Hi there,

Been there felt that, but now doing better....
I used to think this way alot, have you spoken to your mental health specialists, maybe your medications need a tweek, I hear Bipolar speaking ... it lurks at every corner.. Now is the time to get help, not to give up.
Hugs for you..... hang on.... life will and does have its ups not only its downs.....

AM613

Broken, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I have to say that I couldn't written this exact thing just a few months ago, only I was in nursing school. I was suicidally depressed for the last 2 years straight, and off and on since I was 8. I'm only telling you these things about myself to show how much we have in common. Just in the last 2 weeks I've started to feel better. It's not perfect, but so much better. And you can feel better too. It might take time, and I know exactly how much the proposition of that sucks. I've had, and often still have some of the same existential thoughts that you do, and think this world is a POS. But please don't take those pills. It's not worth it, and honestly, it's really rare to die from an overdose.

I'm happy to chat if that would help you - friend me and we can pm.

oh, that's supposed to say "could've written this"

Hi broken,
I'm not in a very strong place right now, but I just want to send over a ((((hug)))) and good thoughts to you.

Broken. I don't know you but I know the pain very well. I too had a bad spell last week that I expressed the same wishes.

Through so many ppl here,They gave me the strength through life affirmations that may sound trite, but every is word is heartfelt and meant to make you feel better and most of the time it works.

Please don't do this. Post on the Bi polar General Category panel so more ppl will see your pain and give you all the support you need

i have felt like this so many times - so many times i've tried to "fight the good fight" and failed. i too scuppered grad school and had to move in with my parents. i felt like a burden and a complete and utter failure. i had no dreams of the future to look forward to - i figured what was the point i was never going to achieve anything anyway - bipolar and depression and mania robbed me of my friends, my career aspirations, my fiancee - i felt worthless. nothing was worth anything. but i persevered - i got through the sticky black tar drawing me down and down. i did it little by little - wondering what i would dream about doing or having if i was capable (which i didn't believe i was), what could i do with my life IF it were worth living. to be honest i'm still working that last one out. but i did start to tentatively dream for myself again, started taking small steps towards the goals i made before bipolar really derailed my life. and yes, i understand you've been dealing with this hopelessness since you were young - i made my first suicide attempt when i was 12. when i was 16 i flat out told my parents unless there was some kind of intervention i'd be a suicide statistic by the next week. i know what it's like to be hopeless, feel helpless, and to look around and see only a barren landscape.


it's taken about 5 years of struggle, but i have some stability now. and it took three different universities and three tries, but i finally achieved grad school. and i'm going for my phD now. you want to work in mental health, and i think that's laudable. we NEED you. the best care i've ever rec'd was from a psych NP who was herself bipolar - she *understood* me, she helped me when i thought no one could reach me. you can be that kind of lifeline. you wonder why you should try? why it matters? because every life matters and because we have the potential to do so much, to help others, to achieve for ourselves. you're so young. and i will not sugar coat this - it's going to be hell, you have *decades* ahead of you and you will be dealing with bipolar every single day. it's exhausting, but it's worth it because you're worth it. you have inherent value and something to share with the world. you can make a difference in your own life and the lives of others. small steps, small plans, small victories - talk to a good professional and work on how you can reclaim your hope and belief in yourself. fight the weariness and the darkness of depression because you *are* a light - you have to remember how to claim that knowledge and believe it - really believe.

hang in there, there's much ahead of you and you want to be here to find out what will unfurl as your life progresses.

sending you strength, please be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. keep trying. keep reaching.

I'm sorry, I thought you were in the crisis panel. Glad your getting help from these wonderful ppl here.

Hi Broken :/ Yes, we hear you. When all we See around us, is falling apart...no one seems good or kind...no one seems to Know why they go on, day to day...no one seems 'safe'....it's easy to want to just Give Up.

These guys are right; things Do change, but I know, as they do, how hard it is to See that, when we are in that Place of complete despair.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6wVijh2n9g

I am walking in this world, knowing if I give up and end it before it is Time, somebody up there might just send me Back, to do it Over again, until I learn what I am Supposed to learn from all this.

We have an opportunity, Broken, to walk in Two worlds at once; the one we see, and the one we have Inside. Feel like a curse instead of a gift? Yeah....that's often because we have been Told, over and over again, that the Only 'correct' one is that ugly, damaged, chaotic one we see Out THere - the one you described.


There are meds that help us feel more Able to deal with life; and, there are coping skills to be learned, my friend. There are ways of Dealing with this life that you might not Ever have known existed.

There are people out there who Understand; there are people out 'here' who are Wonderful people - there is a Life, waiting to be Discovered. More amazing than Ever.

And somewhere out there, there really Are people you can help through this Very place, because you will have Done it. How will you know, unless you wait and see? :)

Mary Anne

Hey there Broken, not really sure what to say but I want you to know you are not alone. I may not feel totally like you do right now but I have in the past and to be honest I don't feel that good now. I can relate to a lot of how you feel, I've had suicidal thoughts off and on since the age of 12 also and I'm 41 now. You admit that you have had some good times so you know its possible. Try to hold on to that little bit of hope and know you are not alone. Please feel free to reach out to me for a chat, that may help you deal with your depression. I know its hard but hang in there, its worth it. I wish you well.

I'm scatterbrained today. You ARE in the Crisis Center.

Have you ever been inpatient before? Go to the ER and tell them what is going on and ask for help. You never know what the r right meds may can do for your life and you need to be someplace where people understand and can help you. Please don't. Just don't. you might think you know what tomorrow may bring but what if tomorrow is the day that changes everything for you. Please hang in there even by the skin of your teeth if that's what it takes. You have the courage to live I just know it. BIG FAT GIGANTIC HUGS!!

I have felt like you myself. I know the pain is overwhelming. Keep reaching out to us because there are many people here that want to help you. hugs.

Please go to the hospital or another safe place to weather this low. I can very much relate to much of what you write about the dismal state of the world...it weighed (weighs) on me heavily, and I know when I'm very low, it will seen intolerable again. I mean, the world is in a state, it's true...but honestly, my view and ability to enjoy this crazy world is mood dependent. You need a change of mood and maybe automatic thought...I say this kindly, please understand. Get yourself safe...give your pills to a friend to hold...and keep us updated. We've been through it and will hold your hand x

thank you everyone for such loving, kind and supportive words. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to write to me and respond with such warm words of courage and wisdom. I am trying to hold on but everything seems so bleak and meaningless right now. I admit that I haven't been in therapy recently because I am waiting for my father to mail me my insurance card, which is taking forever. If he doesn't send it soon I am straight up going to say, "if you don't mail me that insurance card, I am going to kill myself." Maybe that will shake him up. But to all of you, thank you so much for giving me some hope. It makes me remember that people aren't all bad. It reminds me that there are good people out there who truly care. :)

sending you some big fat hugs to help keep you afloat!