well Cap...
ive been there... and i see as a stage we experience...you have a nice way of describing a common problem... im not down playing how you are feeling at all ... but when you come out of it ...after having been there... you might feel grateful for the experience ... you know inside that this is not really you... and at least you have the ability to recognize it ...that tells me you are on the right path toward real change... this is all real human and ive found that it is also a process of real personal development too

There's nothing wrong with being hopeful as long as we recognize the practical side which is cynicism. I try to go by a balance of the two. We all have to live our own lives and make our own choices. You're not a failure or without worth unless you make that decision and what a terrible level of rudeness to visit on yourself! You are you, celebrate yourself!

Thanks, this isn't the first time I've struggled with it. I know that I will come out of it eventually but when I am here, it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I do honestly believe that much of my cynicism is actually practical realism but some friends and family have pointed out that I have a much harsher view of the world and life than I once did in years past and it seems much of my joy has departed. There are times in my life when I become hopeful that something good (even if only personal growth) will come from all my suffering but other times I think that life and my mentality will only worsen with time.
When I am up, I basically live for the moment and though I know it won't last, I don't really care.
But when that rollercoaster hits bottom, I'm plunged below a sea of despair and even disdain for things that I once loved and enjoyed. I feel like I'm being swept away by the currents and I can almost think of nothing else.
Sometimes writing helps. Poems, short stories, and rants allow me to release some of what I bottle up inside.

Geez, Captain. This sounds like some severe depression. Can you talk to your doc?

Hahahahahaha!!!!!! I thought I was wonderfully opimistic about life for years and years!!!!
And I WAS!!! But it turned out to be Cyclothymia!! LOLOL!!!

Yes, it's true!!!!! Others have it worse than you do and they manage to keep that 'never say die' attitude!!!! They do march where you crumble!!

And others, who have it better than you, aren't getting anywhere and are, in fact, losing ground.
Does looking at them make you feel less of a failure?

You will always find people doing better than you in some way or other.
You will always find people who are not doing as well as you, in some way or other.

I do get what you mean!!!! When I hear the 'success' stories on here, I wistfully wish that *I* were accomplishing as much!!!

But it doesn't mean that I'm more of a failure or even a failure at all.
Do you think you are a failure in a way that means it's your fault for being one and that you should be able to quit being one, but you're just not?

More accurate to say that 'you are unable to do this, that, and the other because you have illnesses that prevent you from doing so.'

Try to think of ways that allow you to feel like you are contributing something worthwhile to the world. Perhaps volunteering?
Helping others is an EXCELLENT way to let you see yourself as worthwhile!!!!!!

As I say, you'll always find someone better and you'll always find someone worse. You'll find what you look for.
It would be best if you could manage to not compare yourself to others.
You're the best 'you' there is!!!!!!!

There's always a way to help make the world a nicer place!!!!
click on 'People' or 'Members' somewhere near the top of this page and then, when it shows you the list, click on 'Members in Need'.
Send them a Hug. If you want, write a generic, all-purpose, sentiment, like 'Sorry you're feeling down', copy it, and then paste that into every Hug that you leave.

You are almost sure to brighten someone's day!!! That makes you totally worthwhile!!!!

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I have been where your are, what your describing many times...

I've had depression last for years, while my hope and activity just dried up. Very hard to be cheerful or optimistic when your brain is flooded with chemicals that keep you below sea level...

I finally, after a couple years of being "down" looking for a good working meds - hit the jackpot. I'm cheerful and building a life again - I am sure, in my life I will dip again, doom and gloom while I lose touch with friends and joy... but it can and will pass..

Glad you here! Hold on, there is a light at the end of that tunnel and I promise you, from experience - its not a train!!!!
(((BIG HUG)))

Hey CaptainFibro! It's a shame you're feeling so down on yourself because you sound like a super hero. I too have been to the murky depths of hopelessness and I can guarantee that you are playing down every achievement in your life, big and small. When you're feeling down it's easy to think that everyone around you is happier and more successful and has a much better life, and the reality is that it's simply not true. You are a beautiful person and you have a lot to give, it's just the Bipolar demons telling you otherwise.

Try something for me, write a list of all the things you can thing of that you have accomplished in your life, big stuff, small stuff and plain stupid stuff. Put it in your room and look at it every day whether you want to or not, and add to it whenever you can. It wont make you feel better over night, but over time it will help reinforce that you are a good person and worthwhile and that this world would be that much more empty, had you never been a part of it!

