Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
Extremely negative content warning.
Honestly what does anything matter. ? I live inside of an identity crisis. My personality's iced over like some kind of black fungus eating away at signs of humanity.
As a void that eclipses everything.
My dreams are hell. Every night. No recurring theme. I wake up with a sense of no purpose, no connection, after dreams of vacant hell spaces or elaborate acid dreams of walking roads mere feet beneath the galaxies, feeling an embrace of heaven.
I feel so dead. I don't think there is recovery from this. Nothing in my life is even very wrong to feel such a way.
I want to be a divorced het woman finding herself. I don't like being asexual/aromantic or generally repulsed by people. Everyone and myself are dehumanized in my mind and I can't remove this flawed filter.
Sorry. I sound like a jackass. Sorry. Go do something fun after this. Something nice and light.
What will solve this? I can't pretend anymore. My affect is so creepy or just... hopelessly doting, but in very short bursts. Mostly just absent.
Nothing helps. Something's wrong with me to where things that occur in the outside world don't usually change what goes on inside my head. I'm either all there or I'm not, my enjoyment of a situation depends on my level of mental there-ness, which is usually on the low end of the spectrum.
I think my posts here are not more than testament to my saccharine manic mini-episodes and gradual downward spiral ehhh. Maybe 2015 will hold something more.
Honestly what does anything matter. ? I live inside of an identity crisis. My personality's iced over like some kind of black fungus eating away at signs of humanity.
As a void that eclipses everything.
My dreams are hell. Every night. No recurring theme. I wake up with a sense of no purpose, no connection, after dreams of vacant hell spaces or elaborate acid dreams of walking roads mere feet beneath the galaxies, feeling an embrace of heaven.
I feel so dead. I don't think there is recovery from this. Nothing in my life is even very wrong to feel such a way.
I want to be a divorced het woman finding herself. I don't like being asexual/aromantic or generally repulsed by people. Everyone and myself are dehumanized in my mind and I can't remove this flawed filter.
Sorry. I sound like a jackass. Sorry. Go do something fun after this. Something nice and light.
What will solve this? I can't pretend anymore. My affect is so creepy or just... hopelessly doting, but in very short bursts. Mostly just absent.
Nothing helps. Something's wrong with me to where things that occur in the outside world don't usually change what goes on inside my head. I'm either all there or I'm not, my enjoyment of a situation depends on my level of mental there-ness, which is usually on the low end of the spectrum.
I think my posts here are not more than testament to my saccharine manic mini-episodes and gradual downward spiral ehhh. Maybe 2015 will hold something more.
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I find myself going places in the car and not wanting to get out of the car. I come back home and I don't want to get out of the car. I think it's the only time I spend reflecting. Chronic tiredness from Long Covid plus the immunosupressing meds for my Crohn's is slowing me down but everything just seems a massive effort. I am dealing with the paperwork following my father's death but it's not...
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Wow, it's the middle of the week already!Today is our 11 year anniversary, so we're going out to a nice dinner. I'm losing a lot of sleep these days, hence a wonky schedule and uncomfortable feelings. But I know it will pass, eventually.I hope all of you have a peaceful day, and may good things come your way!
I wonder about things sometimes...the experiences we have, especially around other people, where we Know we don't 'Feel', you know? All those times when, apparently, there are Expected feelings and reactions - ways Most other people seem to feel and respond, but we just can't seem to make that Connection.
We say to ourselves, "What am I supposed to feel here? How am I supposed to behave?" and it feels so Foreign that it would be Darned near Impossible for us to feel or react the way that seems to be Normal. Or, feel at All, at the moment.
Another thing, Voltaire, is your intelligence. Do you identify with those people who seem to have superior cognitive functioning but feel like, when they are talking or interacting with Other people, it's like looking through a Tunnel?
Where's the connectiveness? Where's the "personal" in "interpersonal"?? you may think.
I know this makes it Ridiculously hard not only to be accepted or embraced by most other people, but also by Yourself. Because our society teaches us, over and over, to expect yourself to act like the Majority of the World. That it is Not okay to be any other Way.
Oh, we're getting Better at it, but truly - we almost can't Help but grow up feeling a Need to "fit in", if for no other reason than we are Lonely for companionship of some sort and therefore Desire to mold ourselves, if possible - and then we feel cheated, damaged or Worse, when we Cannot.
I submit that you are Not so strange, but that you are part of a Minority of people who are suited for intellectual pursuit, for a life that can be rewarding but does Not hinge on those "interpersonal skills" like "fitting in" with very many people in life. You are given to this earth for a Purpose, one that we Need, but one we do not Understand.
