Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
It's been weighing heavily on my mind whether or not to send an apology email to Elli apologizing for disrupting her and Zach's home life.
Since Ky was very firm with her "FUCK OFF" I'm not gonna try it with her. Although I am going to ask a mutual friend of our's if she's doing okay, if everything's normal for her now since I cut contact with her and her sort-of boyfriend, about 3 weeks ago. Because yesterday I felt suicidal over it all over again. Even though I've come so far in returning to normalcy after this. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of, "I can't go on without her."
Even though L came back into my life. Sort of. Kind of. She's anaemic and severely narcoleptic, in addition to being a workaholic, so we don't speak much. But something's better than nothing. I found out she enlisted in the Marines without telling me. I wasn't happy about that, but she was like, "You tried to commit suicide without telling me. So I guess we're square in all unfairness?"
I'm pretty much at peace with her. I'm glad she's still in love with me, because I'm still in love with her. She's decided she's never met anybody like me, and I can't say I've ever met anyone like her, so we're going to stick together, even if it's few and far-between.
So that made me feel A LOT better.
But I still don't understand how Z and E can not love me anymore and not want me in their lives, period. Ever again.
I don't understand that concept. It seems so callous. I had a child-like, unconditional love for them. I've known them for so long.
It's kind of like..... every time I unconditionally love a person, I find out that they don't unconditionally love me? Even though it was very much that way for a long time.
Like. I don't get it. I know most of this world is bullshit and ephemeral, but I'm always shocked and taken aback when this happens.
I don't think there's an algorithm for perfect, ever-lasting love. I don't believe in unconditional love anymore. Except with L maybe, but I still feel like I need to step it up and impress her by becoming more mature and responsible, before even her love fades.
And I intend to.
Right now though, I am depressed.
So I went to my pdoc and was like "The Depakote and Wellbutrin half-ass work, but there's not any real improvement." to which she said, "Okay, so we can stop those, then, and I'll just write you for the Gabapentin." and I was like "No! That'll just make me worse. Can we like up the dosages on both of those? And maybe add something else?" (I checked proper dosages, I can go up considerably on both.) and she told me that no, not until I get bloodwork done to check my Depakote levels. I told her I haven't been taking my Depakote half the time and she was like, "Oh, it doesn't matter."
So I'm trying to take my Depakote every day, responsibly, so we can up my doses and maybe add like Remeron or Geodon or something.
Also I want to talk about trying out a MAOI. I don't mind the food restrictions, if it improves my Bipolar/Borderline combo, I'll take it.
And. I'm going to have "the talk" with my regular primary care doctor about upping me on Tramadol, on my visit, which is on the sixth next month. Honestly, my odds are pretty slim and I'm basically asking for a drug test or to get cut off completely. He's suspicious of me as-is, I think.
But my tolerance is ridiculously high. And.... If I'm on the maximum dosage, I won't have to self-medicate with other medications I shouldn't be on (but I can't say that part, now can I?), so I can both pass a drug test for work, and hopefully be pain-free and depression-free enough to get a job.
I desperately want a job. I'll pretty much do anything, at this point. I'm going slowly insane doing nothing inside this house.
Oh. This is kind of irrelevant, but I was walking through the woods yesterday, barefoot, and found some used heroin needles lying on the ground. So I carefully picked up all 3 syringes and disposed of them, so they wouldn't poke an animal or another person. I wasn't wearing gloves or anything, and they looked pretty nasty. But luckily I didn't get poked by them.~
Since Ky was very firm with her "FUCK OFF" I'm not gonna try it with her. Although I am going to ask a mutual friend of our's if she's doing okay, if everything's normal for her now since I cut contact with her and her sort-of boyfriend, about 3 weeks ago. Because yesterday I felt suicidal over it all over again. Even though I've come so far in returning to normalcy after this. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of, "I can't go on without her."
Even though L came back into my life. Sort of. Kind of. She's anaemic and severely narcoleptic, in addition to being a workaholic, so we don't speak much. But something's better than nothing. I found out she enlisted in the Marines without telling me. I wasn't happy about that, but she was like, "You tried to commit suicide without telling me. So I guess we're square in all unfairness?"
I'm pretty much at peace with her. I'm glad she's still in love with me, because I'm still in love with her. She's decided she's never met anybody like me, and I can't say I've ever met anyone like her, so we're going to stick together, even if it's few and far-between.
So that made me feel A LOT better.
But I still don't understand how Z and E can not love me anymore and not want me in their lives, period. Ever again.
I don't understand that concept. It seems so callous. I had a child-like, unconditional love for them. I've known them for so long.
It's kind of like..... every time I unconditionally love a person, I find out that they don't unconditionally love me? Even though it was very much that way for a long time.
Like. I don't get it. I know most of this world is bullshit and ephemeral, but I'm always shocked and taken aback when this happens.
I don't think there's an algorithm for perfect, ever-lasting love. I don't believe in unconditional love anymore. Except with L maybe, but I still feel like I need to step it up and impress her by becoming more mature and responsible, before even her love fades.
And I intend to.
Right now though, I am depressed.
So I went to my pdoc and was like "The Depakote and Wellbutrin half-ass work, but there's not any real improvement." to which she said, "Okay, so we can stop those, then, and I'll just write you for the Gabapentin." and I was like "No! That'll just make me worse. Can we like up the dosages on both of those? And maybe add something else?" (I checked proper dosages, I can go up considerably on both.) and she told me that no, not until I get bloodwork done to check my Depakote levels. I told her I haven't been taking my Depakote half the time and she was like, "Oh, it doesn't matter."
So I'm trying to take my Depakote every day, responsibly, so we can up my doses and maybe add like Remeron or Geodon or something.
Also I want to talk about trying out a MAOI. I don't mind the food restrictions, if it improves my Bipolar/Borderline combo, I'll take it.
And. I'm going to have "the talk" with my regular primary care doctor about upping me on Tramadol, on my visit, which is on the sixth next month. Honestly, my odds are pretty slim and I'm basically asking for a drug test or to get cut off completely. He's suspicious of me as-is, I think.
But my tolerance is ridiculously high. And.... If I'm on the maximum dosage, I won't have to self-medicate with other medications I shouldn't be on (but I can't say that part, now can I?), so I can both pass a drug test for work, and hopefully be pain-free and depression-free enough to get a job.
I desperately want a job. I'll pretty much do anything, at this point. I'm going slowly insane doing nothing inside this house.
Oh. This is kind of irrelevant, but I was walking through the woods yesterday, barefoot, and found some used heroin needles lying on the ground. So I carefully picked up all 3 syringes and disposed of them, so they wouldn't poke an animal or another person. I wasn't wearing gloves or anything, and they looked pretty nasty. But luckily I didn't get poked by them.~
Also I got a nurse and my neighbor to lend me some gloves so I could go look for more. I was out there in our woods for almost an hour and found nothing but beer bottles, which I picked up and gently put in the trash.
Really, I was afraid for Larry. He's a feral cat (not even a year old) and goes into those woods all the time. I didn't want him to hurt his paw. l: Also though I didn't want anyone contracting Hepatitis or HIV or anything like that.
So I'm just going to hope I arranged it well enough to where it won't somehow poke through the plastic bags, aluminum foil AND trash bag and get the garbage man.
I guess I'll just try to catch him when he comes to pick up the trash. The chance is very very slim, but not worth it considering the blood pathogens relative to shooting up..................