It's come to my attention through other support groups that many don't quite understand what a mixed state is. When I was diagnosed I didn't even know such a thing existed until I experienced it. I'm actually in one now, have been since (I had to flip through my journal to figure it out) the middle of February. And yes, I have sought out professional help.

I also have talked to a close friend about this mixed state and they were unsure of what I meant by it. I explained myself a little more clearly and they "got it". Or "got it" to the extent of "Oh shit that must suck. I see the concept now"

I often write essays of my experiences and I've always wanted to share them with others who are diagnosed or with family members of the diagnosed. They might find it helpful. If not, hope you at least had a good read.

So I'm going to share my essay on what a mixed state is. I'm no author, just a brain and fingers in front of a computer. Here goes:

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What is a "mixed state" in bipolar disorder?


This is the most common (and most recent) experience I have had while in a mixed state:

Imagine multiple conversations with multiple people in your head at the same time. Talking to Dan Aykroyd about how he's your hero but that you're disappointed even pissed off about the new Ghostbusters asking him over and over "why did you let them ruin your masterpiece?" All the while Van Gogh is sitting in the easy chair and you're explaining Dadaism and how there's no explanation for the movement. There's also your grandmother whom you're apologizing over and over for picking up her bad habits and talking about how you've replaced your addiction to cigarettes with hoarding books. There's Roger Rabbit and his dating/relationship advice and William Burroughs telling you what it's like to be a junkie and not to blame your mother for her own junk addiction over you.

Now picture some lardass sitting on the remote button, asleep, with the channels all flipping. An infomercial. A cartoon. A stand-up comedian. A movie. A corny sitcom. Another infomercial. A music video. A bunch of elephants. Porn. QVC. DIY. TLC. MSNBC. FOX. It goes on for days.

When you try to sleep multiple songs play in your head. It happens to everyone, but for you there is no volume control or "skip" option. "I asked her for water, she gave me--work work work--rain drops keep fallin--if ya think I'm sexy and ya want my--hey hey we're the--and that's the way we became the brady--california dreamin on a--that old time religion gimmie that--umbrella ella ella ey ey ey--earth people, new york and california, earth people--goodbye stranger, in the--they were all in love with dyin, they--old number seven, tennessee whiskey got--fly me to the moon, let me play--16 tons and whaddaya get another day--give me chicken give me liver meow mix meow mix please--came in like a wrecking ball, i--fuck the police commin strait from the--to go to rehab and i said no, no--must be the season of the witch..."

On and on it goes. Cant even finish a lyric. Now, take the multiple conversations with multiple people, the endless channel surfing, and the warp-speed radio and mash it all together. This has been going on for days. On this night you shut everything off. Everything. You laid down in the complete silence, in a completely dark void of a room at 11pm. An hour later (or so you think) you look at the time and it's 6am.

This is your manic mind.


Let's treat this as an equation. We will say that your manic mind is X. Now let me introduce you to Y.


You have no motivation to do anything, feel sad, cry, and all of this is for no reason. Life is fine. This happens to everyone, but for you it seems like no matter what you try, how much you try to talk yourself out of it, no matter how much you try to read (you can't concentrate), practice your hobby (you can't concentrate), go to work (you can't get anything accomplished because you can't concentrate), talk to others (you can't concentrate so you ramble on about nothing, repeat yourself, or sit in silence), or just try to sit down and have a damn drink (now you feel guilty)...nothing. Nothing makes anything better, and nothing makes any sense, so you think to yourself "why the hell am I trying and what the fuck good is it going to do anyway?"

As you think this, you find yourself exhausted from days of mind conversations, channel surfing, warp-speed radio, and just everyday life. The thought of getting out of bed makes you exhausted. Even though you know lying there won't do good because you can't sleep anyway. And your work performance is failing because you can't concentrate, and why is that? Maybe because of constant ruckus in your head keeping you awake. It's not that you can't get comfortable or that the cat is keeping you up or the neighbors keep bitching, it is literally all in your head. "How do I turn it off?" you wonder as you fall deeper into a depression. And then you grow angry because you can't turn it off. You're angry with yourself because you're depressed, because you're exhausted, because you can't do simple tasks or couldnt make the decision "cook or order-out" for dinner that night so you just didnt eat. And while you keep thinking, and even become obsessed with the question "How do I turn it off", you grow even more depressed and angry for being depressed and angry. So instead of trying, you just lie there waiting to die. And at some point, may actually hope to.

These are your depressed thoughts and actions. This is Y.



X + Y = A mixed state.


Think of this also as a reverse equation. Or, you may be able to throw another variable into the equation. Where my experience is usually the mind being manic while the body is depressed, another person may experience a depressed mind with a manic body. The idea of a mixed state does sound confusing, and is to be honest. It sucks. It's confusing, makes no sense, sucks, and is actually very dangerous.