Bipolar Disorder Support Group
Bipolar disorder is not just a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders marked by periods of abnormally high energy and euphoria, often accompanied by bouts of clinical depression. This is the place to talk about your experience with bipolar disorder, learn from others' experiences, and find support.
I original posted this in the Parents with Children with ADHD but I don't think they have much traffic so it may be awhile before anyone would respond. I thought I should try it here as well.
My ex mother-in-law in my son and I to live with her after my husband died a year ago. My son has adhd & asperger's. His grandmother and him are very stubborn and defiant. She's his father's mother. Reluctantly, we moved in and just as I feared I have to do all the house work and get treated like shit. My son is a big computer gamer and likes to stay up late and play games with his online friends which gets very loud. We have gotten after him repeatedly for this but he quiets down for a little while and starts up again. His grandmother has gotten 2 complaints from the office about my son. She yells at me and says it's my job to get him to stop. I told her that I have been trying to get him to obey me for years but nothing works.
She says, "well find something that does." This is from a woman whose relationship with her children is rotten. My son's father disappeared year ago and I probably a homeless bum somewhere. While he was living with her a few years ago he stole from her and go out get drunk so she threw him out. Her youngest hasn't worked in 2 years. He's wife and 2 daughters live with his mother-in-law. Her middle son hasn't spoken to her in around 20 years because he hates her. Does she blame herself? No. She blames their father who she left when the boys were very young. He wasn't around when they were growing up but says they all turned out like him. Where does this horrible woman get off telling me how to raise my child when hers are epic failures!
Here's my other point. I have bipolar disorder and on disability. I can't really afford my own place and low income housing isn't taking applications because there's nothing available. Too many poor people out there. So you see I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Any ideas on what do about a mess like this?
My ex mother-in-law in my son and I to live with her after my husband died a year ago. My son has adhd & asperger's. His grandmother and him are very stubborn and defiant. She's his father's mother. Reluctantly, we moved in and just as I feared I have to do all the house work and get treated like shit. My son is a big computer gamer and likes to stay up late and play games with his online friends which gets very loud. We have gotten after him repeatedly for this but he quiets down for a little while and starts up again. His grandmother has gotten 2 complaints from the office about my son. She yells at me and says it's my job to get him to stop. I told her that I have been trying to get him to obey me for years but nothing works.
She says, "well find something that does." This is from a woman whose relationship with her children is rotten. My son's father disappeared year ago and I probably a homeless bum somewhere. While he was living with her a few years ago he stole from her and go out get drunk so she threw him out. Her youngest hasn't worked in 2 years. He's wife and 2 daughters live with his mother-in-law. Her middle son hasn't spoken to her in around 20 years because he hates her. Does she blame herself? No. She blames their father who she left when the boys were very young. He wasn't around when they were growing up but says they all turned out like him. Where does this horrible woman get off telling me how to raise my child when hers are epic failures!
Here's my other point. I have bipolar disorder and on disability. I can't really afford my own place and low income housing isn't taking applications because there's nothing available. Too many poor people out there. So you see I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Any ideas on what do about a mess like this?
This is what I would do in your situation. First of all, I would tell your son that if he cannot keep his sound level down, then the tv and computer games are turned off at 10:00.
If THAT doesn't work, you can contact the cable company, and have THEM shut your cable off every day at 10:00 pm, and it's done.....whether he likes it or not, and it's not up for discussion....or 20 more minutes, or when the game is done, or when he's up to the next level, or whateverrrrrrr.
That issue seems to be the most pressing, cuz it could get you all in trouble with the landlord. Everything else is "personal." I think this one thing could help, though.
I'm wondering, in other areas, how is it that he minds and listens to you? Like a rule he follows that isn't about gaming? I would try to determine that and see how you can best apply those techniques to this situation.
I think I missed how old he is? That would play into things, too.
One thing that really helps is positive reinforcement. The clear hard rule needs to be known and written hanging on the wall somewhere, that the games end at 11:00, for example.
It doesn't happen over night, of course, but when I started saying things like this to my son, "I appreciate you keeping the noise down after 11:00 since you know the neighbors and I are going to try to sleep," we got much further than me telling him to turn it off, him snipping back, me saying no, if you don't listen I'll take it away and so on. It's what his therapist suggested. It works. And it encourages him to seek out additional positive things he can do in order to feel like he is contributing to the family and doing more adult type things, which he should, my son's 15.
Again, I don't know your child's age. This is just an example. Now, there are still most definitely times when you just flat say NO. But it lessens the amount of times they hear the word no, which comes off as extremely adversarial to a a mind that is already struggling with boundaries and over-stimulation, and so on.
My son's therapist explained it to me as that these kids have so few opportunities to exert any sort of control in their environment, that they will "buck up" to NO sometimes.
So, it's a balancing act, and a way of directing them to the answer and choice you want them to make while making them feel good about it and themselves, without saying no. (And again, I say, of course you will still say NO sometimes.)
Anyway, it's an interesting theory. Each child, family, circumstance is different. To me, it's kinda like when they teach us to use the "I feel" statements. It's rewording.
I don't know if any of this will help, especially being around an obviously negative personality that you've described in your ex- MIL.
Maybe it'll spark a thought on your end or something.
I like this article. #s 10 & 18 are really good tips. About discipline and rewards.
My son has always responded quite well to rewards and tokens, which does not mean big money gifts or candy or money. It's often just visual encouragement. (Like when we feel better checking off something we've done on our to-do list.) And implementing relaxation stuff. My son has done so much better since he finally integrated this kind of thing earlier this year.
I hope some little something in all this helps.
Best of luck. It's all so hard.
Just by venting you make the situation improve because you give yourself some space and time to work out how to express what your feeling properly.
You are justifiably feeling unappreciated in your case because of the way you see yourself being treated as firstly a slave and only secondly valued for who you are as opposed to what you do.
Somehow you could maybe get yourself feeling more valued despite your trying circumstances. I am not sure what practical steps that might entail but a Google search is whats needed for some ideas there.
I am pretty sure reaching out for support is a reasonably good idea though. At least you will feel understood hopefully.