this is a subject that I been think about for awhile. I was taught to take care of myself. over the years I had learn to rely on myself because I didn't have anyone I could count on around. Of course I was also told I should help others which I do. Looking at my life now, I'm a 45 yr old, widow with a 16 year old son who I also take care of as most mothers would. I love my son dearly and would want the best for him within reason. I love my father dearly, also. He is such smart, hardworking and caring man. When someone and I are making a decision on something like what to do for the day, what to watch on tv, what's for dinner, etc. I generally go with what the other person wants because it seems like the polite thing to do. Also, for me those things usually aren't worth getting into an argument about. Yes I've been called a "push over" and "weak" by more dominant people for this. I think I'm just picking my battles.

What I'm getting to is that since I'm middle age, my health has declined a lot over the years. Recently, my doctor was very concerned with my heart rate and some lab test that came in. I will see her on monday to discuss the lab results. I'm not scared for myself because my whole life has been hard and to be honest I've looking forward to my passing. I know that sounds awful. I've had suicidal thoughts of course but I come here or call a hotline to get me past it. The part I feel guilty about is leaving my family behind and how sad that they would feel. Even if it were some sort of accident or natural causes it would be them I feel bad for.

I feel I am living for other people. I don't really know how to live for myself. As a mother, I figure living for their children is what mothers do.

All I can do now is live one day at a time loving my family and the few friends I have near and far. I only have 1 friend nearby. My other friends had moved or became far away when I moved. I keep in contact with them on FB.