I hope you sleep well! Ok, this is going to be blunt - but I have lots of experience, with addictions and bipolar. I have strong views, with compassion and understanding, tainted with frustration : )

Its a dual diagnoses - the problem is addictions and addictive behavior, trumps bipolar. so, your setting yourself up - badly. Just the snorting is a set up,crushing it, starts the high, the continual temptation, yikes!

Also an addictive behavior prediction, your getting ready to move, life is getting GOOD - its a perfect time,to fuck up, fall apart and lose things - it SOP - You CAN STOP, you do not have to get worse!


If you take your meds wrong, your are fucking up your bipolar, your snorting things trying to self medicate. there is no gray area - you have to stop it, or you will get worse - sharing here, awesome! I shared doing the same thing! I'm WRONG to do it, and KNOW that, and I'm not an addict : )

That is it - my spanking. I want the best for you, a good home with no danger. Your meds cannot work, if you take them recreational. You can't blame bipolar if your fucking up, avoiding stability, instead of shooting for it.

You deserve a good life - you'd cleaned up before, please consider, cleaning up now ((((BIG HUG)))) Nothing stays the same, we are always either, getting worse or better.......

I remember in AA, they said - your either moving away from a drink, or towards a drink.... Step back from the ledge my friend ((((BIG HUG))) (I am super proud of you, admitting it and opening yourself up, risking bullshit - for health)

I hear what you are saying gina. My mind is still a bit mushy but I'm starting to think about talking to the doctor about it. But I can't afford having all my meds yanked at once while moving.

I know lecture lecture. I wouldn't do anything too stupid like use actual street drugs. I'm done with all that shit.

And no I"m not trying to fuck every thing up when every thing is going good. This has been going on long before I ever even decided to move.

I know I need to say hey doc I need something stronger! I've been snorting.

but the sleep pills will be addressed because they are not working.

Admitting to yourself you have a problem is the first step. The second I believe is telling another, which you have done, dk. Likely will regret it in the morning but "it" is out of the bag now...so to speak.

I ask you, what IS the next step? Spanking seems a bit too recreational for your transgressions. Risking loosing your meds...well that boat has sailed.

Nothing worth having is easily had. Keep working, you'll do fine as from your words it seems you know where you are at and have been through this before.

No spanking, no admonitions from me. Just encouragement for you to do what you know you must to get a handle on all of this. Again. (((BBH))

No spankings here either. I know how far you have come. I've watched your progress and I've seen you step by step improve your situation. You have tackled some big issues and came out on top.

You can tackle this too.

As always, I'm wishing you well. Proud of you. Love you. You have taken the first steps. Now all you have to do is figure out what the next step will be.

Hugs and love for you.

Just a big hug of comfort and support, doorknob. You've made the first step and that's what's important. It will all be ok.

you,have,taken,the,first,step,keep,on,that,path,
we,are,all,with,you,good,thoughts,to,you,to
help,carry,the,load.

DK, I agree with everyone here and I also want to be blunt. Blunt because I live with addicts and I see how difficult it can be. I have heard you say many times on this board that NA/AA is NOT for you. Maybe that is true and I respect that. But, I have watched all of my sons gain huge support and "accountability" through the NA program. You can take from it what works. Because of this program, they have people to talk to that can guide them and be bluntly honest with them.

This statement that you made stood out to me:
"SO you know some times when you have a drug addiction there certain bad habits that you pick up and then have a hard time quitting. "

Do you really believe that this is a "certain bad habit"? You are an addict and anything that is repetative and this difficult to "give up" IS an addiction. You need help for your addiction. Where do you get that?

Of course your doc will consider how you are using your drugs when you tell him about the snorting. He will be concerned for other reasons besides your misuse.........there are other complications involved in snorting. If you have been doing it as long as you say, you already know this.

It is also possible that you can't sleep and your sleep meds don't work because of the way you are using them, not that you have become immune. Many people I have talked to find that once they "get off" sleep meds and learn other ways to find good sleep, they realize they never needed the sleep meds to begin with. Maybe it would not be so bad to be taken off of them. Taking meds, some meds, can be addictive also.

What I have seen is you mention this "secret" several times on the board. This tells me that you are aware it is hurting you. Gina made a very good point..........you are just now realizing some good things in your life and you are about to fuck it up. Every time, I mean every time, one of my addicted sons (now clean and sober) began to realize good things, they fucked it up. Maybe not intentionally but with behaviors associated with their addictions.