I say all that as a comfort as well as to hopefully get you Thinking about your purpose here, but I'm not so stupid as to think it will be nice and Easy. Some of us are just Going to be lonely in life because of who we Are, though not because there is something Wrong with us.
Post anytime, about anything, because these things are Cathartic, Voltaire. And also because I think you should write stuff down to read later, and maybe get other people reading too.
The more you learn about yourself, the more you may find that, while you are in the minority, you are definitely not Alone, and maybe there are others who would want to hear They are not alone either.
Me
Back in my day it was wondering around listening to Caberet Voltaire (no relation), reading Kafka and wearing a long mac.
I had Teen Angst too, but actually turned TOWARDS religion rather than against it. Now I subscribe to a faith rather than a Church. As far as I'm concerned, the Catholic Church no longer speaks for Christ.
Also I was sexually abused as a Child and reacted by becoming an overachiever in School.Now I can't get a bleeding job. But I'm now beginning to live within my means and paddle my own canoe regarding entrepreneurship.
Hope you can find some comfort, honey!
I used to attract and go for deeply intellectual types but I quit doing that because a lot of them are unbearably pretentious. Idk. Not all. The type of person I enjoy isn't necessarily always a philosophical or intellectual person, although I get lonely if I don't get enough intellectual stimulation through conversation, or contemplation of my own.
You're spot on about feelings not being appropriate to the situation though, or feeling like I'm supposed to feel but I just can't muster a 'feel'.
But thank you though. I feel I can talk to you quite easily and that you get it.
Fitting in I think is a ditch attempt at making sense of things. If there are 6 billion people on earth and you can't find anyone or any group that feels similarly to you at a particular time, that's kind of an awkward spot to be in.
We weave together perceptions and traits to make sense of others, but ourselves as well. If that woven quilt has a major hole, it isn't a very good quilt. Not something so useful or comfortable.
Water- Agreed very much. THIS IS WHAT MY FAMILY DOESN'T GET. "Go back on psych meds" yeeeeea well antipsychs don't do much for "negative" symptoms of dissociative bipolar or schizoaffective such as lacking a clear demeanor or feeling all space cadet.
Fish- I lol'd. What is a mac by the way? Am I too young or just too American to know that word? Dx I dunno. I don't pin things to a phase because it's dismissive and also I tend to have tunnel vision and see mindsets as permanent, at least in that they tend to recur and resurface, but then again I'm only 20. I can't speak from the perspective of someone who's been around for a while to see things change.
Desi- It is dangerous. Looool. Why do you think you are repellant?
Hmm? I don't really understand I'm sorry. So like.. Christianity/Monotheism but not church-affiliated? Where do you go to learn and share beliefs with others? I have no idea about religion I'm sorry. My whole family's mostly Atheist and my only experience with spirituality was deeply emotionally and mentally scarring.
I'm sorry about your childhood abuse. I'm glad you found a medium through which to heal.
Wouldn't academic excellence help with a job? *gulp* if that isn't the case... What do we go to college for ehhh. I start back in a week.
Thanks babe that's very kind.
Probably Joy Division would have been a better reference.
This song from the time sent up the whole thing. It was a paradody of the Native Hipsters "Ohh look there goes concorde", it was called "Oh look there goes a long mac" - unfortunately for 2015 I have been visisted by the fuck up fairy and none of the you tube videos of aforesaid material are working for me.
I can identify with a lot of things you said. As said though that was a long time ago. I was an outsider then and I still am. I'm an outsider here too. That won't change although the focus of my attention, my demeanour and my thoughts have changed over the years. Make of that what you will.
Just plain old common sense, which your very own Voltaire said, "Is not too common!" I sincerely hope that there's a Heaven and Hell so that the likes of Bush, Obama, Clinton and Tony Blair will all burn in eternal damnation. Some may call it Karma, but I digress. :p
I have developed my own faith, based on what it was supposed to be like. There were too many toxic family dynamics in the past and out of that came the angst of the 60's.
When I was a Teenage boy I developed a foot fetish and had the urge to feel legs. Also I was coerced by boys in the playground to grope girls in exchange for crisps. Also I talked smutty in front of girls. (which grosed them out) Now I feel that I'm just another 'Foul Bachelor Frog'. (as in the one on memegenerator)
I was exploited because I didn't know any better and had no coping mechanism to deal with peer pressure. Also, lads in my local area are very chauvinist when it comes to sexual matters. There are some guys even trying it on women in relationships. It makes me mad.
That's basically it.