It's been about a week since my meeting with the Disability pdoc to give me an evaluation. I had my physical eval that same day for my Fibro and took pain meds and anxiety pills before each one so that I could cope long enough to get through them. I have no idea how my psych eval went. For the next couple of days, I couldn't eat and could barely sleep freaking out that I screwed it up. I forgot to mention some stuff that might have been important. I'm so used to trying to tell everyone I'm okay that I'm afraid I might have downplayed just how suicidal I get sometimes. The doc was so freaking stoic and stonefaced through the whole thing that I couldn't help but think he was out to get me. Just looking for an excuse to say he thought I was faking my problems. I don't even know why. After the first few days of freaking out, I spent the next few days sleeping. In almost 3 days, I've eaten about 8 oz of meat and a handful of chips.

I know there is nothing I can do now but wait however it doesn't keep me from freaking out. My new pdoc gave me some kind of mood balancer that I take regularly (when I am awake to do so) and an anxiety pill that doesn't seem to cut it when I get bad enough that I really really need it. Now it's 2:30AM and I've only been awake for the past couple of hours and I'm listening to soothing music to try to calm myself but I just keeping writhing around in bed. My arms are shaking. I forget what it was but I started to listen to one artist and began to calm but then felt an overwhelming sense of dread and was afraid I was slip into a suicidal state again so I changed to other stuff. I didn't take my pills because I doubt they'll even help. Still weeks till my next pdoc meeting to discuss how well it's doing.

I didn't tell the disability eval guy or my pdoc but lately, I've been struggling intensely with a desire to go back to cutting myself. I told the evaluator that I started that about 16 and stopped around 18....I left out that I started back up a year or two later and kept of for years (3 or 4, I guess). I was going to tell him, I was...and about the desire never going away and these last few months being a daily fight but he started asking about something else. Other than mentioning it here and to the evaluator, I've only ever told one person that I've cut before. That was a friend from another country that I'd known for years that had been secretly been struggling with it and was looking for advice/comfort. The free clinic center where I have to go to see my pdoc is also getting me to see a counselor (they do the counseling and the medical separate). I plan to tell them about it eventually but it's so hard to say. Sometimes, I don't even think it's a problem so why tell anyone, right? I haven't started back and even if I did, I would be careful like I always used to be. No visible areas. Not too deep.

I feel like I haven't been here in so long. I started only coming here when I was already freaking out. Then I was afraid when I wasn't freaking out that if I came and tried to hang out, I would start thinking about how I felt last time I was online or that I would see an old post I made and I would, once again, begin to lose it. It helps to just talk about it...or type about it. When I was younger, I would write/type a letter to some unknown but completely trusted friend and tell them how I felt and it would help. Then I'd destroy it so no one would ever know what was going on in my head. It just isn't enough anymore but coming here has helped. Honestly though for every message I've typed, I've typed and erased at least one because I was afraid to hit submit.

I don't feel like I'll ever be okay again. I guess I went past just talking about my psych eval but that's mainly what put me in this state and led me to currently freaked out demeanor.