, 'inevitability' & Utter Conviction..as though I were terminally ill- with one particular battle with suicidality (over several months)

The fucking weird thing was...when I 'came out of it'..& it really is like sobering up from, I dunno, a nightmare acid trip...I couldn't Believe...Everything I had been Oblivious to when that depressed

it's like you're completely blind to the 'good stuff'..everything life has going for it...it becomes incomprehensible..y'know?

& the way we rationalise this act...as though it wouldn't impact terribly on those we love etc

If gonna make decision to pull the plug; lights out...why not defer making that call until in a balanced frame of mind? When you can 'see' the whole spectrum of color, so to speak.

If you are not feeling 'doomed' , that's it's your 'fate' etc & are enjoying the little things in life & so on..interested in world around you- & still would like to go take a jump or whatever..well, at least you're giving yourself a chance to think things over when your perspective is totally fucked & distorted by this hellbitch of an illness, y'know?

Thinking of you. Keep reaching out. Please, please tell people in your life you are feeling this way- share the burden.

love, Lou2.

Are you taking antipsychotics? (sometimes can cut through some of the layers of conviction..allowing to look at things from a different perspective)

I think what I meant to say (before wandering off wherever) is that how would you know whether something that 'feels' like a realization is actually a bit delusional..your brain chemistry playing tricks on you?
Depression tends to do that!