I happened to stumble across this YouTube video by Psych2Go. It was about bipolar disorder. I related to a lot of the symptoms of B2 listed, but I'm not sure if the "high highs", so to speak, that I experience are actually hypomania or if they're just me functioning normally. I plan to speak about this with my therapist soon, but until then I'm hoping someone can give me some insight.

If what I've been experiencing recently is indeed hypomania, then it's the worst it's ever been. I have never been more social in my life (I am usually very introverted and have a hard time socializing); I've been having urges to go on spending sprees; self-harm urges (which hasn't happened since my sophomore year in high school); I've felt invincible and appreciative of life in a way I have never been before, considering I've been pretty severely depressed for a long time; I've gone for walks alone late at night despite usually being fearful of assault or something equally horrible (or worse); I've opened up about things I wouldn't normally talk about, with people I don't know well (i.e. trauma, childhood stuff, etc.), which I end up regretting later; amongst other things that I can't think of off the top of my head. However, that feeling never lasts long.. reality hits me like a truck and I come crashing down within a few weeks. What's worse is that I can never really pinpoint a trigger for either of those feelings when they arise, which makes everything feel very erratic and exhausting.

The depressive episode that immediately follows that "elated, high on life" feeling is what I struggle with the most. When I crash, I crash pretty hard -- sometimes not even being able to process that I've crashed until it's gotten to the point where I can barely move. I've been in such a state for the past couple of days. I feel exhausted despite sleeping basically the entire day, I struggle to function, I skip class, I'm not eating regularly (if at all), I rarely leave my bed, the self-harm urges get worse, and the suicidal thoughts come. Everything feels hopeless, I feel almost ill, and all I can do is wait it out and hope that the switch will come (which it eventually does, and then everything repeats).

Throughout both episodes, no matter how amazing or terrible I'm feeling, there is a constant feeling of numbness/emptiness that has followed me for as long as I can remember. 

There are some times where I don't feel overwhelmed, or that I'm doing everything all of the time, and I'm just calm. Those are the days I enjoy the most, and I've been lucky to have some of those recently. But I've slipped pretty quickly back into the depressive episode. The good news is that that means that period of euphoria-like feelings is next. I mean, it isn't necessarily good, but it's a lot better than being dangerously suicidal lol

Does anyone know what this might be??? I mean I obviously have an idea as to what it is, but if it isn't bipolar disorder then what is it??