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Horrible idea? Am I overreacting? Do I need to work harder to remove myself from a position of responsibility and decision making so I don't get so stressed out?
My parents divorced at the start of this year and I moved in with my mother both because she desperately needed someone to help her adjust and manage finances, etc. and because I lost my job and I'm trying to get on disability. She also has mental health issues and is about to start trying to get on disability.
My mother wants her and I to move in with her new boyfriend (she's known him for just over a month). I told her it was ridiculous (I met him for the first time last week).
She says she is completely in love with him and he is in love with her. He has even mentioned marriage. She will only move in with him if I am okay with it and willing to move there, too, which is 100% okay with her boyfriend.
Both of them are aware that I hate my current house for the sole fact that I cannot have a dog. The boyfriend, who has no dogs and is more of a cat person, has not only volunteered to change his no 'inside dogs' policy but also volunteered to get me a Great Dane to keep in the house. My mother knows that this the most effective form of bribery possible.
Part of me sees red flags being thrown everywhere but being in a bigger nicer house, in a slightly nicer area, with a dog (!), and someone else (the boyfriend) willing to continue paying all the bills while my mother's alimony checks can be saved/spent my way is pretty convincing too.
I told my mother that maybe it's not my place to decide this and she should do what she thinks is right. She says that she wants to and would even move in there today if she could because she wants to spend every day with him BUT that she will absolutely not move there unless I am on board and coming with her. As I said, I am still trying to get on disability and she knows that if I don't move with her, I will have to go live with my father and siblings while the disability situation finishes getting sorted.
In a nutshell, she wants to move in with him but wants me to move in too and be the one that makes the final decision about it. Sometimes having to be the responsible one stretches me too thin and right now I am dealing with medication withdrawal so I want to just say, "Let's just do whatever whenever!"
My parents divorced at the start of this year and I moved in with my mother both because she desperately needed someone to help her adjust and manage finances, etc. and because I lost my job and I'm trying to get on disability. She also has mental health issues and is about to start trying to get on disability.
My mother wants her and I to move in with her new boyfriend (she's known him for just over a month). I told her it was ridiculous (I met him for the first time last week).
She says she is completely in love with him and he is in love with her. He has even mentioned marriage. She will only move in with him if I am okay with it and willing to move there, too, which is 100% okay with her boyfriend.
Both of them are aware that I hate my current house for the sole fact that I cannot have a dog. The boyfriend, who has no dogs and is more of a cat person, has not only volunteered to change his no 'inside dogs' policy but also volunteered to get me a Great Dane to keep in the house. My mother knows that this the most effective form of bribery possible.
Part of me sees red flags being thrown everywhere but being in a bigger nicer house, in a slightly nicer area, with a dog (!), and someone else (the boyfriend) willing to continue paying all the bills while my mother's alimony checks can be saved/spent my way is pretty convincing too.
I told my mother that maybe it's not my place to decide this and she should do what she thinks is right. She says that she wants to and would even move in there today if she could because she wants to spend every day with him BUT that she will absolutely not move there unless I am on board and coming with her. As I said, I am still trying to get on disability and she knows that if I don't move with her, I will have to go live with my father and siblings while the disability situation finishes getting sorted.
In a nutshell, she wants to move in with him but wants me to move in too and be the one that makes the final decision about it. Sometimes having to be the responsible one stretches me too thin and right now I am dealing with medication withdrawal so I want to just say, "Let's just do whatever whenever!"
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
Big hug for you...x
Just consider the fact, that if the new love birds decide they can't stand each other....can you and your Mom afford the new house and the expenses ?
Is the new house the BF's ?
Can you have your names put on a Lease ?
LOTS of variables here.....LOTS of questions that need to be hashed out between the 3 of you
The Great Dane would be a huge temptation for me too
:)
I see lots of red flags, too, but he does seems like a decent enough fella. I feel like there would be several things to discuss but a few of them that I mentioned to my mother, she said they had already talked about and their answers were workable.
