this is the only place where i have access to support.

my family have left me i have been alone for a long time.

i have shit friends. i have shit friends who take advantage of me, and who make me feel like shit. they are not friends and i need to get away from them.

i am truly never to trust anybody not even myself.

i took a blade to my skin and i sliced like a maniac. and now i feel better.

only i dont. only i feel like a disaster and a wreck. and i feel so
god damned borderline.

i feel so stupid and i wish i could get myself back. i dont recognise this person that i have become.

i take drugs so i dont have to be me transiently. only i am me when the drug finishes and i realise i have been wreckless and i am ashamed for being so destructive when i should be helping myself.

there is nowhere for me to turn.

im wishing on a miracle everyday that i wake up a different person, or that i dont wake up at all. i hoping that i will be able to gather the strength to finish my Alevels and get into University.

university is all i can think about. it is my ticket out of hell and im holding onto that thought hard because if i dont leave this town, and if i dont get a degree and focus this energy onto something positive for MYSELF i am going to end up dead. and thats a fact.

but it isnt fact enough to get help apparently. i am not mentally ill. i have a weak personality and i do not try hard enough. i do not need help because i am a failure and because i am a bad person.

this is all because of him. i would kill him if it wasnt so illegal.