I been very depressed for over a week now.  I have been crying a lot.  I just can't help it.  Experiencing fatigue and poor coordination.  Of course having a lot fear paranoia, etc.

Lately the weather has been very rainy and gray including today.  This isn't ordinary gray days.  I'm talking about extremely gloomy and dark clouds everywhere.  The clouds just hang there heavily and dark like my mood.  I'm probably batting S.A.D.  I'm taking D3.  I bought some Valarian root for anxiety.

I called in sick at work this morning because I was so sad an weepy.  I didn't want to breakdown and cry at work, again.  I hate calling in because I'm so afraid I'll get in trouble.  However it it seems like someone calls in sick everyday that I worked.  Maybe it was just my turn.  It my 1st time calling in at this job.  I'm going to go to work tomorrow.  It will probably take every ounce of strength I have.

I hate having bp.  It has robbed me of so much.  Mental health care here in America is so lousy.  There is a lot of awareness about mental disorders but it's still expensive in many cases.  For many it's hard to get decent care.  A lot of us have a very difficult time finding support as in friends and/or family that are there for them.  Here in Oregon there is only 1 hospital that has a psych ward.  Most of the mental hospitals have been shutdown.  I know a lot of them were like prisons but it was someplace to go.  With a few simple changes they could of been improved dramatically but nobody wanted to pay for improvements.

So now I suffer in varying degrees.  My future looks bleak and that's one of things that scares me.  The other thing that scares is being completely abandoned by everyone.  The thought of being completely rejected is terrible.

It's been a very difficult life for me.