Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.

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Not feeling too good.

LornaR
LornaR
2 nights ago my dream was interrupted by a loud man's voice that came from the sky that said "Lorna, Lorna, make a decision before tomorrow noon." Yesterday was okay but today I have been trying to make decisions about everything it could possibly mean. My negative voice was saying "I have decided to kill myself." so I decided I do not want to kill myself and it is such a hard thing to give up the idea. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I am like crazy making decisions and having to stick to them and I'm so afraid I'm missing the big decision I was supposed to make. I was working with some insulation today at the cabin and it's fibers were floating all over and I didn't even notice until my hands started stinging. I was breathing, you know? Then I thought I didn't stick to the decision to believe in my ability to be healthy so they were going to infect me with something that will cause cancer because I kept waffling about what I thought about cancer and I know that if I got cancer that it would be okay to kill myself which is what I'm never sure I don't want to and I'm so scared I am attracting this shit to myself. Oh God the brain just goes on and on. I keep asking "A decision about?" But no answer.

I always feel anxiety but this is torture and I can barely take it anymore. I hurt all over.
Posted on 10/31/10, 12:27 am
tommymott
tommymott
I think dreams are interesting but don't really mean anything. Maybe that approach would help. It seems like a lot of stress to try to decide which decision is the right one. Whenever you work with insulation always wear a face mask, long sleeves and gloves, then duct tape around where your sleeves and gloves meet. You'll be glad you did. Why would you think that it's a bad idea to give up wanting to kill yourself? When I finally decided to live it was very liberating. I hope you find the same.
LornaR
LornaR
I'd like to discount my dreams but they are far too amazing to disqualify. I know they are direct communications at times. It is hard for me to give up the idea of suicide because I have been talked into believing it would be better than another cause. To have control of the way I die and knowing and being ready rather than the death the Spirits might bring to me. I was using recycled left over insulation. I had no idea it wasn't just foam. And why? Why is there some toxic shit added to it? I can't stand humans. I took some xanax finally. I hate drugs!!! Sorry, I am so damn ... I feel like I could jump out of my skin.

Thank you for being there. I go through this stuff a lot and I am about done. When I decided I wanted to live I became fearful because I have no control. It is easier to not care. But I do want to live. I made that decision. But I feel like I am being laughed at.