I hope you start to feel better soon, love and hugs!

You describe your emotional vacuum very texturally. You do need to discuss it in the same way with the doctors.If the abyss suddenly seems to drop even more then it may not provide you with the opportunity to do something about it.So please get to a doctor.
All the best and I hope that your future becomes more liveable.

i started making small changes to my lifestyle... and in doing so i removed a great deal of depression that i always thought was just me and my mind and the way i think...

i was blown away that it really is chemical... and how your body is functioning at a certain level... almost over night the depression went away...and i felt so good and even happy...

i stuck with the simple changes ... and my body is starting to amaze me at how well it actually works... no more depression , no more sleeping long hours... i feel great... better than i ever have in my whole life...

bottom line is i realized that it was all in my head as a result of my body not having in it the things that God made for it ...

as a suggestion... you can start by drinking a bottle of good water first thing when you wake up...not cold but room temp

this will be hard at first cause your not used to it ...but that is mental ..
this is something you might find the coffee industry wouldn't want you to know...lol

but it gets your body going real nice and in a few minutes you will feel the difference...
then shower and do your hygiene thing... this will build a positive response for you... because self respect and physically loving yourself is really very rewarding...

Thanks so much for your comments. I read them all several times and it did make me feel a little better.
I have an appointment to see my regular doc two weeks from tomorrow. I saw him 2 weeks ago and I'm trying some new medications but one was lamotrigine and after one week, I kinda freaked out and started doing worse so he told me to stop taking it. He said that if I don't start improving, he is going to send me to a pdoc and that I may need to go on disability before long due to a combo of BP and Fibro continuing to get worse.

I would love to volunteer now and again because helping others does make me feel better. When I lived in Atlanta about five years ago, I volunteered at an animal shelter/adoption center and being around animals brought me a lot of joy. As it is though, I can barely get to work. Last week I only went two days out of my scheduled five. We are kinda short staffed and I think that is the only think that has actually kept them from kicking me to the curb.

Carla, I do often feel like it is my fault for not being able to just be better than I am. I think that somehow I should be able to be stronger than I am. It doesn't even make sense to me but I can't help feel that way. Part of it is probably due to my father always telling people to 'just get over it' about everything. If an illness isn't visible, he doesn't think it exists and says to quit making excuses for being weak. He's a real piece of work and I lost all respect for him when this professing Christian and leader at our church revealed that he had been cheating on my mother and moved out telling my mother and siblings that I was the man of the house now and if they needed something to come to me and I would handle it. I was also forced into being the mediator for their divorce until he thought I was being to hard on him for the things he had done and he told me to go mind my own business. My mother somehow ended up taking him back though she admitted that she could no longer trust or depend on him.

I have always been good at pretending that I am stronger than I am and have been told by friends that I am one of the strongest people they know. I laugh in the face of hardship until everyone leaves because I don't want them to see me crack. I have always internalized everything. If something went wrong in my life (even my parents marriage), it was my fault for not being able to do more to fix it. I never lean on anyone for support because the only people I have are leaning on me and I don't want to let them down. Trying to make them feel better makes me feel like I still have some worth left. Lately though the cracks are showing through my facade. I have already put plans into motion to move thousands of miles away far from my large extended family here and all but one of my friends.

I think I will make a list like Khaos suggested and send some people some hugs like Carla said.

Also, like you said Caz, deep down I know that all this despair is not the real me. I want to throw it off so I can find my way back to myself again.

I am hoping when I move that the new environment and distancing myself from my old life will help me in forming new habits and outlooks.

...i'm desperately holding out for the spring of optimism.

well ... honestly by reading what you just wrote ... you are a very beautiful human being ... being critical of ourselves i think is part of who we are ... i can see that you have an inner need to be kind and caring ... therapy will be helpful for you ... sounds like your in the self help process now ... when things aren't working right (chemically) we tend to not process our info as well ... you may just need to talk about it and by doing so you will understand it all and yourself even better... i recommend researching about diet and whole foods and processed foods ... and when your ready you can start small and see that what you put in your body really is the key to unlock the door to feeling good and healthy... isnt that what life is for....

i mistakenly copied that spring concept from something someone else had up, but that is how i am feeling.


i hope i can experience a rebirth or something.

...without ripping off other people's words or art.