BP started with me back in 1966. Here is a statement I bunged in my journal last night. It refers to my last bad high in 2011. It maybe somewhat arty farty, but hey ho. A bit long I guess, but difficult for me to keep it short and sweet.

Into my madness

A statement of my journey.

I descend from stability into a place where everything is possible. A place where you can indicate every thing you know. Celebrate every where you go. There is a can do world. I am forceful. I am rude. I'm gonna make a zillion on the stock exchange. I invest in that manic company in the sky. Then I am off to a far away land as those close to me who care, cry inside and worry and worry. And if those close to me are not there, then there will be others who will cry and care on their behalf.

And so the mania descends upon me. I am lost, confused, but not confused. I have an agenda without an agenda. Then the thieves and the vagabonds descend upon me. Then I am lost, broken, laying in a pool of their trickery.

And then I awake as a man in a white coat looks over me and smiles. A ha, I think, they have taken me away to the funny farm where life is bountiful all the time. And they feed me their love, their pills and I think I can do that. There are others there. Some like me are playing the happy game. Some are lost. Lost inside their own despair. I can not get through, but I am making my plans. My new agenda for a happy life. But I need love and can't find it. Its there, but I can't find it.

Now I am in a new place. I am home. They still hold me, but I am coming down into that place I know so well. My love ones are there too. Looking into my soul. Relieved. Take me home I cry and after the blonde bombshell talks to me about blood counts, (yes I know about blood counts) I am home.

Home alone, but home waiting for the black dog to arrive. I say hello darkness my old friend, have you come to talk to me again? And I fall deeper into that place and there is only one way out. But I know that even if there is no one there to love and hold me, someone will have to tidy up the mess I leave behind. Someone who loves me. Someone who has to go back to his loved ones and cry for me. I have hurt him. I have made Him a sadder person. I am guilty.

So I tell myself I will not let this darkness grind me down. With love, mother natures son will help me. I take 2 doses of natures son a day and one before I go to bed. I stay clean. I survive. It takes two and a half years before I swim away from the sea of healthy depression reminding me of my weakness.

Now I am well again, waiting, watching for a replay. But this time, as I approach 3 score years plus five, I am for the first time in my life aware of the changes. Vowing to manage it. Seeking their help. The world is not changing in one fair swoop. I am. Only little me. Hold me in your armchair and feel my disease, but I am not a Jo Jam football. Love me as I try to love me - to love you. I am busted.

More tea vicar? More games to play? Sorry, I do not have an answer. I am inside my own amusement outside for others to see.

downbut, ( but,not out.)