It is not easy for an addict to "choose". It isnt just about saying "yes or no". Now, your choices come with much more difficulty, hence, why you NEED so much support. So, what is your support system for your addictions? Who do you reach out to for your addictions? What principals or skills do you have in place to use? Addiction is rarely managed ALONE.

Now that you have admitted to yourself and us, will you choose to be honest with your doc? More importantly, will you choose to be honest with yourself? Once you do that and "recover" from this aspect of your addiction, you can build more self esteem. In doing that you will be a healthier woman, mother, daughter etc. You will manage your disorder and your life better.

DK, no matter how many times you and I disagree or how we may feel about one another, one thing is for sure. I care about you and the life that you choose for yourself. This is not who you are just as your disorder is not who you are. Who you are is determined by the choices you make and how much you grow from them. Don't mess us what is being offered to you right now. More than fearing that your doc will take some of your meds away is to fear fucking up the rest of your life. This addiction will grow into another ugly monster. You cannot say with certainty that you WILL NOT EVER do street drug again. You can only live each day as it comes and do all that you can to protect yourself from the addictions in front of you.

I respect your courage to come here and admit this but you NEED additional help we cannot give you. Love yourself enough to do that and know that we all love you and care for you here. We are behind you 100% and we care about your life.

Sorry for this being so long but this is a very sensitive subject with me....................xo

weird - my step-son did the same when he was first in treatment for heroin.

I"m awake and regretting things.

At least I feel well rested for once.

Yeah I've got a lot to think about now. Like how I"m gonna tell my doctor about this one.

Any how thank you every one for your love and support.

Shelly I did read all that you had to say and it was a lot. I understand how you feel but believe me when I say I will never use street drugs again. I have too many bad memories of them and no good memories left. And I don't even get high from them any more any way because my tolerance is that high! When you use drugs and can't get high any more it puts some perspective on things. Like how your not having fun any more.

But I will tell my doctor. I should have told him a while ago.

I agree with what others have said dk.. So I'll just give you a big hug.. I'm glad you're going to talk with your doctor.. He's on your side to!!...xo

DK, it took a LOT of courage to come out with that!

You are a very strong person and telling your doctor will prove your strength and commitment to get healthy again!

Be proud of yourself!!

Sorry my experience leads me to be blunt as well.

There is no serious reason to snort meds. If your meds aren't working you go to your Pdoc and get the adjusted like a normal person, you don't crush them and snort them like a junkie, because that's what you've become a junkie, who's made her situation a million times more difficult.

So, yeah spank you in the morning or whatever. I hope you get some help, like NOW before you hurt yourself even more and anyone else who's in your life.

I know how hard it is to stop any addictive behavior. I used to snort cocaine. I quit cold turkey, but I craved it for 7 years. It's been 25 years now. When you stop one addiction, it's hard not to substitute another. No one can do it for you and when you reach a bottom, you will quit or face worse things. I wish you well, but that's all I can offer.

DK,
I also agree with the blunt advice... also, I reserve spanking for deserving individuals (insert sarcasm here).
There is a dual diagnosis board here where an individual working a 12 step program speaks of a particular step, explaining it as stated in the Big Book of AA. This has worked for me. You've stated AA/NA isn't for you. I respect that. But, has will power alone worked for you before, by yourself? Has anything worked for ALL addiction?
I feel empathy for you, as I am also a 'dual diagnosis' individual... The 12step programs have worked for me, when I work the steps Religion helped in some aspects, rather, spiritual principles did. Counseling played a part also. Bipolar, and addiction, as well as other diagnosises, required, for me, to get rigorously honest ... with myself. This took, takes a huge, sometimes painful, action.
You've already taken some HUGE steps. You've become a survivor of many things ... that's AWESOME. There are people here cheering you on, and who care... who want only the BEST for you..
Something to think about.
.

Oh wow, Dk, you sound just like me from a few months ago! I am a recovering cocaine and pill snorting addict! I was snorting my Ativan, ambien, Tylenol 3s you name it, I snorted it.
1 day, I quit cold turkey but the urge is always there and not sure it will EVER be gone but I take day by day trying to make a come up. At least your aware of it and can freely admit what it is that's goin on with you. I'm not gonna give you a hard time... I give you props for admitting this and I'm here understanding totally what your dealin with! Hang in there, chick!