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Between constant fights, anger, and my fits of rage, I have become physically violent against my boyfriend. I know that I am at fault almost every time, I know that I am the instigator, but the little monster inside of me wants to see him cry sometimes.
I put him down, I make him feel bad for things that aren't his fault, I yell at him, and there has been more than one occasion that he has tried to stand up to me and I reacted by putting my hands around his neck.
When we fight, I usually yell and throw a fit and try to leave the house. He doesn't like that, he wants to fix it right here. I'd rather leave, sweep it under the rug, and then come back and pretend it never happened. He has taken to physically restraining me and trying to make me leave, but that just makes me more angry. Most recently, I tried to leave, and he forcibly shoved me from the door and told me we were going to fix it instead of letting me leave and ignoring the problem. I punched him in the eye and left anyway.
I always come back. I am always remorseful. I am always at fault. I always say I'm going to change.
I never do.
I put him down, I make him feel bad for things that aren't his fault, I yell at him, and there has been more than one occasion that he has tried to stand up to me and I reacted by putting my hands around his neck.
When we fight, I usually yell and throw a fit and try to leave the house. He doesn't like that, he wants to fix it right here. I'd rather leave, sweep it under the rug, and then come back and pretend it never happened. He has taken to physically restraining me and trying to make me leave, but that just makes me more angry. Most recently, I tried to leave, and he forcibly shoved me from the door and told me we were going to fix it instead of letting me leave and ignoring the problem. I punched him in the eye and left anyway.
I always come back. I am always remorseful. I am always at fault. I always say I'm going to change.
I never do.
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Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day. Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day! Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know." :D
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
You're making a choice but it doesn't sound like a good choice.
I suggest that you read up on domestic violence and get some counseling.
It may be "safe" with your boyfriend but if this kind of anger gets out when you are in public it could be serious or even fatal. Please get help.
This sounds like a pattern of behaviour that is so detrimental to everyone involved... If I were you I'd work with your doctor on finding stability and a therapist to work on finding healthy outlets for your anger.. This is no good and as others have said you or someone else will end up badly hurt or you'll end up incarcerated...x
fish and Richard are probably right about the St. John's Wort and you may need to discuss this with your pdoc about adjusting your meds.
The best advise l can give is to please see your pdoc before a terrible accident happens and you permanently hurt or kill your partner, if you had hit his eye while wearing a ring you could have blinded him and if he fell badly and knocked his head he could have died. It must be hellish for both of you this emotional roller-coaster so he must love you dearly to stay so this has to stop. If you are taking St Johns Wort please stop today as others have said it is no good for us with bp even more so if you are taking meds.
Don't be ashamed to say that you are violent to a Dr be very honest it will help get you the right bp med for you and help to keep you calm plus you may need some anger management classes so if another rage episode does occur you can have ways to deal with it rather than reacting to it.
If walking away from your bf is the best way for you to calm down then he has to let you go but it may be he's worried that when you are that angry you could get into trouble so if you have a room to walk to where he has to leave you alone then talk about that when you are calm you get your space and he knows you are safe. If you are worried you will tear the room apart while in there get a pillow and beat it into the ground better that than your home or even worse him.
Good look with getting it sorted.