I'm sorry you are suffering so much Jenniferswe. I too throw fits like your son if someone suggests I get a job. Why? Working for people who are focused on power and money kills my soul, it's that simple. I'd rather starve.

Volunteeer organisations are staffed often by snobs that look down on those who suffer and gossips that can't wait to talk about "clients" so they are out, can't handle the two faced nature of their dishonesty. Hope you cope with the fear long enough for it to pass and that somehow you work out a way to feel more free.

All the best
Moob

Jenn, I have felt like you do, don't know 'exactly' I have wanted the "knight in shinning armor' to come and rescue me...just isn't going to happen. I can only do what I'm capable of doing...as small some times to brush my teeth, or get dressed...operative word "do" with each baby step, I help myself get through the day. I've been in a deep depression for 2.5 months, I've had one good week and now I'm going back down again.

I too feel the world, our Country is Insane...as do most of the people in he Country and people around the world...I can't do anything to help them except to Pray, I do believe Prayer Works...at least for me anyway.

As for your son, you know John is the same, all he does all day long is eat, sleep and play on his computer...our relationship was So Bad when he was 19 I had to put him into a homeless shelter for him to get state housing...talk about Hard, Guilt, Fear...I still live with those feelings. I made the decision because I didn't feel safe, our relationship and I'd had cancer and wanted him to be somewhere safe if anything happened to me.

So take some deep breaths, and think what you can do right now to push forward...I'm listening to this book on utube, book tape by
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, by Dale Carnegie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYpgQswPf3Y
to help keep me off computer and knitting at night...scarfs to give away to ??? doing something for others.
Take Good Care Of You Jenn :)

Thank you, Moon. I didn't volunteering was that bad. Big hugs.

Thank you, Mary. I know what you mean by "The White Knight". I figured out many years ago that he was a myth. Both of my husbands liked having me take care of them.
I knew I had to take care of myself. Unfortunately the world is an unkind place. Especially for people with disabilities.

All I can do today is get through it. I'm so freaked out by things going on around me. I can hardly function. I will.do what I can. Big hugs.

Another thing I try and is Very Hard for me to to have compassion for myself....I do have many responsibilities...when I write down just 3 it helps me to know at the end of the day I got "something done". You'll get there Jenn, just try to stay out of the past, it's gone...live in today, and plan a few things for tomorrow...Not Overwhelming Yourself :) We Can Be Our Own White Knight :) together :) Moobs responded to a post I made with this...made me smile and it's So True :) Thank You Moobs, hope you don't mind I copied and pasted!
"Prior preparation and planning prevents piss-poor performance"

It's the future I'm worried about. I have so much stacked against me.

I try to have compassion for myself but it's so hard. I've been "the responsible one" for a long time. I feel like I'm carrying the Weight of the world on my shoulders. I afraid if I "fail" and hit rock bottom, I will be rejected by everyone.

When you are weak you need your friends to strengthen you rather than to look inside and try to fix yourself sometimes I think. It's just too easy to criticise yourself when you actually need building up.

You will not be rejected by me, for one. That's a start :-D I bet there are others.

If I didn't get confused and stick my big feet in my mouth so easy I could be a better support but have 1 million positive wishes flying your way...

DON"T DUCK! Quack Quack

I’m sorry you’re feeling such struggles right now, Jen. I don’t have words of wisdom but sending a big supportive hug.

Thank you my friends.

Jen, fear is a very real thing and a very paralyzing thing, and nobody can measure out how your fear affects you, but you. Right now the future is a very scary place for many people. The best thing to do is try and take things very small steps at a time. Trying to tackle too many things at one time, tends to always seem impossible and scary. Breaking things down into small tasks that seem more doable and not quite so scary tend to make life a little easier.

Sometimes when it comes to finding a job, you have to think more outside the box, maybe personalizing something you you do well, that you can do for others. Can you sew? Can you make masks to sell? Or things like perhaps cleaning houses, jobs where you don't work for a Company per se and have to follow a lot of Rules and Schedules that might be difficult for you. People need help with child care these days, people need help with preschool tutors. What about walking pets? Maybe think of jobs that are a little outside of the box.

You're not making excuses, but I don't believe you're at a point where you can just give up and someone will magically jump in and take care of you either. So you have to think of solutions.

Your son is capable and old enough to do some things on his own and to help you out. Without ordering him or just telling him what to do, perhaps it's time to sit him down and have a calm conversation about how tough things are right now for you and your environment and he'll have to help out more. Explain that its time that you 2 have to help each other out because that's what moms and sons do for each other, that's what we do when we love each other. Ask him to help you come up with a plan of what are some things he might help out with, and what are some things you might do. The 2 of you can make a list or schedule, that way he feels involved, he feels that you need his help and his love and caring, but he doesn't feel like your just bossing him or ordering him around. A lot of the response we get from people can be changed if we change the tone and way we deal with them.

But do things in small steps, make plans a little at a time. Your sons case worker I would imagine is pretty busy these days, so she may just have not had time to get back to you, give her a day or 2 more and then leave her a polite message asking her to get back with you.

Check into Social Services to see if there are any other Financial Services you can apply for or might be eligible for.

And remember you're not alone and many are scared and it's okay to be scared, it's a scary time and there's a lot of unknown out there. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with the feelings you're having.

Take care,
Kat

Thank you Kat.

Big hug for you sweetie.... I am so sorry that you're hurting so much right now

I agree to break things down to baby steps.... Small amounts of time so you can handle it

We can often handle moments where we can't handle huge blocks of times

Another hug and a blessing.....xo

Personally, when I develop high anxiety, it is usually because of depression. If I treat the depression, the anxiety goes away. Are you able to take antidepressants without becoming manic or hypomanic? Perhaps your town has some services to help people with disabilities find work – it might be helpful for both you and your son… I also get stiff from the anxiety/depression combo. Churches can be a good source of help and support.
Wishing you the best,
Laura

Thank you, Laura. I am on medication and I am looking into services to help my son. It hard to get a hold of anyone during this quarantine.
Hugs.

Jenn,

When I'm stressed I have a little sign on my desk to help me remember:

False Evidence Appearing Real

It's a lot of what fear is and it's what makes it get bigger in your head. I'm filled with fear Jenn I have never seen the skies this smoke filled...