Friday it will be 5 weeks since Brad killed himself.When I tell people who havent seen me in ages,....they always ask my reactions.Bi Polar 2
can react to a crisis like this postively or negatively.I will list mine because no person should go thr what I am or experience it.It has been sheer hhhhhhhh.When i awoke on 5/22/09/...I noticed the trail of blood.There was blood on the bed and i heard the cats screaming.I looked for Brad.He wasnt in his bed...because I slept there and he wasnt in mine.He wasnt in his room,nor the bathroom.A chill went up my spine.The room was chilly...that meant that the back door was opened and as i put the bathrobe on...I just knew.I followed the trail of blood.Brad was on the grass.The knife was next to him.He has slit his wrists.There was blood all over the place.He wasnt moving.I knew.I knew that my Brad was dead.I went up to his dead body and I tried to turn him over...but couldnt...I screamed and i screamed.Then I cried.I cried for 5 minutes.Then I called the seattle police department and they were here right away.The police was here from 6.30 until 9.They took pictures..but the heart breaking was when they put his body in that bag like you see CSI.i WAS IN A STATE OF SHOCK.THE POLICE TOLD ME THAT THEY WOULD get in touch with Brads brother and sister.At 9 o clock...they were thru because the medical examiner came and pronounced Brad dead.Now a few of the homeless live behind a house where I live.It is called a camp.They dont bother anyone.They work.And when they saw the police...and when they saw the medical examiner...one of them screamed."Hes killed her..he screamed...shes dead...vader is dead."Then all of them got on the ground for these homeless people began to cry.They did not go to work that day...work spread where I live.It was on the streets with 5 minutes.I am a bell ringer for the salvation army.I have given these people clothes and phone numbers...and they were crying over me.One of them was sobbing...I couldnt go out.I had to wait until the examiner did their stuff.I was in the house from 6.30 until 1 o clock...after i cried all that time.I realized that I had to do two things..I would fall apart like my late mother did when my father did or I would use this experience to grow and try to help people who are experiencing depression and alcohol some advice and take them to harborview.I decided to grow.I decided that Brad after 14 years really didnt love me and he wanted me to lose that house.I waited un til 1 o clock.Then I started to call people.I called the seattle crisis line which is 24 hours.They wanted to know if I was alright and I asked them about my doctor.He lectures during the rest of the week and only has hours once a month so I called my doctor...left a message.Then I called my case manager and left 2 messages.I called my brother and sister-in =law.I called my best friend Sandi and I called my friend Margaret.I used the phone as reaching out and I learned that I could do it.I used my bi polar energy and then i went on the interenet to my various support groups and wrote.I told everyone.Now sophie thinks that I have overacted..but she is kidding.I have gotten 7 cards.I have had the homeless knock of my door.One homeless man told me for 20.00 that he would cut the grass but he wants to sleep in my house and i said no.I was offered 3 puppies.One homeless man told me that he had a pit bull puppy that I should have because in the summer the crazies come.Well,the crazies have come and they havent bothered me.One of them was very upset when i told him.One man gave me 2 dollars for coffee.A homeless boy whose cats had kittens has offered me one of the kittens because they are giving the cat to the shelter.I called my case mangaer and I said these words,,,"Joe...I NEED A JOB."
Brad left me a note with some funds in it.He told me to get in touch with certain people.He made me promise not to lose that house and not to give up the cats (which I wont..) I have found out the names of the humane society that helps low income...and I told Joe to see me.Joe saw me on that Wednesday and told me of this workshop.It is along process.It is mostly lectures and information of employment.Brad also put me on a budget.My funds are limited but when I have some funds left over...I do and have been treating myself.Brad wanted me to buy new clothes and I have.Value Village has got some great clothes.I got a wonderful blouse for 2.99 and another pair of sunglass for 2.49.Brad also made me promise not to tell his sister or brother certain things and I havent.Gayle has informed that she wont pay for any of his bills.I am responsilbe for the water,yard waste,gargade and gas.The gas bill was 30.00.I have to pay these bills because it is stated in the lease.I have got funds to last me until January.This is money I have saved for my vacation..but my vacation can wait.I have got a home and i have got 2 cats and i cant go trotting around the world as of now.mY reunion is in two years and things wont be chatoic then.But remember bi polar people have to come to terms with their illness like i did on that day and i am using it to my advantage..and tomorrow..I am giving most of Brads clothes away like he stated..and no man will ever come here to live at all.Noone.I am alone and i am proud.Brad made me realize so much about myself but Brad was sick.I owe this to him and my cats and myself to become a better person and more informed about depression,bi polar and alcohol and I will and I will learn to laugh again.Am going to go karaoke again tomorrow.This has been my reaction..It could have worse.I could have been in the hosppital under doctors supervision with more meds and such.I choose not to.I have choosen to live.