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intrusive suicidal thoughts

StuckAtHome
StuckAtHome
I was in a mixed episode, last night I crashed hard. I got into an argument with my boyfriend. He said some really mean things to me yesterday and I confronted him about it. I asked him if he even likes me anymore. He couldn't come up with any reasons why he likes me just went on and on about all the things he can't stand about me. Last night I kept going over different possible versions of suicide notes in my head (not good, I know) and picturing different ways to do it (really bad). I also started hearing voices again last night.

I still feel awful this morning. I don't feel like there is any good reason for me to stay alive. I feel useless and unloved. The voices have stopped but the intrusive thoughts are still there. I feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I want to cut again. I feel dead inside. I can't deal with feeling like this and I don't know how to make it stop. My coping skills all seem to have left me right now. I'm afraid to tell anyone except for you guys because you can understand how I feel. I'm terrified of being hospitalized. The hospitals here are horrible and I'm agoraphobic. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi!

I'm sorry you have to feel like this. You should really talk to your boyfriend about how this make you feel.

I can't give any advice about the voices, because I havent had them, but the others, like you think about how to die and stuff, I've had too. When I have my down periods with bipolar, its aweful. You should maybe ask a doctor about anti depressants if you're not on them already. It can makes things alot better. It did for me :)

I wish you all happy thoughts! Just message me anytime!

xo
lonely1984
lonely1984
Im prolly the last person to give advice because i jus experienced the same feelings and argument day before yesterday. Al i can say is never put the price on your life because of another YOU are important you have to feel that for yourself not because of another and if you dont than work to towards that so you dont feel so crappy when one day isnt as good as another. But for now iam telln you that you are special and you are loved and very important to all of us. By you reaching out to me when i needed someone you made a difference in my choices and my life as im sure you have an will for lots of others. Feel better soon. You can message me anytime
lonely1984
lonely1984
You are more than welcome. Thank you for all you have done for me during my brief stay on ds. I havent been on here long but you and all the others makes it easier everyday. Jus when i think no cares you all show uo an say yes we do so thank you. Also for your encouragement on smoking as well. Today an all days will get better. look up at the bright pretty blue sky you have air in your lungs an you lived another day to see another flower bloom. See your days better already. (SMILE)
deleted_user
deleted_user
What's Up with guys, StuckAtHome?? I mean, Nothing triggers me more when I am Already in a "state", than to have someone say Gee, you're pretty Sukky! I don't want you anymore!!"

Grrrrrr.

I'm Lousy to give advice about how Not to go down even further when you are triggered by the "unloveable" thing, but...

Please remember that you are in a State, and that the only part of "reality" that has changed, is that your boyfriend morphed into a JERK.

I hate when my Mind lets me live in a world where I am good, I am attractive, I am stable and going forward, etc, etc, and then somebody walks by with a MIRROR.

Knowing Full Well that I see myself as a fun-house participant, and NO mirror will show me Anything positive.

Nothing Changed, Stuck. Just the jerk. I hope you can use that as an affirmation today, to help slow the intrusive thoughts that are telling you to end things.

Hold on for the "nuther day". *hugs*
deleted_user
deleted_user
When I get to feeling really, really bad, I try hot baths-not super hot, but just hot enough to ease my joints. I tend to take a day off and I just relax with a good movie of some type, and that's how I get through rough spots.
deleted_user
deleted_user
mine just complains i'm usless i dont clean or cook and cant understand why. i used to be supermom, six kids all the cooking, washing, cleaning that went with that. but its taken its toil on me over the years and this illness keeps getting worse

he just dosnt understand and thinks that shouting at me will make me pull out of it.

dont take it to heart I just think its men
hug coming your way
Rachel
StuckAtHome
StuckAtHome
Thank you all for your supportive and kind words this morning. It means a lot to me to hear your replies when I feel this way. Big hugs to all of you.
Crystal
deleted_user
deleted_user
inot exactly sure what to say but i know about the thoughts and that why i stay a good distance from people because when they hurt it hurts me more then they imagin i have shoosen to be self dependented because if therer is no one there to heurt i cant get hurt it is lonely at times but i find it better then having things go on that a noraml person thinks works one way and i think works anther so the thing is at the time he is mad and isnt thinking of the bif picture with you but if he isnt there for you then dont think his thoughts because that what they are are more important then your life i think if you just get throught the ruff patch it will get better but know you are more impoarant then him
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know exactly how you feel! I haven't cut for a year but it's has been so hard. I have had really bad suicidal thoughts too and couldn't seem to get them out of my head no matter what I did. When I felt like cutting I would take red markers and just start scribbling on paper, even writing down my thoughts then ripping the paper up and throwing it out. Sometimes when you do that it seems like a weight lifted off your chest! Think about the things that bring joy to you in your life maybe it could be a friend, or certain hobbies. Try distracting your mind and only think about the task your doing, try to be just in the moment. I hope this helps..stay strong!
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Medical help would be the first step sweetie.. these thoughts are awful to have.. please takes the steps you need to ensure your safety.. big hug for you...x
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