I used to be calculating and able to think things through so thoroughly that I was planning 5 steps ahead for each possible branching possibility. Nowadays, especially the past few months, I am lucky to be able to figure out what food is available to eat.
Moving in with someone and combining your life with theirs after only knowing them a month is a really big deal, add in bringing your 28 yr old son (another man) to the mix....yeah that's a little weird and I can see major red flags.
Your mom is an adult and she's going to do what she wants to do... 30 day love is really the lust of new excitement.. They don't know each other yet
He's not a dog person but he's willing to get a Great Dane to be indoors when he doesn't like dogs indoors???
I donno but I see a bad moon rising..
Sorry to be a drag but please think this through.. Once you're living there it's hard to just walk away if it isn't what you want ...You'll probably want to take responsibility for your mom or at least that's what I think I would do
This is a honeymoon stage of two people that barely know each other
I don't know a single thing about assisted living.
My parents both offered room & board and assistance with my disability process when I lost my job due to the snowballing severity of my BP and Fibromyalgia.
My parents are, admittedly, a bit clingy and would be fine with me living with either of them forever but that is not my intention. When I get a few things straightened back out (disability, etc), I will gladly go back to living on my own.
Also, I said that it would probably be very weird for everyone if I were to move to dude's house with her but they apparently aren't wierded out by it at all.
And I do agree that my mother is an adult who will do what she wants to do but one of the reasons that I went to stay here with her was that I worry about her ability to take care of herself.
As far as the 'dog person' part, I think I gave the wrong impression. He doesn't dislike dogs at all. He likes dogs. He just likes cats better and did not previously have an intention of getting an inside dog. But anyway, back to the main part.
And JD, I don't see you as being a drag at all, the whole reason I am asking is because I want honest opinions. Actually, I specifically wanted someone to say what you have been saying. That's why my first questions were, "Horrible idea? Am I overreacting?"
I said it was a ridiculous notion when it was first mentioned and I actually thought it was a joke but they have made me feel like a bit of a crazy person for not wanting to go live with them. I tried to tell my mother to do what she wanted and not worry about where I was going to be but she insisted.
What a grand mess could ensue.
I'm confused why she needs you top come with. Is it to help you with finances? Does she need your approval?
It all seems so we enmeshed. Is your mom your conservator? It would make more sense then, at least to me.
Love is a drug, isn't it? Side effects include loss of reality, impulsivity, and what beepers call hypomania.
I dunno. Can you let each other go? Can you totally not afford it, which I do understand or do all just need to sit together in the therapist's sanctuary?
Let the coolest head prevail!
She is not my conservator. She says that she completely wants to move but will not move without me. It is a mix of needing approval and, I dunno, fear of letting go? I have zero finances so that is one aspect of it for me but if she wanted to move in with dude, I could just stay with my father until disability finished processing. She doesn't see that as an option. I'd like to let go. I do however have a tugging sense of obligation to stay and help with anything I can.
It does sound like your mom is on the clingy side like you said and I think people here are concerned and picking up on that. But for now, if you don't have the money, if it were me, as long as the relationship with my mom wasn't unhealthy, I'd go live with her during financial difficulties. I know some people have mentioned assisted living programs. I don't know how many people have actually experienced living in one. I cant speak for every facility, but they can be very miserable. You won't have a choice where you go. With the fibro, I don't know what accommodations they are going to have for your pain. There will be many other patients with varying degrees of issues including drug abuse. Fights are common because of close quarters and not choosing your roomies. Your stuff gets stolen. It can be pretty miserable.
That being said, if there are services in your area it can't hurt to check them out. That's just the reality I have seen.
But I do agree with the gang here that it sounds like a precarious situation to move in with the boyfriend. It's too soon. Not that I haven't been a victim myself of fresh love, hypo mania and a let's get married now! :p. I think you need a good frank chat with mum about how you feel. Reality for you right now is hit are struggling financially. If things change in the future, then maybe you can finally get your own pad!
Hugs and write me if ya like!!!
Lollster